"Honey and the Moon"~Joseph Arthur

This weekend was fantastic.  Josh & I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary this weekend.  Due to financial situations, we ended up having a Stay-cation.   I really had to think hard as to what we could do that wouldn't cost too much money.  My plan?  Friday night we stayed in and had a wrestling theme night.  We made food with wrestle themes and watched a DVD that I bought my husband a while back.

Saturday was our actual wedding anniversary.  Exactly 5 years ago on Saturday, we spent an entire in Portsmouth preparing and having our wedding.  So in the morning, we went to the Portsmouth farmers market to do some shopping around.  Then walked over to the Renaissance hotel to take pictures on the balcony were we said our vows, and we were announce "Mr. & Mrs. Ensley."  We rode the ferry boat from Portsmouth to Norfolk to have lunch.  This was one of the first dates we went on, so I pushed every ounce of courage out and faced the boat.  I was thinking the river is flat, ferry moves slow, I can do this.  I didn't take into consideration the wind or the fact that the ferry moves faster now.  Josh had to hang onto me and I felt like I was still on the boat for about an hour afterward, and of course that was when we had to get back on the boat to go back to our car.  So ferry boat is out of the question until I get my symptoms more under control.  But at least I can say that I faced it.  Once we got back to Portsmouth side, we went to our baker who made our beautiful cake.  She was so sweet and took pictures with us.  Afterwards, we went to a Paint-Your-Own pottery place, and then we went to dinner.  All-in-all a good day.
Sunday we woke up late and headed to Busch Gardens with the kids, mom, sister & niece.  We basically walked around the park checking out all of the decorations and having fun with the kids.  If you are in the Williamsburg, VA area and want something fun to do, I would check out Howl-O-Scream.  Busch Gardens has outdone themselves this year with the decorations and characters.  However, BG is a very up & down hill type of park.  Add on top of that so much fog that you can't see 5 feet in front of you....well that threw me off, but I held onto my husband and again pushed through.  

It was such a wonderfully relaxing weekend.  I highly recommend stay-cations.  Experience new things.  Do research in your own hometown, you'll be surprised what you will find to go do!

"Firework"~Katy Perry

So today's post goes out to my little girl & little boy.  I dedicate today to them for all they've done these last two weeks for me. 
Seth & Lily have gotten me to realize that life keeps moving on and every day my little girl and boy are growing way too fast.  I'm taking this as God's way of giving me time with them.  Lily pushes every button she can, but then turns around and pushes me to be a good mom.  This weekend she asked me to ride the "boat ride" (Log Flume) at Busch Gardens.  Can I just tell you that even though I put on a brave face, I was completely terrified.  I watched the track over and over thinking where I needed to prepare myself.  I road with my mom which made it even better.  I survived the ride and realized that even if this is the only thing I can ride at BG, at least there is one thing I can do.  I was having a really good day that day.  The weather was good and the park wasn't crowded which helped.  
Seth is an amazing boy who takes everything in stride.  He is just as emotional as his momma is, so when I have my breakdowns, he gets it.  He's so compassionate.  He loves to hold my hand when I need it.  He never lets me go by myself, off on my own.  He's observant, and so forgiving.  He also reminds me a lot of his dad with his sense of humor and intelligent conversations. He is way too smart for a 7 year old.  He and I have been working on his Boy Scouts together which has been fun too.  I'm getting to know my son all over again on a whole new level, which has made me love him even more, if that was even possible!
Lily has encouraged me to figure out new ways to teach her, which in turn is reprogramming my brain.  For example, we worked on coloring in the lines yesterday and after I stopped for a few minutes, I realized I wasn't even coloring in the lines.  They just kept moving.  So we looked at the pictures and just laughed and she proceeded to throw my words back at me by saying, "It's okay mom.  That's art, and its okay to mess up.  We just need to keep practicing."  So we pulled out another sheet and started again.  
She & Seth have both had me start dancing over again.  I can't do it for long, but I can break it down for a few minutes before I get too dizzy.  For those who know me, this is a HUGE deal!  Dancing is my life.  I love to goof off on a dance floor...my feeling is "Who cares what people think, just go have fun!"  My kids found my old camcorder and started videotaping each other and they have asked me to star in their "show" numerous times.  So we've recorded a few times and then would watch it and start laughing together.
I've also worked at making sure my kids are eating healthier.  I'm here to feed them breakfast, pack lunches and cook dinner.  I'm able to shop for good food for them.  That makes me feel so wonderful to see them eating such good food.  
My kids are amazing, and even at 7 & 4 they are trying to understand how I'm feeling.  They get items for me so I don't have to keep getting up and down. Seth now follows me everywhere if there is tile on the floor.  
I am feeling a sense of pride when I watch my children.  I lost that pride for awhile because I felt like I wasn't doing well for them.  I see now that as I've adjusted, they have too.  Children are definitely resilient.  Yes, we have our days where they may "forget" or act a little too crazy for mommy, but we get through those moments.   


