Ok, so...wow...lots to talk about, so here goes.
There have been a lot of things going on that I haven't been able to talk about on here for a lot of reasons. But now that everything is done, and I've had a lot of prayer, I feel like it is time for me to open up about what has been going on (and also the reasoning behind a lot of my days being higher on the scale).
So first of all, I have had to let my job go. I haven't been well enough to be able to do my job efficiently. It wouldn't be fair to myself or my team had I tried to go back because I would have been useless. I have been working with my doctors, therapists and now a psychiatrist to try and get myself back to the level I need to be to be able to work, and unfortunately my time ran up at my job. I loved my new job. I just started working there in January and I loved every minute of it. It was a challenge that I needed. It pushed me to be a better person. I felt so smart and knowledgeable in my area. I was ready to face the day to day challenges with my job. Unfortunately, facing those challenges with the challenges of MdDS just wasn't possible.
Second, in June I was told that if I didn't want to suffer with pain that I was having on top of my MdDS (but not related) I would need to have a hysterectomy. You have seen me write about my two beautiful children. I love being a mom. Its all I've ever wanted to be and I always wanted a large family. These dreams were shut down when I was told that this was my only option. At 29 I never thought I would ever have to think about a hysterectomy. This news has been devastating to me and my family. My husband has been stronger than ever. I tried to put the surgery off as long as I could, however the pain had become unbearable. Walking or standing for long periods of time was excruciating. After long talks with friends who have had the surgery, talking with my mom, and other family, along with of course my husband, I decided to have the surgery.
Finally, last week I decided to start seeing a psychiatrist. I have fought with depression in the past and with all of these other issues going on along with my MdDS, I was worried of falling into that pit again. As I explained to the doc about everything going on since May all he could say was "Wow. All I keep hearing is how much loss you've gone through these last few months." Until he said that, I guess I never realized how much I have lost these last few months. I've essentially lost who I used to be. I'm having to adjust to this new person that I have had to become.
So the last few days I've prayed harder than I have in a long time. I've lifted my hands to Him, prayed for Him to keep me safe, and for guidance on this new life. I'm no longer able to have children, but I have two beautiful children that He has given to me & Josh. I am no longer a working mom, but a stay-at-home mom. I walk funny, I rock when I'm standing still, I shake in big crowds, and I close my eyes when there are patterns on wallpaper or floors that make me dizzy. I will take each day that He gives me and cherish every moment. I have my husband by my side and our Father guiding us through everyday.
This summer has definitely made my faith so much stronger than it ever has been. I have thanked Him everyday for my wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family. Because without them, that pit would have come up a lot faster than what it has. It would have swallowed me whole, but I've been able to stop it, and I will continue to stop it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
"Spark"~Tori Amos
Today was another day of being stuffy. My fall allergies have officially kicked in, but it is worse than it ever has been. So the stuffy sinuses I can handle, same with the scratchy itchy eyes & throat, but I've got the most awful pain in my ears especially the right side. The pressure is unbearable and making me walk so off balance. To top it off, sneezing sucks! My kids think it is funny when I start sneezing multiple times because by sneeze three I'm to the floor. haha. I have to say at this point I find humor in it too. Its like that commercial "How many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Pop?" Mine would be "How many sneezes does it take to take me to the floor?"
On another note, today I went and saw a psychiatrist today. He was very perceptive to what was going on with me. I finally broke down to see a psychiatrist because I've had depression before, and I really don't want to go back to that dark place. The anxiety and panic attacks get the best of me sometimes. I also have been having issues with learning to adjust to the new me. I try to look at the good in everything. I try to stay optimistic, but its very difficult some days. Those days when it seems like everything that can go wrong does. You are clumsy and tripping over stuff, dropping things, forgetting everything. I just get really down on those days and I don't want it to get any worse. I've accepted this as my new life, but the adjustments are so hard sometimes. They are overwhelming and frustrating, so my psychiatrist is going to try and help me out with adjusting and controlling my emotions which can be all over the place.
I want to finish off today by talking straight to other MdDSers and say that this syndrome stinks. No one truly understands what you are going through except for other MdDSers. But I must say, everyday you need to look and find at least one positive thing that happened that day. Keep your head up (even if it is bobbing & weaving all over the place). I'm excited to read others trying to continuing living their life. That's all we can do. Continue to travel, go to theme parks, go camping, go to our son's or daughter's wedding, trying to work, or get back to doing our favorite hobbies such as reading or writing...even if this scares the mess out of us, we at least TRY. All we can do is TRY, and for some we succeed, and for others we learn not to do it again. The one thing we have in common besides the MdDS, is the enormous support for one another. So thank you for all the support for my blog and I send my support for your future endeavors as well.
On another note, today I went and saw a psychiatrist today. He was very perceptive to what was going on with me. I finally broke down to see a psychiatrist because I've had depression before, and I really don't want to go back to that dark place. The anxiety and panic attacks get the best of me sometimes. I also have been having issues with learning to adjust to the new me. I try to look at the good in everything. I try to stay optimistic, but its very difficult some days. Those days when it seems like everything that can go wrong does. You are clumsy and tripping over stuff, dropping things, forgetting everything. I just get really down on those days and I don't want it to get any worse. I've accepted this as my new life, but the adjustments are so hard sometimes. They are overwhelming and frustrating, so my psychiatrist is going to try and help me out with adjusting and controlling my emotions which can be all over the place.
