"People Like Us"~Kelly Clarkson

Feeling like a failure is something that I still have a hard time not feeling.  Feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing because MdDS gets me down.  I've had some really awesome days in the past.  Days that I can walk through, push through and I come out feeling so good about myself.  At one point I thought I may be heading towards a remission.  I only had head pressure during bad storms and my rocking sat no higher than a 2 or 3.  
Monday morning I woke up for work.  I put two feet on the floor.  I stood up.  I feel back down.  I tried again and feel once more.  Striving to do what I needed to do, I got up again and immediately walked forward.  I pushed myself to get my kids up and ready to leave and went back down stairs and got myself ready.  It took Josh looking at me and saying if you aren't feeling right, don't go.  Don't hurt yourself.  I reluctantly stayed home, frustrated that I couldn't push hard enough. 
Tuesday morning I woke up for work.  I put two feet on the floor.  I stood up.  I feel back down.  I tried again and this time immediately walked forward.  I was determined to not let this get to me again.  I would go to work.  I would do what I needed to for my family, for myself.  I'm telling myself over and over again in my head that I can do this.  I'm not going to stay stuck at home again.  I'm going to work whether my body wants me to or not.  I'm not going to fail.  I can't fail.  I stand brushing my teeth, staring at the bottom of the sink as I fight back tears.  Coaching myself that I can't let this take me over again.  Again its Josh who speaks up..."Honey, you can't stand up straight.  You can't walk straight.  And its okay.  Stay home."  I immediately drop my toothbrush down and break down in tears.  I tell him I can't fail.  I can't be a failure.  I have to do this for my family.  "We'll be okay.  You can make up your time later.  We'll be fine."
I go back and sit at the edge of my bed.  He's right.  Its not safe for me to go anywhere or do much of anything.  I could hurt my kids in the car, hurt my friends at work.  I can't put anyone in a position of liability, its not right.  Its a selfish thing for me to do.  I stay home.  He leaves. I break down.
Then I think to myself....why do I let this stupid syndrome make me feel so low.  Why do I let it take over my emotions like that?  Its already taking over my body, I'm not letting it take over my heart.  I can't feel like a failure because looking back I've had worse times and persevered.  I'm driving again, working again, making strides to make my life better for myself and my family.  Why do I let it control me?  Its an invisible little speck of crap that life has dealt me.  Yes, I have to give in to what has been given.  I have to just deal with the ongoing rocking, bobbing, sea-sucky life that it is, but I'm so much more than this syndrome.  I'm stronger.  
So yes, I had two bad days of "living on the bottom" but came onto facebook.  I read over posts from my support groups I'm part of and there are others just like me.  We are all pushing through the same syndrome.  "We are all misfits living in a world on fire.....You just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher..."  PS>  The video spoke volumes when I was watching it....reminded me a lot of the beginning of all of this...

 

"Into The Ocean"~Blue October

So its not the greatest of pictures, but this is what I looked like after my first trip into the ocean after not being able to even look at it for over a year.  If you know me, you know my love for the beach is way up there.  I used to live at the beach in high school...(I know, gingers and sun don't mix, but you couldn't keep me away!) I used to board all the time and taught younger kids in my family how to do it after I was taught at a young age by my grandfather & uncles.  I was devastated last year when I couldn't even look at the water because it would escalate my symptoms.  
My goal at the beginning of the summer was to at least get up to my waist and try to just stay there.  I worked on going into the water at the bay which has no undercurrent and the water stays up to your calves for a long distance.  When I got to the ocean, I stayed on the shoreline with my kids until my little sister coaxed me into going into the water.  My little sister who comes up to my shoulders and I probably out weigh her by 40 lbs, held my hand and walked me through the breakers as if I was a little kid.  Once I got on the more solid sand I felt okay.  I last about 5 minutes.  Later that day, my little brother held my hand again and took me out.  This time I lasted about 10 minutes.  
What was weird is my rocking symptoms were going opposite of the way the water was actually rocking, so I decided not to push myself too hard and go ahead back to shore.  It luckily didn't make me feel bad and I felt accomplished.  
I was so excited that I had to tell everyone so now I'm sharing with you.  I wanted to share with my fellow MdDSers about this because I wanted to give a little bit of hope.  This time last year I could barely walk on my own.  I was mainly stuck in chairs and beds and couches.  Over the last year I have pushed beyond my limits to fight my symptoms and work through them.  I still have bad days...especially when big storms come through, but my good out-weight the bad and that's what counts.  
As my favorite Disney character always says "Just keep swimming!"~Dori