Last Sunday we had a massive thunderstorm come through our area. This is after the week before being off & on stormy weather. The one on Sunday, however, threw me over the edge. I have been in bed since then. I've done everything I can to be able to move and function with no luck of getting back to my normal. I tried going to work on Wednesday and lasted about 3 1/2 hours before having to leave. I wasn't able to focus. I could barely walk without the help of leaning on the walls.
I got home Wednesday and I had a massive pity party. Well not massive but I wanted to yell at someone. I needed to cry at someone. Well not at them specifically, I just needed to get it all out of me. The frustrations & anxiety & stress that comes with this sometimes debilitating disorder. I needed to cry. So I did. To my amazing husband. And even though he was stuck at work and couldn't be physically there for me in that moment. He just let me go. He let me cry it out. I needed to yell. So I did. Well, via messages to friends & family that were available to chat. Even after hitting send, I felt so much better. So of course my long message followed up with an "I'm sorry about that. I needed to AHHH for a moment. You can ignore that. LOL" But they didn't. They continued to listen, continued to ask questions and they were just patient with me as I processed everything that I was feeling.
Saturday I tried to go to the store with my husband. I felt like a drunk person falling all over the place....Yea, it was really bad. I had severe anxiety thinking that I was going to just destroy the store if I fell over. I couldn't walk straight at all. I pushed the cart but it didn't seem to help. I had to grab shelves at certain points, and also hold on to the husband as well.
Sunday rolls around and I need to get out of my house. I need to focus on something besides my bedroom walls, my disorder, my tablet. I need a change of scenery. I went to my Pop's house, the kiddos same with their cousins. I bathed to the pooch with a lot of help from my sister & my mom. I was up out of bed for about 4 hours or so. By the time I got home I was really miserable. I was holding back tears because I knew I had to call my boss and tell her that once again I was stuck, that I'm not better and I'm struggling. Worst part of the day, but also the best because I have amazing co-workers & bosses that understand that this can happen. They are not judgmental. They care. And that matters so much to me. Words cannot describe how I feel with all of the support around me when I'm in this situation.
So I've spoken about it before, how this disorder doesn't just make you off balanced but it causes a ton of mental issues. I get really bad anxiety, I stress out, I go through a type of mild depression with it, and in some situations I may even have a panic attack or 5. It can destroy you if you let it. It is an awful feeling. You worry so much about things that are unfortunately out of your control, but you can't help feeling this way.
So then I worry what the people around me think. I know I shouldn't but I do. People are very judgmental and it can crush you. Also, when you are in crowded spaces, it can cause anxiety for many reasons. You don't know which path you are going to fall and God forbid someone jumps out & cuts you off. Catastrophe waiting to happen. Its a miserable feeling.
For me, when the episodes are bad, I go back to setting minor goals to accomplish each day. And I have tried that. So far most of the goals haven't been successful, but some have. Its hard not to feel like a failure when it doesn't go as I planned. That's one of my biggest issues right now. I KNOW I'm not a failure, but you can't help but feel that way. So its more added stress on top of the crushing anxiety. But I'm fighting through it. Just like I've done each time in the past. I keep setting up new goals. And as long as I can accomplish at least one of those goals a day, I'll feel much better. I'll be able to do much more each day until I'm once again back to my normal.
But while being stuck in my bed, I started playing around on YouTube. I have found all kinds of awesome videos; however, I found an amazing video which led to another video of his partner. The videos explains the feelings that I have been having in other ways for people to understand. The first video is of Mark E. Miller. A YouTube vlogger who films his everyday life of himself, his partner Ethan, and their pup. His video "The Feelies" hit me pretty hard. I caught this video at just the right time. Then I kept searching and ended up finding that his partner, Ethan Hethcote, spoke from his own experience with anxiety in his video "Let's Talk".(See both videos below & the links to their YouTube sites). Both videos express how people have these feelings of anxiety and how to deal with those feelings.
I agree with both guys in that this is something that you need to talk about when you feel this way. Find someone who is supportive. They may not completely understand exactly what you are going through, but in some way they have probably had their own experiences. And even if they can't relate to what you are saying, they can at least be there to listen. Don't bottle up the feelings. Anxiety is a difficult subject for some to speak up about. You feel lost inside of yourself. You feel overwhelmed. But, just like it is okay to laugh at life, it is also okay to cry, scream, get frustrated. Its normal. Its human.
So I know this blog was long winded, but its one that I've wanted to write since Wednesday. Its something that I've needed to say. I needed to talk about it.
So thanks for reading. Check out the guys' videos. Good night!
~Sara
The link that Ethan talks about: http://bringchange2mind.org
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