I want to finish off today by talking straight to other MdDSers and say that this syndrome stinks. No one truly understands what you are going through except for other MdDSers. But I must say, everyday you need to look and find at least one positive thing that happened that day. Keep your head up (even if it is bobbing & weaving all over the place). I'm excited to read others trying to continuing living their life. That's all we can do. Continue to travel, go to theme parks, go camping, go to our son's or daughter's wedding, trying to work, or get back to doing our favorite hobbies such as reading or writing...even if this scares the mess out of us, we at least TRY. All we can do is TRY, and for some we succeed, and for others we learn not to do it again. The one thing we have in common besides the MdDS, is the enormous support for one another. So thank you for all the support for my blog and I send my support for your future endeavors as well.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
"Boots Are Made For Walking"~Nancy Sinatra
Here is the second blog for today...and this one is about shoes. I've never been a shoe person...that would be my sister, the fashionista of the family, but because of my MdDS I'm looking at all kinds of shoes that I would typically not wear.
I'm a flip-flop person in the spring & summer and tennis shoes in the fall & winter. Since I was diagnosed, I've worn nothing but flip-flops. I've actually worn through 2 pairs of flips flops this summer. I like the flips because the soles are thin and I can feel the ground much better. It helps me adjust to the floors, grounds, & sidewalks. Now wearing flips everyday has made my ankles & heels hurt so much because of the lack of support.
Now its fall and I need warmer shoes. I've tried wearing my tennis shoes through the summer and can't walk in them. I feel like I'm walking on a moon bounce. Needless to say I immediately start to fall over or walk like a drunk in sneakers.
So I started reading our support groups and many people had ideas for shoes. Some said to try the "Shape-Ups®" and others said to try a type of Moccasin®. So I tried on a few different shoes and I'm still looking. The toner shoes did not help me at all. They made me feel so much worse...but more power to those who can manage it! The Moccasins were really comfortable and I'm definitely going to invest in some of those. I also found a great pair of Champion® shoes that have a very thin sole. They aren't the greatest for ankle support, but they definitely helped with my heels and arches. The soles were as thin as a flip flop but they were still really comfortable. They were also very lightweight so I didn't feel like I was wearing weights on my feet.
I already owned a pair of Nike® shoes and also Reebok®. I loved these shoes, but unfortunately the types I have are either too heavy or the soles are too thick. So they go to the bottom of the closet and if my symptoms go away, the shoes will come back out.
I'm going to continue shopping for them and as I try them out I will let you know if I find anymore.
If you know of a type of shoe to try let me know! I'll be glad to go check them out and let you know how it goes :-)
I'm a flip-flop person in the spring & summer and tennis shoes in the fall & winter. Since I was diagnosed, I've worn nothing but flip-flops. I've actually worn through 2 pairs of flips flops this summer. I like the flips because the soles are thin and I can feel the ground much better. It helps me adjust to the floors, grounds, & sidewalks. Now wearing flips everyday has made my ankles & heels hurt so much because of the lack of support.
Now its fall and I need warmer shoes. I've tried wearing my tennis shoes through the summer and can't walk in them. I feel like I'm walking on a moon bounce. Needless to say I immediately start to fall over or walk like a drunk in sneakers.
So I started reading our support groups and many people had ideas for shoes. Some said to try the "Shape-Ups®" and others said to try a type of Moccasin®. So I tried on a few different shoes and I'm still looking. The toner shoes did not help me at all. They made me feel so much worse...but more power to those who can manage it! The Moccasins were really comfortable and I'm definitely going to invest in some of those. I also found a great pair of Champion® shoes that have a very thin sole. They aren't the greatest for ankle support, but they definitely helped with my heels and arches. The soles were as thin as a flip flop but they were still really comfortable. They were also very lightweight so I didn't feel like I was wearing weights on my feet.
I already owned a pair of Nike® shoes and also Reebok®. I loved these shoes, but unfortunately the types I have are either too heavy or the soles are too thick. So they go to the bottom of the closet and if my symptoms go away, the shoes will come back out.
I'm going to continue shopping for them and as I try them out I will let you know if I find anymore.
If you know of a type of shoe to try let me know! I'll be glad to go check them out and let you know how it goes :-)
"Be Our Guest"~Beauty & The Beast
Today I'm writing two blogs, at the same time. Talk about multi-tasking...woo hoo! hahah
The first one is about cooking...again. Cooking is one of the most dangerous tasks someone with MdDS can do because of the fact that cooking is dangerous for even a normal person. Cutting, chopping, hot stoves, pots and boiling liquids. The reason I'm writing about this again is because I've received questions on the types of things I use in the kitchen to help me on days when I don't trust my knife skills. Here are the items that I will use:
Second is The Onion Chop. I saw this on TV one day years ago, and picked on up at an "As Seen On TV" store, but I've seen them at Target®, Walmart®, and most drug stores. There are two types of blades that can be used. One is a minced size and the other is a chopped size. You can use this not only for onions, but for most veggies. Again, so easy my kids can use it. The downside to this is that is not very easy to clean. It does take some patience, so soak it right after you are done with it.
So another tip I have for you is to get a stool. I have one that I have cut down the legs so that I don't have to "hop" up onto. I can just sit right down, but its high enough that I can still reach my counter tops. Also pizza cutters are great to use. Its a way to cut with your hand away from the blades.
Hope these tips help you out!
The first one is about cooking...again. Cooking is one of the most dangerous tasks someone with MdDS can do because of the fact that cooking is dangerous for even a normal person. Cutting, chopping, hot stoves, pots and boiling liquids. The reason I'm writing about this again is because I've received questions on the types of things I use in the kitchen to help me on days when I don't trust my knife skills. Here are the items that I will use:
Pampered Chef® Mandolin, The Onion Chop®, Pampered Chef® Food Chopper,
Pampered Chef® Cutting Board, and an egg slicer
Ok, so first off let me say, yes, I know its a lot of Pampered Chef. Years ago I sold it, so I still have my items, but I've also used other brands and they work just fine, except the mandolin. The mandolin is specially made through Pampered Chef for a chef's protection. There is no where for you to cut yourself! The blades stay locked away unless you take the slide down to the end and it only pops out for that second. Your fingers are completely protected. Even my kids were able to use it at ages 3 &4. So I really do suggest their mandolin.
