This song has touched so deep in me. It goes back to my last post about feeling the loss of myself and learning the new me. Being okay with the way that I am now and accepting the new.
I take it day by day, working through different emotions. I put on a brave face, and laugh a lot of it off because if I don't I'll break down, and I don't want to do that any longer.
I've opened up a lot more about it. What it does to me, how it affects everyday life. What I've accomplished in the last four years but also what I struggle with every moment.
I've come to the realization that most treatments won't work for me, and it is not that I've given up on finding something that will work, but I'm not willing to put myself at risk to make things better. I'm not willing to risk my sanity. I can't do that to myself or my family. I've lost so much already, I can't lose my strength that I've gained over the last few years and even the last few months.
Lately I've been working on me and my self confidence, because I've lost a lot of it. I've learned how to play a lot of it off and pretend that I'm someone I truly don't feel on the inside. But I'm getting there. I'm doing things that make me feel whole. I'm doing things that make me feel good about myself. I'm starting to look into the mirror and find who I feel I am meant to be. I'm seeing that fire in my eyes that I thought lost. I'm seeing the strength even on my weak days. I'm finding the good and looking past the bad.
I'm opening up more to those around me with the hope that I find acceptance, but even if I don't I'm okay with that. I'm showing you who I am. I'm giving my all and not expecting understanding anymore. I know that some won't get it but this is me. I get frustrated more than I used to, I get upset, I break down. I'm not always happy go lucky and everything is great. But those happy moments you see, they are genuine. When I do smile and laugh, it is a true laugh and meaningful smile.
And those days that I don't see the good, when I've lost sight of myself, I have amazing friends and family who show me what they see. I go back to that mirror and find what they see. I remind myself that I am somebody. That I'm understood. I'm strong. I'm capable. I'm compassionate. I'm caring. I'm beautiful inside and out. and I'm loved. I'm so loved. By many. And hearing that makes the hurt and sadness and the frustration and the anger slowly go away.
The mental stress of MdDS is ridiculous. And until these last few weeks did I really start to understand why.
Since being diagnosed with MdDS, I've now also been diagnosed with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. For someone who is as energetic and outgoing as I am, to struggle with these type of mental illnesses is extremely difficult. You're already dealing with an "invisible disorder" and now lets just throw on more to the pile of crap that no one can see, believe or understand.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager (completely separate from what I have now). It was an extremely scary time for me. I had such a hard time with getting my thoughts out of my head. I used to write then whether it on paper, in books, or even on my bedroom walls, but I got it out anyway that I could. I hurt those closest to me, I was extremely emotional, and felt completely out of control of myself. I lost me. I lost who I was. But once situations changed, I got better. Much better.
But this time I can't change my situation. I can't fix it. I can't make it any better than what it is. But the anxiety and depression has been at an all time high these last few months. The panic attacks are intense. I go a few weeks of feeling okay, but then I get the bad days. The over-emotional days that I feel I'm out of control of everything, that I'm losing everything, I'm losing myself again. And I'm not sleeping because of it. Too much going through my head at once to try to get it to stop.
I started seeing a counselor for it. I'm trying to get a grasp on all of it, and figure ways to approach it all in a better way. Like I've said before, I can't take a lot of the meds they want to you to help with the symptoms to regulate it all, so I have to work with my own brain to try to train it think of things in a different way, see things in a different light.
In my last session, I talked about everything that has changed in the last 4 years. She pointed out that I'm finally grieving. Grieving for the loss of who I was. Something that I should have done a long time ago. Because I did lose her. Even if I miraculously go back to no more rocking, no more movement, etc. I will never been the same girl I was back then. I will never be that Sara again. I can't be. I have to let her go and accept that this is the new me. This is who I am 100%. Even if I go to a time with no more MdDS, I'll always be that girl who had MdDS, who struggled and fought and relearned how to live life all over again. It's hard to lose someone close to you, it's even harder when it's yourself. How do you cope with that sort of loss? How do you accept that sort of loss? and How do you move forward? You grieve, just like with anyone else you lose.
So I guess that's what I'm in the process of doing. I'm learning to cope with the emotional side of things. I figure though, if I learned how to walk, drive, cook, climb stairs and exercise all over again, then I can learn to deal with the chaos in my head. Learning not to hid it all, but to be okay to get mad, upset, frustrated, but also be happy and accept the good as well.
And just like the MdDS symptoms of understanding there will be good and bad days, it'll be the same with the panic attacks, anxiety & depression. I will have my good days, my great days, and then there will be the not so wonderful days. And it's okay for me to feel this way.