To my children:  I love you.  You have made me feel such love that I never thought was possible.  I will spend everyday on this Earth trying to make you feel proud of who you are and where you come from.  I promise to be the best mom that I can be.  I want you to know that life is way too short.  Have fun and find the humor in life.  Experience love for yourself.  Know that love is hard, its a fight, its a compromise, but its the best feeling in the world.  I am always in your heart.  I'll always be your best friend, your most trusted confidant, your support beam, but first and foremost I will be your mom.  You may not like what I have to tell you, you may not agree with my opinions as you grow, but know that I will always be honest with you.  Just like my mom has always done for me.  Tell everyone you know that you love them every day.  Just like Nonnie told Yaya and I a long time ago "People will come and go, but you will always have each other, for life.  You have a best friend that will be at your side forever."  I love you Seth & Lily. 

"Man in the Mirror (Acoustic)"~cover by James Morrison

Wow, what a fast paced couple of days.  I definitely was pushed hard this weekend.  I actually wore a patch all weekend so that I could spend time and have fun with my family.  I was able to spend some great time with my mom & mom-in-law (who also suffers from vertigo).  I had such a wonderful time with my family.  Lots of laughs and I even tried a few new things.  I still can't drive which is started to really get on my nerves, but I guess thats another obstacle I'm going to have to get over.  
As you know I've started couponing.  I've been working on getting our house situated for that has been a task in itself since I have NO storage space in my house.  I woke up early Sunday morning (5:30 am) with my friend who drove us to the store to shop.  I did my best shopping there getting $60 worth of groceries for $15 and some change.  It was so exhilarating to know that I just came out of there with so much free stuff! Also this is stuff that my family can use.  This is going to help us in the long run with financial stability and saving money.  
I made the decision that since I was going to be home, I would teach Lily.  We have been working on preschool items which is good for me since its easy topics and her mind span is as long as mine is now.  MdDS definitely takes away your brain.  You are in a constant fog and you tend to forget items.  So far each day we learn a new letter & number.  We've been working on basic shapes and colors as well as coloring in the lines.  Coloring has been the hardest to teach.  The lines on the paper move so we had very similar looking papers in the end.  
This afternoon Lily suggested that we have a picnic in our backyard since it was so pretty out.  She packed our lunch and we headed out with a blanket.  It was so much fun.  Its been a long time since we had a picnic.  I love this time with her.  I got a lot of time with Bubba when he was a baby before I started working at NSA because of my schedule with Victoria's Secret, but I've missed a lot of time with Lily.  I guess this is God's way of giving me that time with her before she's too grown to hang out with her momma.  She talks to me everyday, asking questions and constantly wanting to learn.  I love it.  
I also made the decision a few days ago to go ahead and have my surgery that my doctor suggested.  (Not connected to the MdDS...whole other problem).  It was an extremely hard decision to make but again, I'm putting my life in His hands and my heart into my faith to know that I'm making the right choice.  I can't live in pain any longer.  With the MdDS and the excruciating pain, its just become way to much.  So the last Monday of September I'm going for it.  I'll be in the hospital for a day and then recovering for about a week.  They have me already listed as a fall risk at the hospital and notated my chart that I'll need medication for nausea & vomiting before I even go under the knife.  
Life continues to rock & roll, like the continuing waves of the ocean.  Some days are flat and calm, some a good boarding days, and then some days are just to dangerous to maneuver around so you stay home.  I continue to rock when I try to stand still but its become something that I've become accustomed.  Bad nausea days=stay at home and those mornings that I'm not rocking the minute I get out of bed are the days that I push my hardest.  Its a live and learn, and that's the important part is I'm learning.  I'm pushing through, and I'm making it.  No, I can't color in the lines anymore, heck I can't even walk a straight line, but who wants to live their life on the straight & narrow?  Yes, it does take me about 3 hours to type my blogs each time because I have to take breaks every few minutes, but I type it.  I'm not going to let this take my life.  I look in the mirror each day and tell myself, "This is my new life.  Today will be a good day.  God is my leader, I shall follow Him.  My husband is at my side to be the support I need when I fall, to push me from behind when I need it, but most of all he's been my partner every step of the way through this.  My family is at my back, to catch me & Josh together.  At our wedding, our pastor said to our family and friends, "They will need your help, your love, your support.  If you accept this challenge please stand and say 'I do.'" Josh and I turned and everyone who had the ability to stand did, and everyone one said "I do."  Brought tears to my eyes then and still does when I think about it.  They have been our support, our guides, our confidants, our mentors.  And when I've felt alone in this, I turn to my MdDS family on our group sites to talk to people who feel exactly like I do.  They are a family to me too because the only people who will fully understand each of my good and bad days would be them.  They've been there too.  
With all this support 
"I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . ."**
♥ Sara




