I got stuck tonight. I was trying to find a new song so I could write again tonight. But I couldn't find anything that really hit me for a song. So then I went through every blog I have written and made a playlist using all the songs. So I actually got to hear a lot of the music that I haven't listened to in a while and it helped.
I got stuck again because then I didn't know what I wanted to write. I wanted to write about my faith and how its pulled me through some of the harder times. Then I thought I would write about my support but I've definitely focused on that through many posts. So then I went through and read what I've already done.
It all of sudden hit me as a song started playing....Do you ever hear a song or see something and you flashback to a time in your life that you didn't remember a second ago, but that moment, that lyric, that picture took you right back to that spot in time. I get it sometimes when I pass a certain road, see a picture of something or someone, but it really hits with music.
Like I've said before, I have this crazy connection with music. Its like my memory is attached to certain songs. I can flashback to middle school dances, dance routines from recitals growing up, high school parties and car rides with friends, to parties in college and trips with my sorority sisters. I've even remembered tests that I've studied for because of using the music to remember details. I remember taking drives to see family or friends, hanging out with family or friends. Dancing with my kiddos or seeing them dance on their own.
Some of the songs I heard took me back to those posts that I've had before. Those really hard days that I didn't want to write, but I did because I made myself a promise to write the great, the good, the bad, and the really ugly. It was just as important to write about the good as it was the bad because I can look back and see all that I've accomplished.
Its been 3 1/2 years of insanity and it continues everyday. I have gone through short periods of no symptoms, but its been awhile since I went more than a few days without symptoms. I usually have at least one or two of them everyday. I can handle one or two at a time, its when all the symptoms starting hitting me at once. But I've survived worse. I've overcome a lot of obstacles and I will continue to do so. As long as I have my earbuddies and an infinite playlist of songs, I'll be set to face whatever MdDS wants to bring me.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Sunday, December 27, 2015
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"~Hillsong United
A lot has happened the last few months that has been extremely challenging for me. Its been a pretty hard struggle. One that I haven't had to deal with in a very long time, but its something that has been progressing over the last few years and I finally broke. I promised in the beginning that I would be honest here, talking about the good, the bad & the ugly of my life with MdDS...so (deep breathe) here we go....
I've talked about the crazy physical symptoms that come with MdDS. You have the rocking, swaying, motion side of things. You have the visual & inner ear struggles that vary on each patient. You have the headaches, the migraines, the brain fog. All the joys of MdDS and what we must face every day. I've talk about the nausea, motion sickness, and also the anxious feelings you get when surrounded by a large crowd.
What I want to talk about is my struggle that has been become more prevalent the last few months. I've seen people post on our support groups about it a lot. Its something that people without MdDS feel. Its something that I've dealt with in the past. Its something that I know a lot of people who have suffered from it, but its also something that people are ashamed to talk about. You feel less, you feel alone, you feel out of place. Its depression. Its anxiety. Its panic attacks. Its insane (but not really).
So I've been dealing with this for a long time behind my own walls. I've been struggling to be happy and okay with the way things are, but I eventually cracked a few months back. Depression for me is a very scary problem. It was scary when I dealt with it back in high school and college. Its even more so now. Its a struggle to get up and out of bed on some days. And for a very short period of time I didn't. I stayed in bed, not moving. I was beginning to give up on everything. I was breaking the hearts of people closest to me because of it. I was hurting them all while continually hurting myself. You can't just snap yourself out of it even though you want to. You push everyone away, when what you need to do is pull them closer. When I hurt like this, I end up saying and doing things that not only hurt myself but those around me.
The day my world cracked....
I was home being mom & wife. Dealing with kids & house & husband and I snapped on one of the kids for no reason. I don't even remember what it was about, maybe not picking something up in the living room, or cleaning up after breakfast. The point was it was nothing that warranted me yelling the way that I did to them. The words that flew from my mouth were not me. When my husband asked, "What is wrong with you?" I lost it. I screamed and yelled and finally broke down crying constantly repeating "I don't know." as I collapsed to the floor there in the middle of my kitchen. I just cracked. I cried uncontrollably. Something was wrong but I couldn't verbalize it. I couldn't explain the feelings I was having, but they were scary.
The next day I remembered trying and forcing myself out of bed. I went to lunch like I usually do with my mom & grandfather. But the minute I got home I went to bed and never got out. I stayed there all day and slept most of the day away. When I was awake, I cried. At this point it wasn't the harsh sobbing, but a constant roll of tears down my face.
The day my world exploded.....
I tried to go to work. I made myself get up. I forced myself into the shower and then to get dressed. I barely pushed my kids out the door to get them to the babysitter. I don't really remember even dropping them off that morning. I do remember starting to head to work and getting on the interstate. I was coming close to the exit to change from one interstate to the other when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. My hands started shaking and my vision was tunneling. I pulled over and knew that I was going into full blown panic attack. I knew I had to calm down. I had to get off the interstate and I needed help fast. I took deep breaths, slammed my music on really loud and started breathing to the rhythm of the songs that played. I calmed enough to get on the phone for help. I immediately got on the phone with a psychiatrist's office and set an appointment up for about an hour after all this started. I called my husband to tell him what happened and then work to let them know what was going on.
I went to the counselor. I was with her for over an hour & a half. When I was done I called my husband again and he met me at home. I stayed there for the rest of the day not leaving my room.
My world gets a bandaid....
Over the next several weeks I have gone to see my counselor. I start my week off in her office every Monday morning like clock work. I'm working through a lot of the issues that I have in my mindset. I understanding why I feel certain things and how to change those thoughts into something better. I'm communicating more with those around me. My husband, kids, family. My friends. My co-workers & bosses. I can't take meds for depression or anxiety as they alter my personality too much, so I work on certain areas of thought and ideas of coping to make things better.