Second is The Onion Chop. I saw this on TV one day years ago, and picked on up at an "As Seen On TV" store, but I've seen them at Target®, Walmart®, and most drug stores. There are two types of blades that can be used. One is a minced size and the other is a chopped size. You can use this not only for onions, but for most veggies. Again, so easy my kids can use it. The downside to this is that is not very easy to clean. It does take some patience, so soak it right after you are done with it. 
Next we have the food chopper and the egg slicer. These items are awesome! You can use them for anything! The food chopper can chop pieces of cooked beef, pork or chicken up for BBQ sandwiches or soups. You can also use the chopper for chopping up chocolates, candies and nuts. So the slicer is one of my favorites! I use this for not only eggs, but strawberries, tomatoes and cucumbers. The trick with slicer is to get one with wired clutters. If you look at the top of my slicer its metal, and the rest is plastic. Now you can't get one of the cheaper products where the plastic is not a strong plastic. If you get a cheaper version, it will break or will cause more problems than be helpful.
Last we have the cutting board. I bought this one again through Pampered Chef®. The reason why I love this cutting board is because the edges are made of a rubber material. This material helps with sliding issues. The rubber helps it stay in place, but it also has a measure ruler on it that helps with cutting perfect slices. Now if you can't find a cutting board like this, then you can use a rubber shelf liner under your cutting boards. They grip the board to your counter so it won't move on you.
So another tip I have for you is to get a stool. I have one that I have cut down the legs so that I don't have to "hop" up onto. I can just sit right down, but its high enough that I can still reach my counter tops. Also pizza cutters are great to use. Its a way to cut with your hand away from the blades.
Hope these tips help you out!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
"Sailing"~*NSYNC
Appropriate song for the last two days. I've been at a 8-9 yesterday and today, and having a migraine on top of it isn't helping.
I know that I've mentioned numbers before and here's why. So with MdDS there is a symptom severity scale. Most MdDS patients rate their days to show improvement or unfortunately worsening of symptoms. Here is a link so you can read: MdDS Scale. The scale is provided by the MdDS Foundation. So today is a day that my symptoms are at their worst. Every patient prays for a 0 day or even a 1-2 day, but I've been praying for a 6 kinda day.
So how to cope with a 8-9 day. First of all, any day with this syndrome is a fight, its a struggle, and its a learning process. So here's how I've coped. I stuck to my every day routine. I woke up, got ready for the day and made breakfast. However breakfast today was Pop-Tarts & fruit that I cut up earlier in the week. Seth wanted to take his lunch, so we made ham & cheese roll ups. I didn't trust myself with any knife work this morning. We also went easy route of fruit cup, juice box & cookie. No cutting, no pouring. After I took him to school, I rested all day. I even took some of my meds, which I have steered away from. I'm not a pill taker. I hate meds with a passion, but today was a pill kind of day. After picking up kids from school, I came home a rested more. By dinner time I was able to use some of my more sturdy knives to cut sweet potato fries but I left it at that. Those fries went along side some chicken nuggets and again more fruit. I didn't want to mess with the stove so everything was in the oven. I stay away from the stove on bad days for fear of getting too dizzy and something burning or catching fire and me not being able to fix the problem. Oven foods work great because you can put it in and go sit at a table for at least 20 minutes before its time to take food out. If I'm not using the oven, it would be the microwave or the crock-pot. I have go-to meals for the crock pot that are easy for bad days. And for those days that I really am not up for anything, we call that Cereal Night!!!! Yay!! haha.
I've gone back to my tricks of crawling up the stairs and sliding down them today as well. I have only gotten up when necessary.
So tonight I go to bed, again taking a Valium to help with my anxiety and the motion of the ocean. Hopefully tomorrow will go down to 6...fingers crossed !X!X!X
I know that I've mentioned numbers before and here's why. So with MdDS there is a symptom severity scale. Most MdDS patients rate their days to show improvement or unfortunately worsening of symptoms. Here is a link so you can read: MdDS Scale. The scale is provided by the MdDS Foundation. So today is a day that my symptoms are at their worst. Every patient prays for a 0 day or even a 1-2 day, but I've been praying for a 6 kinda day.
So how to cope with a 8-9 day. First of all, any day with this syndrome is a fight, its a struggle, and its a learning process. So here's how I've coped. I stuck to my every day routine. I woke up, got ready for the day and made breakfast. However breakfast today was Pop-Tarts & fruit that I cut up earlier in the week. Seth wanted to take his lunch, so we made ham & cheese roll ups. I didn't trust myself with any knife work this morning. We also went easy route of fruit cup, juice box & cookie. No cutting, no pouring. After I took him to school, I rested all day. I even took some of my meds, which I have steered away from. I'm not a pill taker. I hate meds with a passion, but today was a pill kind of day. After picking up kids from school, I came home a rested more. By dinner time I was able to use some of my more sturdy knives to cut sweet potato fries but I left it at that. Those fries went along side some chicken nuggets and again more fruit. I didn't want to mess with the stove so everything was in the oven. I stay away from the stove on bad days for fear of getting too dizzy and something burning or catching fire and me not being able to fix the problem. Oven foods work great because you can put it in and go sit at a table for at least 20 minutes before its time to take food out. If I'm not using the oven, it would be the microwave or the crock-pot. I have go-to meals for the crock pot that are easy for bad days. And for those days that I really am not up for anything, we call that Cereal Night!!!! Yay!! haha.
I've gone back to my tricks of crawling up the stairs and sliding down them today as well. I have only gotten up when necessary.
