Ok, so...wow...lots to talk about, so here goes.
There have been a lot of things going on that I haven't been able to talk about on here for a lot of reasons. But now that everything is done, and I've had a lot of prayer, I feel like it is time for me to open up about what has been going on (and also the reasoning behind a lot of my days being higher on the scale).
So first of all, I have had to let my job go. I haven't been well enough to be able to do my job efficiently. It wouldn't be fair to myself or my team had I tried to go back because I would have been useless. I have been working with my doctors, therapists and now a psychiatrist to try and get myself back to the level I need to be to be able to work, and unfortunately my time ran up at my job. I loved my new job. I just started working there in January and I loved every minute of it. It was a challenge that I needed. It pushed me to be a better person. I felt so smart and knowledgeable in my area. I was ready to face the day to day challenges with my job. Unfortunately, facing those challenges with the challenges of MdDS just wasn't possible.
Second, in June I was told that if I didn't want to suffer with pain that I was having on top of my MdDS (but not related) I would need to have a hysterectomy. You have seen me write about my two beautiful children. I love being a mom. Its all I've ever wanted to be and I always wanted a large family. These dreams were shut down when I was told that this was my only option. At 29 I never thought I would ever have to think about a hysterectomy. This news has been devastating to me and my family. My husband has been stronger than ever. I tried to put the surgery off as long as I could, however the pain had become unbearable. Walking or standing for long periods of time was excruciating. After long talks with friends who have had the surgery, talking with my mom, and other family, along with of course my husband, I decided to have the surgery.
Finally, last week I decided to start seeing a psychiatrist. I have fought with depression in the past and with all of these other issues going on along with my MdDS, I was worried of falling into that pit again. As I explained to the doc about everything going on since May all he could say was "Wow. All I keep hearing is how much loss you've gone through these last few months." Until he said that, I guess I never realized how much I have lost these last few months. I've essentially lost who I used to be. I'm having to adjust to this new person that I have had to become.
So the last few days I've prayed harder than I have in a long time. I've lifted my hands to Him, prayed for Him to keep me safe, and for guidance on this new life. I'm no longer able to have children, but I have two beautiful children that He has given to me & Josh. I am no longer a working mom, but a stay-at-home mom. I walk funny, I rock when I'm standing still, I shake in big crowds, and I close my eyes when there are patterns on wallpaper or floors that make me dizzy. I will take each day that He gives me and cherish every moment. I have my husband by my side and our Father guiding us through everyday.
This summer has definitely made my faith so much stronger than it ever has been. I have thanked Him everyday for my wonderful, supportive, loving friends and family. Because without them, that pit would have come up a lot faster than what it has. It would have swallowed me whole, but I've been able to stop it, and I will continue to stop it.
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