Time to play catch up....
February 23rd....The Girl Scout cookie truck came in with all of the cookies Lily has been selling. She sorted and packed everyone's cookies and we have been doing deliveries of said cookies literally all over town (the main reason of me not writing). Living in Norfolk and having cookie orders literally in every surrounding city and then some and not being able to drive myself made this task a challenge, but as of today I have delivered all but one person's cookies. (I'm still taking orders, but those that did order have been delivered.....whew!)
March 2nd....Me & the hubby went out to celebrate our anniversary (which will be on the 5th) Dinner & a Movie...such a wonderful relaxing night.
March 3rd...Friends came down from Richmond. Let me just stop here and say that Drea & JJ are amazing people. Drea & I were dormmates, soon to be roommates and sorority sisters (but even before the sorority we were sisters by adoption according to our parents :-D) We had our family dinner as usual and Drea & JJ joined us (poor JJ....Drea knows my family, JJ however was shoved into one of the most craziest of dinners)
March 5th came and went this year, and I was hoping that I could write this then, but I was stuck on the couch due to the major storms that came through. So I'm writing it now. March 5th, 2004 is the date that Josh & I started dating. March 5th, 2006 is the date Josh asked me to be his wife. March 5th, 2013 we celebrated 9 years of being together. People didn't believe us when we said we fell in love and knew we were for each other, but we knew. We knew we were each other's match. He and I have different personalities, but we are the same just enough to make us work. We always say that we are a Ying Yang. We knew from the beginning that no matter what came our way, we were going to be there for each other. We have loved each other more and more each day. We celebrate our wedding anniversary, sure, but we celebrate March 5th as the start of it all.
We met up at VCU, I was a student, he was a friend of a friend. We both traveled between Richmond & Portsmouth to spend time with each other. We made our time apart as best as we could. We worked hard at our relationship. Always honest, even if it upset the other person, it made us stronger. We faced multiple challenges, but we've always made it out holding each other's hands, pushing forward.
Happy Anniversary to my love :-)
March 6th came with a vengence this year. This major storm came through the east coast and knocked me on my tail. It was one of my worse symptom days, but I got through it. I have wonderful awesome neighbors who took my kid to school for me. I had my daughter and beautiful niece Kiwi all day. We made it a couch day by watching movies, having yummy snacks and playing games. My awesome mom and husband brought food for everyone since I was in no way capable of cooking dinner. After everyone went to bed, I took some meds to make me sleep. I needed sleep desperately and most of my MdDS medicine doesn't help with that so I skipped on those meds and went straight for the sleep aids.
March 7th (today) I'm feeling better. The sun is shining and the weather is nice out. The pressure system has moved out and I feel somewhat normal today. Still walking a little bit drunk like, but I'm doing good so far.
Somehow through all of these crazy weeks I've been able to read. I've been working on my reading which can be hard, especially on bad days. I used to love reading books, but I can't read normal books anymore due to everything moving. My Nook however, is awesome. I've been able to adjust the settings to help me out with being able to read for periods of time. I've had people mention to me before that maybe I should write a book, maybe one for kids? I really love to write and I'm thinking I might start thinking of different books to write. What I could write about? I think it would be fun to do.
So that's my catch up...more later.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
"Titanium"~David Guetta feat. Sia
I jumped on facebook this morning and the first post I read was by a wonderful person inside and out...her post read "Negativity-I reject you." I couldn't have said it better myself.
I've always been a positive person. I know the last few weeks I haven't been, but for most of my life I look for the light in everything. My mom taught me this, and her mother taught her. It is a quality that I am proud to have. Even at my lowest I tried to laugh, to smile, to find someway to make myself feel that I've accomplished something. In the last few weeks I forgot how to laugh, to smile, to be okay. This happens, it is allowed to happen. I'm only human. The support of my husband, family and friends helped me to get out of that funk, or at least it started the process.
I was giving advice to my sister-in-law the other day and that's when I realized I wasn't following my own advice. I needed to start feeling accomplished again. I had been stuck in bed, stressed, nothing going right. I wasn't motivated to do anything. My sis-in-law has her own medical issues that make her bedridden a lot and I could see myself in her. I felt for her because that's how I used to feel when I was first diagnosed with my MdDS, and I was starting to feel that way again. The advice I gave her was some that my husband gave me when he gave me that infamous swift kick last August. I need to get back to basics. I need to start over.
So, how does one get back on track to positivity?