So tonight I go to bed, again taking a Valium to help with my anxiety and the motion of the ocean. Hopefully tomorrow will go down to 6...fingers crossed !X!X!X
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
"The Catalyst"~Linkin Park
So like I've explained before, MdDS has made me have to re-learn how to do normal everyday activities. This includes housework. Housework has been one of the toughest to overcome. Josh has been working very long hours so I try to do as much as I can during the day and week so he doesn't have to worry about that as well as everything else. So I have finally mastered laundry. It sounds so simple, but believe me, the bending over and standing up is a pain and makes symptoms worse. Not to mention standing on your feet for a long time. I've included pictures so you can see exactly what my system is.
So first of all, here is my laundry room. I have a top loader washer and front load dryer. In between the two machines is a two draw bin. The top drawer has hangers for the kids clothes and the bottom is for adult clothes. On top of this bin is our laundry detergent (I get the big buckets from Sam's or Costco, unless I find cheaper in another store). All of my other detergents, bleach, stain removers and dryer sheets are on top of the dryer. There is an old detergent bin behind my soap for trash (lint, etc.) I have different baskets for different items. This basket shown is for towels. I have 3 other baskets for whites, lights, and darks. I try to sort clothes as people take them off. This takes away from work later. Most of my baskets are tall, but my towel basket is shorter (and has wheels so I can push it around since its the heaviest of baskets). This system works for me because everything is at my height level so it makes for less bending over. Also, as I've suggested for other MdDSers, using a long reach grabber will help get the clothes out of the bottom of the washer as well. If you have a front loader washer & dryer then use a stool so you can sit and just grab and toss from one to the other. It can help too.
Secondly, I love to reuse these detergent buckets for all kinds of stuff. My favorite use it to lift up baskets that are short to bring them up higher. Its not too much to lift it up on top of the bucket and then toss from basket to machine. Also if Lily wants to help, she'll use it as a stool to stand on so she can reach inside the washer.
Now, if you look at the picture above, you'll see a pile of laundry on the door to the dryer. I will do all reaching into the washer and put everything on the door until the washer is empty, and then push everything into the dryer. This makes its so I'm not bending to grab clothes, standing up and then bending to throw them in the dryer.
Now as far as hanging up goes. I'll take and sort the clothes, mine & Josh's and then Seth & Lily's. I'll fold all the clothes as I go through and then I'll hang later. I do this all either on the couch or on my bed so I'm not standing too much. I'll grab a bin of hangers and hang the clothes up together. The kids are responsible to put their folded clothes away and I hang the clothes in their closets or Josh will help me with it if I'm too worn out.
My laundry gets done throughout the week so I'm not loaded down with it, however there goes periods where it may not get hung up or folded right after because of symptoms being bad, so I do have to do some ironing, which I don't mind either.
I hope this helps. Anyone else have any good tips?
So first of all, here is my laundry room. I have a top loader washer and front load dryer. In between the two machines is a two draw bin. The top drawer has hangers for the kids clothes and the bottom is for adult clothes. On top of this bin is our laundry detergent (I get the big buckets from Sam's or Costco, unless I find cheaper in another store). All of my other detergents, bleach, stain removers and dryer sheets are on top of the dryer. There is an old detergent bin behind my soap for trash (lint, etc.) I have different baskets for different items. This basket shown is for towels. I have 3 other baskets for whites, lights, and darks. I try to sort clothes as people take them off. This takes away from work later. Most of my baskets are tall, but my towel basket is shorter (and has wheels so I can push it around since its the heaviest of baskets). This system works for me because everything is at my height level so it makes for less bending over. Also, as I've suggested for other MdDSers, using a long reach grabber will help get the clothes out of the bottom of the washer as well. If you have a front loader washer & dryer then use a stool so you can sit and just grab and toss from one to the other. It can help too.
Secondly, I love to reuse these detergent buckets for all kinds of stuff. My favorite use it to lift up baskets that are short to bring them up higher. Its not too much to lift it up on top of the bucket and then toss from basket to machine. Also if Lily wants to help, she'll use it as a stool to stand on so she can reach inside the washer.
Now, if you look at the picture above, you'll see a pile of laundry on the door to the dryer. I will do all reaching into the washer and put everything on the door until the washer is empty, and then push everything into the dryer. This makes its so I'm not bending to grab clothes, standing up and then bending to throw them in the dryer.
Now as far as hanging up goes. I'll take and sort the clothes, mine & Josh's and then Seth & Lily's. I'll fold all the clothes as I go through and then I'll hang later. I do this all either on the couch or on my bed so I'm not standing too much. I'll grab a bin of hangers and hang the clothes up together. The kids are responsible to put their folded clothes away and I hang the clothes in their closets or Josh will help me with it if I'm too worn out.
My laundry gets done throughout the week so I'm not loaded down with it, however there goes periods where it may not get hung up or folded right after because of symptoms being bad, so I do have to do some ironing, which I don't mind either.
I hope this helps. Anyone else have any good tips?
Monday, September 17, 2012
"Honey and the Moon"~Joseph Arthur
Sunday we woke up late and headed to Busch Gardens with the kids, mom, sister & niece. We basically walked around the park checking out all of the decorations and having fun with the kids. If you are in the Williamsburg, VA area and want something fun to do, I would check out Howl-O-Scream. Busch Gardens has outdone themselves this year with the decorations and characters. However, BG is a very up & down hill type of park. Add on top of that so much fog that you can't see 5 feet in front of you....well that threw me off, but I held onto my husband and again pushed through.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
"Firework"~Katy Perry
So today's post goes out to my little girl & little boy. I dedicate today to them for all they've done these last two weeks for me.
Seth & Lily have gotten me to realize that life keeps moving on and every day my little girl and boy are growing way too fast. I'm taking this as God's way of giving me time with them. Lily pushes every button she can, but then turns around and pushes me to be a good mom. This weekend she asked me to ride the "boat ride" (Log Flume) at Busch Gardens. Can I just tell you that even though I put on a brave face, I was completely terrified. I watched the track over and over thinking where I needed to prepare myself. I road with my mom which made it even better. I survived the ride and realized that even if this is the only thing I can ride at BG, at least there is one thing I can do. I was having a really good day that day. The weather was good and the park wasn't crowded which helped.
