"She Used To Be Mine"~Sara Bareilles (lyric video included)

This song has touched so deep in me.  It goes back to my last post about feeling the loss of myself and learning the new me.  Being okay with the way that I am now and accepting the new.  

I take it day by day, working through different emotions.  I put on a brave face, and laugh a lot of it off because if I don't I'll break down, and I don't want to do that any longer.  

I've opened up a lot more about it.  What it does to me, how it affects everyday life.  What I've accomplished in the last four years but also what I struggle with every moment.  

I've come to the realization that most treatments won't work for me, and it is not that I've given up on finding something that will work, but I'm not willing to put myself at risk to make things better.  I'm not willing to risk my sanity.  I can't do that to myself or my family.  I've lost so much already, I can't lose my strength that I've gained over the last few years and even the last few months.  

Lately I've been working on me and my self confidence, because I've lost a lot of it.  I've learned how to play a lot of it off and pretend that I'm someone I truly don't feel on the inside.  But I'm getting there.  I'm doing things that make me feel whole.  I'm doing things that make me feel good about myself.  I'm starting to look into the mirror and find who I feel I am meant to be.  I'm seeing that fire in my eyes that I thought lost.  I'm seeing the strength even on my weak days.  I'm finding the good and looking past the bad.  

I'm opening up more to those around me with the hope that I find acceptance, but even if I don't I'm okay with that.  I'm showing you who I am.  I'm giving my all and not expecting understanding anymore.  I know that some won't get it but this is me.  I get frustrated more than I used to, I get upset, I break down.  I'm not always happy go lucky and everything is great.  But those happy moments you see, they are genuine.  When I do smile and laugh, it is a true laugh and meaningful smile.  

And those days that I don't see the good, when I've lost sight of myself, I have amazing friends and family who show me what they see.  I go back to that mirror and find what they see.  I remind myself that I am somebody.  That I'm understood.  I'm strong.  I'm capable.  I'm compassionate.  I'm caring.  I'm beautiful inside and out.  and I'm loved.  I'm so loved.  By many.  And hearing that makes the hurt and sadness and the frustration and the anger slowly go away.