I wake up each morning and get out of bed, even if I'm dizzy, nauseated, sick. Even if I'm only moving to the couch, I get out of my bed, out of my room. This makes sure that I wake up and start to move my body around, it wakes up my brain. I stretch to wake up my muscles. Focused stretching actually helps clear some of my dizzy spells and even some of my nausea. I don't go all kinds of yoga & pilates because I'm not that balanced anymore, especially on my bad days. On my good days I'll pull out some old ballet steps, but usually I do floor stretching. If I'm on the floor, then I can't fall, right?
My next step is to come up with a goal. It can be small or big, one or multiple, just depending on how I'm feeling that morning. It could be doing one load of dishes, one load of laundry, clean a bathroom. It doesn't matter the goal, as long as I make sure to do it before I go to bed that night. If you do more than your goal you set, well good for you! However don't overwhelm yourself. If you wake up and feel good then set maybe 2 or 3 goals, but don't try to fix your world in one day. You'll go to bed feeling like you failed and this defeats the purpose.
It is hard to not be a Negative Nancy when you have this disorder, or any illness or disability, but you can't let it define who you are. You are not MdDS, I'm not MdDS. I am Sara and I happen to have MdDS, but I'm also funny, energetic, lovable, caring. I am more than my illness.
If you stay in bed every day. If you don't try to become more than someone who stays in bed. You are letting your illness win. It will consume you. It will make you hate yourself. It will make the people around you not want to be there anymore. Yes, its frustrating and sometimes you may be your only support system. So be the best system you can be for yourself. Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself. Make the life you want for yourself.
I've always been a positive person. I know the last few weeks I haven't been, but for most of my life I look for the light in everything. My mom taught me this, and her mother taught her. It is a quality that I am proud to have. Even at my lowest I tried to laugh, to smile, to find someway to make myself feel that I've accomplished something. In the last few weeks I forgot how to laugh, to smile, to be okay. This happens, it is allowed to happen. I'm only human. The support of my husband, family and friends helped me to get out of that funk, or at least it started the process.
I was giving advice to my sister-in-law the other day and that's when I realized I wasn't following my own advice. I needed to start feeling accomplished again. I had been stuck in bed, stressed, nothing going right. I wasn't motivated to do anything. My sis-in-law has her own medical issues that make her bedridden a lot and I could see myself in her. I felt for her because that's how I used to feel when I was first diagnosed with my MdDS, and I was starting to feel that way again. The advice I gave her was some that my husband gave me when he gave me that infamous swift kick last August. I need to get back to basics. I need to start over.
So, how does one get back on track to positivity?
I wake up each morning and get out of bed, even if I'm dizzy, nauseated, sick. Even if I'm only moving to the couch, I get out of my bed, out of my room. This makes sure that I wake up and start to move my body around, it wakes up my brain. I stretch to wake up my muscles. Focused stretching actually helps clear some of my dizzy spells and even some of my nausea. I don't go all kinds of yoga & pilates because I'm not that balanced anymore, especially on my bad days. On my good days I'll pull out some old ballet steps, but usually I do floor stretching. If I'm on the floor, then I can't fall, right?
My next step is to come up with a goal. It can be small or big, one or multiple, just depending on how I'm feeling that morning. It could be doing one load of dishes, one load of laundry, clean a bathroom. It doesn't matter the goal, as long as I make sure to do it before I go to bed that night. If you do more than your goal you set, well good for you! However don't overwhelm yourself. If you wake up and feel good then set maybe 2 or 3 goals, but don't try to fix your world in one day. You'll go to bed feeling like you failed and this defeats the purpose.
It is hard to not be a Negative Nancy when you have this disorder, or any illness or disability, but you can't let it define who you are. You are not MdDS, I'm not MdDS. I am Sara and I happen to have MdDS, but I'm also funny, energetic, lovable, caring. I am more than my illness.
If you stay in bed every day. If you don't try to become more than someone who stays in bed. You are letting your illness win. It will consume you. It will make you hate yourself. It will make the people around you not want to be there anymore. Yes, its frustrating and sometimes you may be your only support system. So be the best system you can be for yourself. Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself. Make the life you want for yourself.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
"Stubborn Love"~The Lumineers
So much has happened in the last week. Its hard to keep track of everything that has happened. After my melt down the last few weeks, I finally started feeling better. To make me feel even better, my girl Drea decided to come down from Richmond for the night. I got to spend Valentine's Day with her shopping and hanging out. It felt awesome to just hang out with her. I miss her being around all the time. She's such a wonderful person.
I've also been proud of myself because I'm getting back into my couponing. I started this awhile ago, but started to slack a little bit. I've gotten myself back on track and I've even started teaching my sis-in-law. I reorganized my kitchen to work best for me. When you are dizzy and everything already doesn't make sense, it feels good to go into at least one room that is exactly how you want it. Everything has its own place. I make sure that every night after dinner I load the dishwasher and start it at least by the next morning. When I get tired or dizzy from standing, I sit down in a chair or on a stool.