Seth is an amazing boy who takes everything in stride. He is just as emotional as his momma is, so when I have my breakdowns, he gets it. He's so compassionate. He loves to hold my hand when I need it. He never lets me go by myself, off on my own. He's observant, and so forgiving. He also reminds me a lot of his dad with his sense of humor and intelligent conversations. He is way too smart for a 7 year old. He and I have been working on his Boy Scouts together which has been fun too. I'm getting to know my son all over again on a whole new level, which has made me love him even more, if that was even possible!
Lily has encouraged me to figure out new ways to teach her, which in turn is reprogramming my brain. For example, we worked on coloring in the lines yesterday and after I stopped for a few minutes, I realized I wasn't even coloring in the lines. They just kept moving. So we looked at the pictures and just laughed and she proceeded to throw my words back at me by saying, "It's okay mom. That's art, and its okay to mess up. We just need to keep practicing." So we pulled out another sheet and started again.
She & Seth have both had me start dancing over again. I can't do it for long, but I can break it down for a few minutes before I get too dizzy. For those who know me, this is a HUGE deal! Dancing is my life. I love to goof off on a dance floor...my feeling is "Who cares what people think, just go have fun!" My kids found my old camcorder and started videotaping each other and they have asked me to star in their "show" numerous times. So we've recorded a few times and then would watch it and start laughing together.
I've also worked at making sure my kids are eating healthier. I'm here to feed them breakfast, pack lunches and cook dinner. I'm able to shop for good food for them. That makes me feel so wonderful to see them eating such good food.
My kids are amazing, and even at 7 & 4 they are trying to understand how I'm feeling. They get items for me so I don't have to keep getting up and down. Seth now follows me everywhere if there is tile on the floor.
I am feeling a sense of pride when I watch my children. I lost that pride for awhile because I felt like I wasn't doing well for them. I see now that as I've adjusted, they have too. Children are definitely resilient. Yes, we have our days where they may "forget" or act a little too crazy for mommy, but we get through those moments.
To my children: I love you. You have made me feel such love that I never thought was possible. I will spend everyday on this Earth trying to make you feel proud of who you are and where you come from. I promise to be the best mom that I can be. I want you to know that life is way too short. Have fun and find the humor in life. Experience love for yourself. Know that love is hard, its a fight, its a compromise, but its the best feeling in the world. I am always in your heart. I'll always be your best friend, your most trusted confidant, your support beam, but first and foremost I will be your mom. You may not like what I have to tell you, you may not agree with my opinions as you grow, but know that I will always be honest with you. Just like my mom has always done for me. Tell everyone you know that you love them every day. Just like Nonnie told Yaya and I a long time ago "People will come and go, but you will always have each other, for life. You have a best friend that will be at your side forever." I love you Seth & Lily.
Seth & Lily have gotten me to realize that life keeps moving on and every day my little girl and boy are growing way too fast. I'm taking this as God's way of giving me time with them. Lily pushes every button she can, but then turns around and pushes me to be a good mom. This weekend she asked me to ride the "boat ride" (Log Flume) at Busch Gardens. Can I just tell you that even though I put on a brave face, I was completely terrified. I watched the track over and over thinking where I needed to prepare myself. I road with my mom which made it even better. I survived the ride and realized that even if this is the only thing I can ride at BG, at least there is one thing I can do. I was having a really good day that day. The weather was good and the park wasn't crowded which helped.
Seth is an amazing boy who takes everything in stride. He is just as emotional as his momma is, so when I have my breakdowns, he gets it. He's so compassionate. He loves to hold my hand when I need it. He never lets me go by myself, off on my own. He's observant, and so forgiving. He also reminds me a lot of his dad with his sense of humor and intelligent conversations. He is way too smart for a 7 year old. He and I have been working on his Boy Scouts together which has been fun too. I'm getting to know my son all over again on a whole new level, which has made me love him even more, if that was even possible!
Lily has encouraged me to figure out new ways to teach her, which in turn is reprogramming my brain. For example, we worked on coloring in the lines yesterday and after I stopped for a few minutes, I realized I wasn't even coloring in the lines. They just kept moving. So we looked at the pictures and just laughed and she proceeded to throw my words back at me by saying, "It's okay mom. That's art, and its okay to mess up. We just need to keep practicing." So we pulled out another sheet and started again.
She & Seth have both had me start dancing over again. I can't do it for long, but I can break it down for a few minutes before I get too dizzy. For those who know me, this is a HUGE deal! Dancing is my life. I love to goof off on a dance floor...my feeling is "Who cares what people think, just go have fun!" My kids found my old camcorder and started videotaping each other and they have asked me to star in their "show" numerous times. So we've recorded a few times and then would watch it and start laughing together.
I've also worked at making sure my kids are eating healthier. I'm here to feed them breakfast, pack lunches and cook dinner. I'm able to shop for good food for them. That makes me feel so wonderful to see them eating such good food.
My kids are amazing, and even at 7 & 4 they are trying to understand how I'm feeling. They get items for me so I don't have to keep getting up and down. Seth now follows me everywhere if there is tile on the floor.
I am feeling a sense of pride when I watch my children. I lost that pride for awhile because I felt like I wasn't doing well for them. I see now that as I've adjusted, they have too. Children are definitely resilient. Yes, we have our days where they may "forget" or act a little too crazy for mommy, but we get through those moments.