**Lyrics of "Man in the Mirror" written by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett

"Outrageous" ~ Britney Spears

So I haven't updated in awhile for a lot of reasons.  This week started school for us and a whole new routine came with that.  Also it has been an emotional roller coaster this week.  

So Seth started the 2nd grade on Tuesday.  So far he likes his teacher and his class.  He says that he doesn't do any work, but it will start on Monday.  Haha.  I love that kid.  Basically they are going over school/class rules and review of last year to see what they remember.  
 
Lily and I started her preschool work yesterday.  We are working on one letter and one number each day.  We also did artwork using shapes.  She already new what a circle, square, triangle & rectangle were so we made pictures using those items.  She had so much fun that she wanted a repeat of it today.

 As you know I live by routine now.  The more I stick to my routine the better I feel and can cope with life's adventures and curve balls.
The time now is 7:30a.m.  Every day my routine is waking up, letting the pup out, get dressed, make sure kids are dressed, make breakfast for everyone while finishing dishes from night before (hubby has been working really late so there's always leftovers), go start a load of laundry, send kids up for teeth brushing and then around the house to check all the pets food & water.  We leave the house about 9-9:10 to walk to school.  When Lily & I get home, we work on her school stuff. and then we take a break for lunch & quiet time where I work on another load of laundry.  I work on my stuff (I'm trying to see about filing for disability since I still can't work).  I have also been working on deep cleaning my house so I work on that for about an hour and then bring lily back for more school work.  at 3:20 we leave to go walk to the school to pick up Bubba.  We come home for snacks, the kids play, I clean and then start dinner about 6.  
The time now is 7:30p.m.  Kids are in the showers and then in jammies.  8:00 is bed time for them, and then I occupy my time with whatever until hubby gets home. I'm usually asleep by no later than 1:30-2:00 depending on my insomnia.
This schedule works for me.  I am comfortable with it.  I've even been able to add my little cousin coming over before & after school to walk (he goes to Larrymore too).  Wednesdays is grocery day with my friend Anna to get the hang of couponing.  
However if I'm having a normal day, apparently its not allowed to rain.  Yesterday we had thunderstorms in the area.  By the time it was time to leave we were at the back end of the storm.  Lily and I started walking with our umbrellas which was okay until the wind started to get a little strong.  The rain+umbrellas+4 year old excited about puddles+cars splashing in puddles=start of anxiety attack.  The school has decided for pick up children that they will be picked up in the auditorium on rainy days.  Large group of adults+a ton of kids+only 1 exit to get out of the room=severe panic attack.  The walk home it took everything I had to stay calm.  When I have anxiety attacks I become someone I have no clue who she is.  Various things started going bad which was making me feel worse......until I snapped.....I broke down....I screamed at my poor kids until I was blue in the face.  I've never yelled at my children like that.  Their scared faces.  It was like an out of body experience.  I just collapsed to the floor and started crying.  My son, his brave little soul, came to me and hugged me and told me it would all be okay.  He loved me.  And I needed a time out.