I've posted before about my items that I use for cutting safely. You can read it here: Kitchen Tools
During my emotional two weeks, I wasn't able to do much around my house. I felt miserable, so I took action. I started researching. I was online (when I could be), and started looking at different cookbooks. Reading is still a little difficult for me. It all depends on the print and style of type, but I'm getting better at it. Cookbooks are easy to read because they are short excerpts.
I started collecting recipes that sounded easy and fast to do. For the last week I had a new recipe that my family tried each day. I only had one night that was a recipe that I've done before. but its been a long time since I've made it. I also wanted to start trying new things for my kids. My 7 year old son has decided that if its not Mac & Cheese, chicken nuggets, or something along those lines, he doesn't like it. Its been very frustrating. With the whole family trying new things, he sees that mom & dad are trying new stuff too. We sit down together, eat and then vote if the recipe is a repeat. My husband has liked every meal I've found, there was only one that I didn't like. My daughter loved most of the meals, and my son of course hated most of the week.
So, here's how I did it:
I went through and found 12 meals. (We have a huge family dinner with my mom & siblings on Sundays and we all chip in for those meals).
I made a list Monday-Saturday and listed each meal for a day, making sure that none of my meals repeated in the week (i.e. having pasta two nights in a row, or pork two nights in a row) I tried to find recipes that I already had some of the ingredients on hand. I then set up my grocery list and went out with my mom-in-law on Friday. ( I still can't drive so I have to ask for help with that). The key is staying very organized. I know this sounds like a concept so foreign to us MdDSers, but its paramount. You don't want to forget any ingredients and you don't want to have to go back out again.
Each night starting about 4:30 (unless its crock pot night, then I start at bout 9:30) I would start the process of cutting, knowing I would need to take breaks to complete it all. I do all my cutting and chopping at the same times since this takes me the longest. Like I said though, most of the recipes I found had very few ingredients and were so good!
Pinterest.com also has a lot of great recipes that are crock pot freezer meals, now I have not tried this yet, but I plan to. My idea is to get up with my mom, sister, husband, and kids and have everyone chip in and help cut up, measure and sort everything. We will then split up the meals with each other. I'm hoping to be able to do this with them in the next few weeks. Cooki9ng is my favorite activity to do. I love being in the kitchen and creating meals that are good for my family. It brings down my anxiety and calms me when I'm frustrated. Its my healing room.
All-in-all, I'm feeling better. I still have my horrible cold, but its not as bad as it once was. I'm still under a lot of stress, but in all of that, I feel like I'm aaccomplishing something, even if it is something small. At least I'm getting it done.
If you go to Pinterest.com and search for me, you can add me to your follow list. I have two boards, one is "Food" and the second is "Recipes We Love" I'm making sure to keep the ones we like and delete the ones we didn't like. I'm also going to start a board for MdDS tips that I find, but I haven't started that yet, that will be my goal by the end of the week.
I hope you enjoy!
Until next time!
I've also been proud of myself because I'm getting back into my couponing. I started this awhile ago, but started to slack a little bit. I've gotten myself back on track and I've even started teaching my sis-in-law. I reorganized my kitchen to work best for me. When you are dizzy and everything already doesn't make sense, it feels good to go into at least one room that is exactly how you want it. Everything has its own place. I make sure that every night after dinner I load the dishwasher and start it at least by the next morning. When I get tired or dizzy from standing, I sit down in a chair or on a stool.
I've posted before about my items that I use for cutting safely. You can read it here: Kitchen Tools
During my emotional two weeks, I wasn't able to do much around my house. I felt miserable, so I took action. I started researching. I was online (when I could be), and started looking at different cookbooks. Reading is still a little difficult for me. It all depends on the print and style of type, but I'm getting better at it. Cookbooks are easy to read because they are short excerpts.
I started collecting recipes that sounded easy and fast to do. For the last week I had a new recipe that my family tried each day. I only had one night that was a recipe that I've done before. but its been a long time since I've made it. I also wanted to start trying new things for my kids. My 7 year old son has decided that if its not Mac & Cheese, chicken nuggets, or something along those lines, he doesn't like it. Its been very frustrating. With the whole family trying new things, he sees that mom & dad are trying new stuff too. We sit down together, eat and then vote if the recipe is a repeat. My husband has liked every meal I've found, there was only one that I didn't like. My daughter loved most of the meals, and my son of course hated most of the week.
So, here's how I did it:
I went through and found 12 meals. (We have a huge family dinner with my mom & siblings on Sundays and we all chip in for those meals).