I'm learning that the anger, frustration, anguish, sadness, lonliness, sense of loss, all comes with losing a part of who you once were. Its all part of the grief of losing. And its okay to feel those. I don't have to hid it, or pretend like its okay. I'm trying to be more open about it and not ashamed. I'm trying to vocalize my thoughts so they don't build up and explode.
Its taken me a while to brave writing about it and putting those feelings out there. But I know others are going through similar feelings. Even if its not with MdDS but other parts of life. It is an everyday struggle. You have to the good and the better days but you still have those harder, sadder days. It doesn't just disappear and go away. I have to work at it and that is okay. And if this blog helps even just one person, then I've done what I've set out to do.
So the song choice...I came across this song just shortly after my world explosion. I came on one of my playlists through Spotify and I've heard it a few times since then and it's helped me feel a little stronger each time I hear it. Dealing with depression & anxiety you feel like you are drowning in your own world. But I'm working on getting my head more & more above water, through my faith, my family, & my friends. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm working on myself each day. And one day, I'm going to be better, I'm going to be myself, I'm going to be stronger.
I've talked about the crazy physical symptoms that come with MdDS. You have the rocking, swaying, motion side of things. You have the visual & inner ear struggles that vary on each patient. You have the headaches, the migraines, the brain fog. All the joys of MdDS and what we must face every day. I've talk about the nausea, motion sickness, and also the anxious feelings you get when surrounded by a large crowd.
What I want to talk about is my struggle that has been become more prevalent the last few months. I've seen people post on our support groups about it a lot. Its something that people without MdDS feel. Its something that I've dealt with in the past. Its something that I know a lot of people who have suffered from it, but its also something that people are ashamed to talk about. You feel less, you feel alone, you feel out of place. Its depression. Its anxiety. Its panic attacks. Its insane (but not really).
So I've been dealing with this for a long time behind my own walls. I've been struggling to be happy and okay with the way things are, but I eventually cracked a few months back. Depression for me is a very scary problem. It was scary when I dealt with it back in high school and college. Its even more so now. Its a struggle to get up and out of bed on some days. And for a very short period of time I didn't. I stayed in bed, not moving. I was beginning to give up on everything. I was breaking the hearts of people closest to me because of it. I was hurting them all while continually hurting myself. You can't just snap yourself out of it even though you want to. You push everyone away, when what you need to do is pull them closer. When I hurt like this, I end up saying and doing things that not only hurt myself but those around me.
The day my world cracked....
I was home being mom & wife. Dealing with kids & house & husband and I snapped on one of the kids for no reason. I don't even remember what it was about, maybe not picking something up in the living room, or cleaning up after breakfast. The point was it was nothing that warranted me yelling the way that I did to them. The words that flew from my mouth were not me. When my husband asked, "What is wrong with you?" I lost it. I screamed and yelled and finally broke down crying constantly repeating "I don't know." as I collapsed to the floor there in the middle of my kitchen. I just cracked. I cried uncontrollably. Something was wrong but I couldn't verbalize it. I couldn't explain the feelings I was having, but they were scary.
The next day I remembered trying and forcing myself out of bed. I went to lunch like I usually do with my mom & grandfather. But the minute I got home I went to bed and never got out. I stayed there all day and slept most of the day away. When I was awake, I cried. At this point it wasn't the harsh sobbing, but a constant roll of tears down my face.
The day my world exploded.....
I tried to go to work. I made myself get up. I forced myself into the shower and then to get dressed. I barely pushed my kids out the door to get them to the babysitter. I don't really remember even dropping them off that morning. I do remember starting to head to work and getting on the interstate. I was coming close to the exit to change from one interstate to the other when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. My hands started shaking and my vision was tunneling. I pulled over and knew that I was going into full blown panic attack. I knew I had to calm down. I had to get off the interstate and I needed help fast. I took deep breaths, slammed my music on really loud and started breathing to the rhythm of the songs that played. I calmed enough to get on the phone for help. I immediately got on the phone with a psychiatrist's office and set an appointment up for about an hour after all this started. I called my husband to tell him what happened and then work to let them know what was going on.
I went to the counselor. I was with her for over an hour & a half. When I was done I called my husband again and he met me at home. I stayed there for the rest of the day not leaving my room.
My world gets a bandaid....
Over the next several weeks I have gone to see my counselor. I start my week off in her office every Monday morning like clock work. I'm working through a lot of the issues that I have in my mindset. I understanding why I feel certain things and how to change those thoughts into something better. I'm communicating more with those around me. My husband, kids, family. My friends. My co-workers & bosses. I can't take meds for depression or anxiety as they alter my personality too much, so I work on certain areas of thought and ideas of coping to make things better.
I'm learning that the anger, frustration, anguish, sadness, lonliness, sense of loss, all comes with losing a part of who you once were. Its all part of the grief of losing. And its okay to feel those. I don't have to hid it, or pretend like its okay. I'm trying to be more open about it and not ashamed. I'm trying to vocalize my thoughts so they don't build up and explode.
Its taken me a while to brave writing about it and putting those feelings out there. But I know others are going through similar feelings. Even if its not with MdDS but other parts of life. It is an everyday struggle. You have to the good and the better days but you still have those harder, sadder days. It doesn't just disappear and go away. I have to work at it and that is okay. And if this blog helps even just one person, then I've done what I've set out to do.
So the song choice...I came across this song just shortly after my world explosion. I came on one of my playlists through Spotify and I've heard it a few times since then and it's helped me feel a little stronger each time I hear it. Dealing with depression & anxiety you feel like you are drowning in your own world. But I'm working on getting my head more & more above water, through my faith, my family, & my friends. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm working on myself each day. And one day, I'm going to be better, I'm going to be myself, I'm going to be stronger.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)