To my children: I love you. You have made me feel such love that I never thought was possible. I will spend everyday on this Earth trying to make you feel proud of who you are and where you come from. I promise to be the best mom that I can be. I want you to know that life is way too short. Have fun and find the humor in life. Experience love for yourself. Know that love is hard, its a fight, its a compromise, but its the best feeling in the world. I am always in your heart. I'll always be your best friend, your most trusted confidant, your support beam, but first and foremost I will be your mom. You may not like what I have to tell you, you may not agree with my opinions as you grow, but know that I will always be honest with you. Just like my mom has always done for me. Tell everyone you know that you love them every day. Just like Nonnie told Yaya and I a long time ago "People will come and go, but you will always have each other, for life. You have a best friend that will be at your side forever." I love you Seth & Lily.
Monday, September 10, 2012
"Man in the Mirror (Acoustic)"~cover by James Morrison
Wow, what a fast paced couple of days. I definitely was pushed hard this weekend. I actually wore a patch all weekend so that I could spend time and have fun with my family. I was able to spend some great time with my mom & mom-in-law (who also suffers from vertigo). I had such a wonderful time with my family. Lots of laughs and I even tried a few new things. I still can't drive which is started to really get on my nerves, but I guess thats another obstacle I'm going to have to get over.
As you know I've started couponing. I've been working on getting our house situated for that has been a task in itself since I have NO storage space in my house. I woke up early Sunday morning (5:30 am) with my friend who drove us to the store to shop. I did my best shopping there getting $60 worth of groceries for $15 and some change. It was so exhilarating to know that I just came out of there with so much free stuff! Also this is stuff that my family can use. This is going to help us in the long run with financial stability and saving money.
I made the decision that since I was going to be home, I would teach Lily. We have been working on preschool items which is good for me since its easy topics and her mind span is as long as mine is now. MdDS definitely takes away your brain. You are in a constant fog and you tend to forget items. So far each day we learn a new letter & number. We've been working on basic shapes and colors as well as coloring in the lines. Coloring has been the hardest to teach. The lines on the paper move so we had very similar looking papers in the end.
This afternoon Lily suggested that we have a picnic in our backyard since it was so pretty out. She packed our lunch and we headed out with a blanket. It was so much fun. Its been a long time since we had a picnic. I love this time with her. I got a lot of time with Bubba when he was a baby before I started working at NSA because of my schedule with Victoria's Secret, but I've missed a lot of time with Lily. I guess this is God's way of giving me that time with her before she's too grown to hang out with her momma. She talks to me everyday, asking questions and constantly wanting to learn. I love it.
I also made the decision a few days ago to go ahead and have my surgery that my doctor suggested. (Not connected to the MdDS...whole other problem). It was an extremely hard decision to make but again, I'm putting my life in His hands and my heart into my faith to know that I'm making the right choice. I can't live in pain any longer. With the MdDS and the excruciating pain, its just become way to much. So the last Monday of September I'm going for it. I'll be in the hospital for a day and then recovering for about a week. They have me already listed as a fall risk at the hospital and notated my chart that I'll need medication for nausea & vomiting before I even go under the knife.
Life continues to rock & roll, like the continuing waves of the ocean. Some days are flat and calm, some a good boarding days, and then some days are just to dangerous to maneuver around so you stay home. I continue to rock when I try to stand still but its become something that I've become accustomed. Bad nausea days=stay at home and those mornings that I'm not rocking the minute I get out of bed are the days that I push my hardest. Its a live and learn, and that's the important part is I'm learning. I'm pushing through, and I'm making it. No, I can't color in the lines anymore, heck I can't even walk a straight line, but who wants to live their life on the straight & narrow? Yes, it does take me about 3 hours to type my blogs each time because I have to take breaks every few minutes, but I type it. I'm not going to let this take my life. I look in the mirror each day and tell myself, "This is my new life. Today will be a good day. God is my leader, I shall follow Him. My husband is at my side to be the support I need when I fall, to push me from behind when I need it, but most of all he's been my partner every step of the way through this. My family is at my back, to catch me & Josh together. At our wedding, our pastor said to our family and friends, "They will need your help, your love, your support. If you accept this challenge please stand and say 'I do.'" Josh and I turned and everyone who had the ability to stand did, and everyone one said "I do." Brought tears to my eyes then and still does when I think about it. They have been our support, our guides, our confidants, our mentors. And when I've felt alone in this, I turn to my MdDS family on our group sites to talk to people who feel exactly like I do. They are a family to me too because the only people who will fully understand each of my good and bad days would be them. They've been there too.
With all this support
"I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . ."**
♥ Sara
**Lyrics of "Man in the Mirror" written by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett
As you know I've started couponing. I've been working on getting our house situated for that has been a task in itself since I have NO storage space in my house. I woke up early Sunday morning (5:30 am) with my friend who drove us to the store to shop. I did my best shopping there getting $60 worth of groceries for $15 and some change. It was so exhilarating to know that I just came out of there with so much free stuff! Also this is stuff that my family can use. This is going to help us in the long run with financial stability and saving money.
I made the decision that since I was going to be home, I would teach Lily. We have been working on preschool items which is good for me since its easy topics and her mind span is as long as mine is now. MdDS definitely takes away your brain. You are in a constant fog and you tend to forget items. So far each day we learn a new letter & number. We've been working on basic shapes and colors as well as coloring in the lines. Coloring has been the hardest to teach. The lines on the paper move so we had very similar looking papers in the end.
This afternoon Lily suggested that we have a picnic in our backyard since it was so pretty out. She packed our lunch and we headed out with a blanket. It was so much fun. Its been a long time since we had a picnic. I love this time with her. I got a lot of time with Bubba when he was a baby before I started working at NSA because of my schedule with Victoria's Secret, but I've missed a lot of time with Lily. I guess this is God's way of giving me that time with her before she's too grown to hang out with her momma. She talks to me everyday, asking questions and constantly wanting to learn. I love it.