I made a list Monday-Saturday and listed each meal for a day, making sure that none of my meals repeated in the week (i.e. having pasta two nights in a row, or pork two nights in a row) I tried to find recipes that I already had some of the ingredients on hand. I then set up my grocery list and went out with my mom-in-law on Friday. ( I still can't drive so I have to ask for help with that). The key is staying very organized. I know this sounds like a concept so foreign to us MdDSers, but its paramount. You don't want to forget any ingredients and you don't want to have to go back out again.
Each night starting about 4:30 (unless its crock pot night, then I start at bout 9:30) I would start the process of cutting, knowing I would need to take breaks to complete it all. I do all my cutting and chopping at the same times since this takes me the longest. Like I said though, most of the recipes I found had very few ingredients and were so good!
Pinterest.com also has a lot of great recipes that are crock pot freezer meals, now I have not tried this yet, but I plan to. My idea is to get up with my mom, sister, husband, and kids and have everyone chip in and help cut up, measure and sort everything. We will then split up the meals with each other. I'm hoping to be able to do this with them in the next few weeks. Cooki9ng is my favorite activity to do. I love being in the kitchen and creating meals that are good for my family. It brings down my anxiety and calms me when I'm frustrated. Its my healing room.
All-in-all, I'm feeling better. I still have my horrible cold, but its not as bad as it once was. I'm still under a lot of stress, but in all of that, I feel like I'm aaccomplishing something, even if it is something small. At least I'm getting it done.
If you go to Pinterest.com and search for me, you can add me to your follow list. I have two boards, one is "Food" and the second is "Recipes We Love" I'm making sure to keep the ones we like and delete the ones we didn't like. I'm also going to start a board for MdDS tips that I find, but I haven't started that yet, that will be my goal by the end of the week.
I hope you enjoy!
Until next time!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
"Only A Mountain"~Jason Castro
I know that my last few blogs have been a little depressing. This is not my typical self. Obviously things have been a little strained lately. Many people have told me that this is strange for me to be this way because this is not who I am. My mom, who learned from her mom, taught my siblings and I how to always stay positive, persevere and push through, find the good in all that comes your way.
Depression runs hard in my family. Many people don't believe in depression. They believe that its all in your head and its all your perspective. Well, as a survivor of it I can tell you that it does exist. Its a difficult disease to deal with, its complicated and yes it is in your head (duh!). Depression, in layman's terms is a misfiring of signals in the brain. Sometimes good therapy can help, and in some cases you take meds to help the system to get back on track. I used to have to take the meds when I was in high school and the start of college, but I've been off of them for awhile. I contemplated going back on them last summer when things started crashing down last year, but I fought against it. I haven't felt like things were that bad since, until recently.
The night before last I had another bought of insomnia and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake staring at my ceiling in my room contemplating my choices. As I mentioned a few days ago, I still see no good in all of what has happened in the last few weeks. I don't see a reasoning behind all of this. For the first time in awhile, my husband came up to me and just wrapped his arms around me and said, "It will all be okay. We will get through this together just like with everything else. I love you." Now my husband kisses me always. He tells me he loves me everyday on multiple occasions, but for him to just see that I needed his shoulder even for a minute meant the world. Even though I still feel weak, it gave me a little of my strength back. I've decided that its okay for me to be down about all of this. If I ignore it, then I will become even more depressed. I need to be more open about how I'm truly feeling.
Then yesterday a dear friend called me. I broke down on the phone when I told him that I hate talking to people anymore because the first thing they ask is how I'm feeling and I'm tired of telling people I'm fine. I'm not fine. I feel broken and weak. I'm tired of fighting. Most of my friends know I hate crying. As I child I always cried, I was known as the cry baby of my family and over time it made me shut down the tears in front of people. I don't want to cry to people about what I'm dealing with. I also told him that I don't want to talk to my friends about it because none of them live close. Its not like they can do anything to help. No one can be here with me and even if they were its not like they can fix it. So then I feel like I'm making my friends feel bad or guilty and I don't want them to feel that way towards me.
Out of everything I have dealt with in my life, this is the thing that has broken me down. This syndrome doesn't just affect your physical abilities but your mental as well. Its difficult to put into words how it screws with your head, with your emotions, with your mental state. It felt good to cry to my friend. Last week I was brutally honest with my husband about how I'm feeling and then to tell a friend the same yesterday, its like weight has been taken off my shoulders. To be so raw and open-hearted. When I was saying everything, I felt like a horrible human being. I couldn't believe how harsh my feelings were towards this whole situation and to the people around me, but to be able to voice those feelings out loud felt amazing. My own version of standing on a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs.
