I started writing this a little while ago, and never published it....so I added a little to it, and here it is:
"I can do it, I can do it, I'll get through it,
But I'm only human, And I bleed when I fall down, I'm only human, And I crash and I break down"
Its been a road of ups and downs since the last I wrote. I have great weeks, then bad ones. The thing about having MdDS is that you get your hopes up on the good days and feel like someone has literally shoved you down on the bad. Its been an inner struggle for me not to get frustrated about it all.
On top of dealing with the day-to-day rocking, you have the rest of your life you have to leave. It doesn't stop when the MdDS acts up. For me, I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, daughter, co-worker, Girl Scout leader, a friend, the list goes on and on. I hate when I feel like I'm failing in any of the above mentioned areas. I do the best I can and push as hard as I can, but sometimes I still cannot do what I feel needs to be done. I've talked about my great support system before, and its true how wonderful the people around me are. I'm lucky to have the people around me to help, but sometimes you just want the old you back to be able to do it all like before.
I have remind myself all the time that I am only human, that I'm only one person and I have this impending cloud that can strike me down at any moment. I stay positive and I push forward, but sometimes you just get tired of pushing.
For me I struggle with this on a daily basis. I can ignore some of the symptoms when they aren't too bad. I can pretend that my ears and head aren't hurting, that the world is not moving so much. Then there are the days that you can't ignore it and you have to deal with that pain, the pressure, the feeling of being a failure. I breakdown on my own mostly nowadays. I try not to drag down those around me.
And the stress of day-to-day life makes the symptoms so much worse. Its like this repetitive circle that is never ending and trying to get out of that loop is sometimes the biggest battle, the highest hurdle, the steepest mountain to climb.
I'm heading into my second year anniversary (come May) with having MdDS. I've learned so much about myself that I didn't know before. Some people may have seen in me all along, but I never saw it. This disorder has given me a strength that I didn't believe existed inside of myself. But again, I'm human and I don't feel even this new found strength everyday. I want to feel proud of myself again. I need to find more faith in myself that I can conquer everything that is put in front of me.
I am proud of who I've become over the years. I am happy with what God has given me. My family is strong, my friends are supportive, my bosses are understanding. My life (minus this MdDS crap) is fulfilling. I guess, no matter how tired I am, I need to keep pushing forward and hope that I will eventually break through the tough days.