I also made the decision a few days ago to go ahead and have my surgery that my doctor suggested. (Not connected to the MdDS...whole other problem). It was an extremely hard decision to make but again, I'm putting my life in His hands and my heart into my faith to know that I'm making the right choice. I can't live in pain any longer. With the MdDS and the excruciating pain, its just become way to much. So the last Monday of September I'm going for it. I'll be in the hospital for a day and then recovering for about a week. They have me already listed as a fall risk at the hospital and notated my chart that I'll need medication for nausea & vomiting before I even go under the knife.
Life continues to rock & roll, like the continuing waves of the ocean. Some days are flat and calm, some a good boarding days, and then some days are just to dangerous to maneuver around so you stay home. I continue to rock when I try to stand still but its become something that I've become accustomed. Bad nausea days=stay at home and those mornings that I'm not rocking the minute I get out of bed are the days that I push my hardest. Its a live and learn, and that's the important part is I'm learning. I'm pushing through, and I'm making it. No, I can't color in the lines anymore, heck I can't even walk a straight line, but who wants to live their life on the straight & narrow? Yes, it does take me about 3 hours to type my blogs each time because I have to take breaks every few minutes, but I type it. I'm not going to let this take my life. I look in the mirror each day and tell myself, "This is my new life. Today will be a good day. God is my leader, I shall follow Him. My husband is at my side to be the support I need when I fall, to push me from behind when I need it, but most of all he's been my partner every step of the way through this. My family is at my back, to catch me & Josh together. At our wedding, our pastor said to our family and friends, "They will need your help, your love, your support. If you accept this challenge please stand and say 'I do.'" Josh and I turned and everyone who had the ability to stand did, and everyone one said "I do." Brought tears to my eyes then and still does when I think about it. They have been our support, our guides, our confidants, our mentors. And when I've felt alone in this, I turn to my MdDS family on our group sites to talk to people who feel exactly like I do. They are a family to me too because the only people who will fully understand each of my good and bad days would be them. They've been there too.
With all this support
"I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . ."**
♥ Sara
**Lyrics of "Man in the Mirror" written by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett
Friday, September 7, 2012
"Outrageous" ~ Britney Spears
So I haven't updated in awhile for a lot of reasons. This week started school for us and a whole new routine came with that. Also it has been an emotional roller coaster this week.
So Seth started the 2nd grade on Tuesday. So far he likes his teacher and his class. He says that he doesn't do any work, but it will start on Monday. Haha. I love that kid. Basically they are going over school/class rules and review of last year to see what they remember.
Lily and I started her preschool work yesterday. We are working on one letter and one number each day. We also did artwork using shapes. She already new what a circle, square, triangle & rectangle were so we made pictures using those items. She had so much fun that she wanted a repeat of it today.
As you know I live by routine now. The more I stick to my routine the better I feel and can cope with life's adventures and curve balls.
The time now is 7:30a.m. Every day my routine is waking up, letting the pup out, get dressed, make sure kids are dressed, make breakfast for everyone while finishing dishes from night before (hubby has been working really late so there's always leftovers), go start a load of laundry, send kids up for teeth brushing and then around the house to check all the pets food & water. We leave the house about 9-9:10 to walk to school. When Lily & I get home, we work on her school stuff. and then we take a break for lunch & quiet time where I work on another load of laundry. I work on my stuff (I'm trying to see about filing for disability since I still can't work). I have also been working on deep cleaning my house so I work on that for about an hour and then bring lily back for more school work. at 3:20 we leave to go walk to the school to pick up Bubba. We come home for snacks, the kids play, I clean and then start dinner about 6.
The time now is 7:30p.m. Kids are in the showers and then in jammies. 8:00 is bed time for them, and then I occupy my time with whatever until hubby gets home. I'm usually asleep by no later than 1:30-2:00 depending on my insomnia.
This schedule works for me. I am comfortable with it. I've even been able to add my little cousin coming over before & after school to walk (he goes to Larrymore too). Wednesdays is grocery day with my friend Anna to get the hang of couponing.
However if I'm having a normal day, apparently its not allowed to rain. Yesterday we had thunderstorms in the area. By the time it was time to leave we were at the back end of the storm. Lily and I started walking with our umbrellas which was okay until the wind started to get a little strong. The rain+umbrellas+4 year old excited about puddles+cars splashing in puddles=start of anxiety attack. The school has decided for pick up children that they will be picked up in the auditorium on rainy days. Large group of adults+a ton of kids+only 1 exit to get out of the room=severe panic attack. The walk home it took everything I had to stay calm. When I have anxiety attacks I become someone I have no clue who she is. Various things started going bad which was making me feel worse......until I snapped.....I broke down....I screamed at my poor kids until I was blue in the face. I've never yelled at my children like that. Their scared faces. It was like an out of body experience. I just collapsed to the floor and started crying. My son, his brave little soul, came to me and hugged me and told me it would all be okay. He loved me. And I needed a time out.
So mommy finished getting their dinner plates, and went to her room. 20 minutes later, I came out of my room feeling a tiny bit better. I apologized to my kids and told them that they have been such big helps and I was grateful to have them in my life. They forgave me and we continued on with our schedule. My punishment for it? I cleaned and re-organized my utility room, gutted mine & hubby's closet and reorganized that, and then I organized bins of clothes for the kids for future use and got rid of clothes that goes to the younger cousins.
I woke this morning feeling like I was hit with a Mac Truck (similar to the feeling you have right after getting over the flu). I've cut some of my normal routine out to accommodate the uneasy feeling. We shall see how the rest of today goes.
So Seth started the 2nd grade on Tuesday. So far he likes his teacher and his class. He says that he doesn't do any work, but it will start on Monday. Haha. I love that kid. Basically they are going over school/class rules and review of last year to see what they remember.
Lily and I started her preschool work yesterday. We are working on one letter and one number each day. We also did artwork using shapes. She already new what a circle, square, triangle & rectangle were so we made pictures using those items. She had so much fun that she wanted a repeat of it today.