So mommy finished getting their dinner plates, and went to her room.  20 minutes later, I came out of my room feeling a tiny bit better.  I apologized to my kids and told them that they have been such big helps and I was grateful to have them in my life.  They forgave me and we continued on with our schedule.  My punishment for it?  I cleaned and re-organized my utility room, gutted mine & hubby's closet and reorganized that, and then I organized bins of clothes for the kids for future use and got rid of clothes that goes to the younger cousins.  
I woke this morning feeling like I was hit with a Mac Truck (similar to the feeling you have right after getting over the flu).  I've cut some of my normal routine out to accommodate the uneasy feeling.  We shall see how the rest of today goes.

"Hillbilly Deluxe"~Brooks & Dunn

So I haven't written all weekend because I decided my weekend was for my family.  It was the last weekend before my baby boy started school in the SECOND GRADE!!!  Time has flown by so fast.  I can't believe how fast it has gone!  So this weekend we spent Saturday running errands and meeting friends for dinner.  On Sunday we had a family birthday party, which was fun, but I had to explain that certain things are just not good for me.  Like the pinatas are not good things for me to be near.  When lots of kids are around, I stay as close to the ground as possible.  And if you take pictures instead of trying to watch everything go on, it actually helps with the anxiety and dizziness because you stop and focus on the pictures around you.  Also, balloons.  Balloons suck!  The movement and colors just drove me crazy and trying to be nice about my kids not getting any to take home took a little bit of determination, but I got through.
On Monday we had a PJ day until my little brother came over and helped yank bushes out of the ground with his dad's F250.  And here comes my 4 year old! haha  She is such a trip when the big trucks & Uncle Jake come around.  So she helped Uncle Jake drive the truck and pull the bushes out.  She had such a blast!  

She was so proud of herself.  She also informed me that she is going to go hunting with uncle Jake & daddy this year because she "LOOOOOVVVVVEEEESSSSSS Deer Meat!!"

Today I went to the neurologist who confirmed that I do have MdDS.  Well at least all my docs are on the page.  No change in what I'm doing...just keep doing what I'm doing.  No change in meds, and there is nothing else going on with me so that's a plus! But he made me so dizzy.  I actually felt ill for the first time in a long time.  But it was worth having that second person saying "Yes, this is what you have."  It will help me fit battles in the future and it also makes me feel really good to not hear "Its in your head."  To have doctors who know what this actually is is very nice.
Seth had his first day, which he says was great!  The walk home wasn't bad at all, and actually was pretty easy with the two kiddos.

All-in-all, its been a good couple of days.  I'm still working on the nerve to drive.  Still having a really hard time with that.  But everyday is a work in progress, and I'm determined to progress.

"The River"~Garth Brooks

So today I kicked back and relaxed.  I slept for most of the day, which makes me wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight.  It was interesting because I typically am not one to sleep during the day.  I guess that is what bouts of insomnia will do to you. 