Of course I was terrified at how they would react, but they surprised me. My husband said, "I'm sorry you are so miserable, but you are the strongest person I know. You are not weak." My friend said, "You are not broken. You are a great mom. Your husband loves you. You are good." So for me, no more "I'm fine" if I'm not. Its time for me to stop lying to myself. I'm suffering on multiple levels, and that's okay. I have a great support system and I will get through this. So maybe that's my good? Maybe me realizing that I am not superwoman, supermom, superwife, superfriend. I'm me. I'm human. I have my good days, I honestly do, they just aren't around right now. I'm having a bad time and that's okay by me. I'm getting myself back on track day by day. This week alone I've scrubbed my kitchen, meal planned for two weeks, couponed and then shopped for groceries. I cleaned my dining room and picked up my living room. I know this sounds like something that should be so easy, but its not. These are great accomplishments for me. I have about 2 weeks worth of laundry and I'm getting it at least cleaned. No its not folded or hung up but the clothes are getting cleaned. Baby steps.
The song that I picked today is perfect to how I feel.
Depression runs hard in my family. Many people don't believe in depression. They believe that its all in your head and its all your perspective. Well, as a survivor of it I can tell you that it does exist. Its a difficult disease to deal with, its complicated and yes it is in your head (duh!). Depression, in layman's terms is a misfiring of signals in the brain. Sometimes good therapy can help, and in some cases you take meds to help the system to get back on track. I used to have to take the meds when I was in high school and the start of college, but I've been off of them for awhile. I contemplated going back on them last summer when things started crashing down last year, but I fought against it. I haven't felt like things were that bad since, until recently.
The night before last I had another bought of insomnia and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake staring at my ceiling in my room contemplating my choices. As I mentioned a few days ago, I still see no good in all of what has happened in the last few weeks. I don't see a reasoning behind all of this. For the first time in awhile, my husband came up to me and just wrapped his arms around me and said, "It will all be okay. We will get through this together just like with everything else. I love you." Now my husband kisses me always. He tells me he loves me everyday on multiple occasions, but for him to just see that I needed his shoulder even for a minute meant the world. Even though I still feel weak, it gave me a little of my strength back. I've decided that its okay for me to be down about all of this. If I ignore it, then I will become even more depressed. I need to be more open about how I'm truly feeling.
Then yesterday a dear friend called me. I broke down on the phone when I told him that I hate talking to people anymore because the first thing they ask is how I'm feeling and I'm tired of telling people I'm fine. I'm not fine. I feel broken and weak. I'm tired of fighting. Most of my friends know I hate crying. As I child I always cried, I was known as the cry baby of my family and over time it made me shut down the tears in front of people. I don't want to cry to people about what I'm dealing with. I also told him that I don't want to talk to my friends about it because none of them live close. Its not like they can do anything to help. No one can be here with me and even if they were its not like they can fix it. So then I feel like I'm making my friends feel bad or guilty and I don't want them to feel that way towards me.
Out of everything I have dealt with in my life, this is the thing that has broken me down. This syndrome doesn't just affect your physical abilities but your mental as well. Its difficult to put into words how it screws with your head, with your emotions, with your mental state. It felt good to cry to my friend. Last week I was brutally honest with my husband about how I'm feeling and then to tell a friend the same yesterday, its like weight has been taken off my shoulders. To be so raw and open-hearted. When I was saying everything, I felt like a horrible human being. I couldn't believe how harsh my feelings were towards this whole situation and to the people around me, but to be able to voice those feelings out loud felt amazing. My own version of standing on a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs.
Of course I was terrified at how they would react, but they surprised me. My husband said, "I'm sorry you are so miserable, but you are the strongest person I know. You are not weak." My friend said, "You are not broken. You are a great mom. Your husband loves you. You are good." So for me, no more "I'm fine" if I'm not. Its time for me to stop lying to myself. I'm suffering on multiple levels, and that's okay. I have a great support system and I will get through this. So maybe that's my good? Maybe me realizing that I am not superwoman, supermom, superwife, superfriend. I'm me. I'm human. I have my good days, I honestly do, they just aren't around right now. I'm having a bad time and that's okay by me. I'm getting myself back on track day by day. This week alone I've scrubbed my kitchen, meal planned for two weeks, couponed and then shopped for groceries. I cleaned my dining room and picked up my living room. I know this sounds like something that should be so easy, but its not. These are great accomplishments for me. I have about 2 weeks worth of laundry and I'm getting it at least cleaned. No its not folded or hung up but the clothes are getting cleaned. Baby steps.
The song that I picked today is perfect to how I feel.
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