As you know I live by routine now. The more I stick to my routine the better I feel and can cope with life's adventures and curve balls.
The time now is 7:30a.m. Every day my routine is waking up, letting the pup out, get dressed, make sure kids are dressed, make breakfast for everyone while finishing dishes from night before (hubby has been working really late so there's always leftovers), go start a load of laundry, send kids up for teeth brushing and then around the house to check all the pets food & water. We leave the house about 9-9:10 to walk to school. When Lily & I get home, we work on her school stuff. and then we take a break for lunch & quiet time where I work on another load of laundry. I work on my stuff (I'm trying to see about filing for disability since I still can't work). I have also been working on deep cleaning my house so I work on that for about an hour and then bring lily back for more school work. at 3:20 we leave to go walk to the school to pick up Bubba. We come home for snacks, the kids play, I clean and then start dinner about 6.
The time now is 7:30p.m. Kids are in the showers and then in jammies. 8:00 is bed time for them, and then I occupy my time with whatever until hubby gets home. I'm usually asleep by no later than 1:30-2:00 depending on my insomnia.
This schedule works for me. I am comfortable with it. I've even been able to add my little cousin coming over before & after school to walk (he goes to Larrymore too). Wednesdays is grocery day with my friend Anna to get the hang of couponing.
However if I'm having a normal day, apparently its not allowed to rain. Yesterday we had thunderstorms in the area. By the time it was time to leave we were at the back end of the storm. Lily and I started walking with our umbrellas which was okay until the wind started to get a little strong. The rain+umbrellas+4 year old excited about puddles+cars splashing in puddles=start of anxiety attack. The school has decided for pick up children that they will be picked up in the auditorium on rainy days. Large group of adults+a ton of kids+only 1 exit to get out of the room=severe panic attack. The walk home it took everything I had to stay calm. When I have anxiety attacks I become someone I have no clue who she is. Various things started going bad which was making me feel worse......until I snapped.....I broke down....I screamed at my poor kids until I was blue in the face. I've never yelled at my children like that. Their scared faces. It was like an out of body experience. I just collapsed to the floor and started crying. My son, his brave little soul, came to me and hugged me and told me it would all be okay. He loved me. And I needed a time out.
So mommy finished getting their dinner plates, and went to her room. 20 minutes later, I came out of my room feeling a tiny bit better. I apologized to my kids and told them that they have been such big helps and I was grateful to have them in my life. They forgave me and we continued on with our schedule. My punishment for it? I cleaned and re-organized my utility room, gutted mine & hubby's closet and reorganized that, and then I organized bins of clothes for the kids for future use and got rid of clothes that goes to the younger cousins.
I woke this morning feeling like I was hit with a Mac Truck (similar to the feeling you have right after getting over the flu). I've cut some of my normal routine out to accommodate the uneasy feeling. We shall see how the rest of today goes.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
"Hillbilly Deluxe"~Brooks & Dunn
So I haven't written all weekend because I decided my weekend was for my family. It was the last weekend before my baby boy started school in the SECOND GRADE!!! Time has flown by so fast. I can't believe how fast it has gone! So this weekend we spent Saturday running errands and meeting friends for dinner. On Sunday we had a family birthday party, which was fun, but I had to explain that certain things are just not good for me. Like the pinatas are not good things for me to be near. When lots of kids are around, I stay as close to the ground as possible. And if you take pictures instead of trying to watch everything go on, it actually helps with the anxiety and dizziness because you stop and focus on the pictures around you. Also, balloons. Balloons suck! The movement and colors just drove me crazy and trying to be nice about my kids not getting any to take home took a little bit of determination, but I got through.
On Monday we had a PJ day until my little brother came over and helped yank bushes out of the ground with his dad's F250. And here comes my 4 year old! haha She is such a trip when the big trucks & Uncle Jake come around. So she helped Uncle Jake drive the truck and pull the bushes out. She had such a blast!
She was so proud of herself. She also informed me that she is going to go hunting with uncle Jake & daddy this year because she "LOOOOOVVVVVEEEESSSSSS Deer Meat!!"
Today I went to the neurologist who confirmed that I do have MdDS. Well at least all my docs are on the page. No change in what I'm doing...just keep doing what I'm doing. No change in meds, and there is nothing else going on with me so that's a plus! But he made me so dizzy. I actually felt ill for the first time in a long time. But it was worth having that second person saying "Yes, this is what you have." It will help me fit battles in the future and it also makes me feel really good to not hear "Its in your head." To have doctors who know what this actually is is very nice.
Seth had his first day, which he says was great! The walk home wasn't bad at all, and actually was pretty easy with the two kiddos.
All-in-all, its been a good couple of days. I'm still working on the nerve to drive. Still having a really hard time with that. But everyday is a work in progress, and I'm determined to progress.
On Monday we had a PJ day until my little brother came over and helped yank bushes out of the ground with his dad's F250. And here comes my 4 year old! haha She is such a trip when the big trucks & Uncle Jake come around. So she helped Uncle Jake drive the truck and pull the bushes out. She had such a blast!
Today I went to the neurologist who confirmed that I do have MdDS. Well at least all my docs are on the page. No change in what I'm doing...just keep doing what I'm doing. No change in meds, and there is nothing else going on with me so that's a plus! But he made me so dizzy. I actually felt ill for the first time in a long time. But it was worth having that second person saying "Yes, this is what you have." It will help me fit battles in the future and it also makes me feel really good to not hear "Its in your head." To have doctors who know what this actually is is very nice.
Seth had his first day, which he says was great! The walk home wasn't bad at all, and actually was pretty easy with the two kiddos.
All-in-all, its been a good couple of days. I'm still working on the nerve to drive. Still having a really hard time with that. But everyday is a work in progress, and I'm determined to progress.
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