The stranger thing that happened today?  I was messing with my Nook Tablet to fix it for my kids.  My husband bought me it for my birthday in June, but I personally haven't been able to use it to read due to MdDS.  Its made me sick to read, which I hate because I love to read, and not only that but my favorite authors all released new books this summer.  Anyway...back to fixing it...I started messing with the settings of the Nook.  Now the Nook is very bright, which is one of the reasons I wanted it so that I could read at night without disturbing my husband, however now its too bright.  I opened one of my books.  I changed the font to one that spaces words out more, changed the line spacing, made the font a little larger, changed the background color to gray, and then brought the brightness down a ton.  I sat and read 5 pages in a row without having to stop.  It was amazing!  Now granted for me reading 5 pages is nothing.  I'm one to be able to read an entire book in less than a day, however I broke up my reading in between my naps today.  I ended up getting through about 1/3 of my book.  I was so excited. 

I woke up to horrible symptoms as I was laying in bed waking up, but I got my husband pillow (the pillows with the arms on them that you lean back on...thanks honey) behind me on my couch, pulled up my snuggie (yep...hubby got me that too) and would read, then sleep.  After about my 3rd 30 minute power nap I was starting to feel so much better.  I even was able to make dinner tonight,which I thought it would be cereal & sandwich kind of night. 

But to be able to read just gives me that much more feeling of me back.  Reading was the hardest thing for me to let go, and I've been working so hard at being able to do it.  Even typing my blog tonight is easier for some reason.  Usually I have to take breaks, but not today.  I've been here typing this whole time. 

So, downside to power-napping all day?  1. I'm not tired now.  2.  Dog made a HUGE mess in the kitchen. 3. Kids loaded me with toys while I was napping so I woke up scared out of my mind from a stuffed animal 2 inches from my face!  4.  I don't like sleeping when the kids are awake.  Granted I have wonderful kids who don't get themselves into too much trouble most of the time, but its still not something I want to make a habit.

On another note, I've decided to take this all in stride.  I've finally been able to accept that this is who I am now.  Its not going to change, and if by some miracle it does I'll accept that too.  God has put me on this path to better myself.  So far I've become more vocal about my needs.  I've become stronger and more accepting of life's challenges.  I've become more inventive in finding new ways to move on with life.  I can't work, so I'll teach my daughter preschool at home.  I will be able to research healthy meals for my family and lunches for Seth to take to school.  I've become closer to my friends...mainly because they check up on me more often now (which I love guys, really, so don't stop calling me hahaha).  My husband have become closer.  We are more communicative because he's only face to face for so many hours each day.  We have had to figure out new ways to show our love, and I love that.  I've grown as a mom.  I've finally realized that I'm doing everything in my power to make my kids have a happy life, even if I am literally crawling up stairs to tuck them in, or sitting on floors to be able to reach new booboos instead of bending over and making myself dizzy.  I have panic attacks now, I cry a whole lot more than ever, but I also laugh more and I take more deep breaths.  I still hate it, I want it to go away, but I have to accept what hasn't changed for the last 3 months. 

I now need to be more understanding to those around me and remember that they have no clue with what I'm dealing with and they won't understand because they don't live it.  The biggest problem is that I don't "look" sick, so therefore I must not be sick.  But I am.  I have an idea.  My cousin said this and it gave me ideas but I'm not that mean....Let me put you on a tire swing, spin it as tight as it will go and then let it loose.  Once you become untangled get out of the swing and go cook a meal for 4 people.  You don't look sick, but I bet you are feeling it now.  The sad thing is that this isn't the only syndrome out there that is like this.  There are so many more diseases and syndromes like this that are accepting into society, but because of the rarity of it all, people just can't wrap their heads around it.  So I have to cope with them learning and understanding and maybe even arguing with me about it.  Believe me when I say that everything you are telling me to try, I've tried.  Every type of exercise, program, medicine, doctor, I've either looked into it or tried it.  I'm off to see a neurologist next week.  After that I'm giving myself a break.  No more rehab, no more meds (unless absolutely necessary), no more appointments.  There is no cure for this.  It goes away on its own.  So I'm going to let it do its thing.  Maybe if I stop doing everything I've been doing, and get all the meds out of my system, I can start fresh and go from there.  Let me rephrase that.  I'll go to the neurologist and let him try some new ideas out, but only ones that I'm 100% into trying out, other than that my new word will be "No," because frankly I'm tired of fighting and trying.  I want to give myself a break. 

"Curbside Prophet"~Jason Mraz

So I have another tip.  Its hard to do, but if you can focus enough and not get overwhelmed, it helps.  So due to me not being able to work, I decided to start couponing again.  I stopped awhile ago because I couldn't stay together with it.  Now I'm not becoming one of the extreme couponers, however I do need to save some money.  I've decided to start stocking up on items that we use on an almost daily basis.  I grabbed a friend who's been doing this for awhile for advice and help with reading ads.

So stores FREAK ME OUT.  I was never like this but since May, lets just add this to my list of things I needed to re-learn how to do.  The last few times I've gone into a store its taken me more than 4 hours to get through one grocery store.  This doesn't work when you have kids with you.  So I've come up with some ideas for shopping.

1.  I try to stick to one, maybe two stores I shop.  I have learned their layout, their store policies, and also (and I think more importantly) the staff that works the store.  The recognition and familiarity of people around me makes the outing that much easier.

2.  I stay away from stores during peak hours.  I also stay away from popular stores on weekends (i.e. Walmart, Target, etc.)  Its not that I have something against these stores, its just that the amount of product+the amount of people=panic attacks, dizziness, and eventually me just sitting in the middle of the aisle trying to refocus.

3.  I got a large binder and some baseball card sleeves.  I alphabetized my coupons by type (i.e. air fresheners, baking, cleaners, condiments, etc.  I can see every coupon I have while going through the store.  Now you may not want to alphabetize, but put them in the order the items show up in your own grocery store.  So organizing a book like this took me a few weeks to get it like I wanted it, but now its easy and I know exactly where everything is.  Its a really good feeling to know I can finally remember where I put something.

4.  I make a very neat list and compare the ads with coupons I have.  I pull the coupons I'm going to use and also put a "c" next to the items on my list so I know I have a coupon.  This has me checking the prices to make sure I read them correctly as well as remember to use the coupon at the end of the trip.  My list keeps me on track as to what I need, no so much what I want.  

5.  Don't get frustrated.  Just breathe.  If it becomes too much, don't hesitate to just stop, buy what you have and go home for awhile.  I've put stuff right back on a shelf and walked out because I became too overwhelmed.

Now, I will state that I'm not a professional, nor do I feel like I've gotten this routine down pat.  I've just begun the coupons, however the rest of the tips I've done since this has started.  If I have to go somewhere I'm not familiar, I take my earbuds and listen to music.  I take a person with me so I can hold onto someone if need be.  Today was my first big shopping with my coupon book all laid out and I finished our grocery shopping in an hour and a half.  Now I know this is a long time, but it was my first time trying out this new system.  I found things I need to work on and what I can do better next time.  I'm determined to only have to be in a grocery store for no more than an hour.  

Also surprisingly, working with coupons and my list, and checking over store prices kept me so focused that I didn't even really notice anything else going on minus a few moments with my kids.  I did go to the store at 8:30 in the evening so the store was pretty much empty, but it worked for me.  I was relaxed. 

I did two transactions (the store's policy will only double 20 coupons per transaction).  I had a total of 49% in savings.  It would have been less had I not needed to buy meat and a few other items that we just picked up because it looked yummy!  (I really need to get out of that habit! haha)  Most of the items I picked up today will be for my son & husband's lunches for next week.  I'll work on dinners this week and come up with that list for next week.  Wow, what an amazing feeling.