I posted earlier this week on my MdDS sites to find relief for the sinus congestion I've been suffering all weekend long. Every medicine I took made me feel so drowsy, so I reached out for suggestions.
Here's the deal...I'm a redhead...I know, what does that have to with the price of tea in China. Minus the fact that I'm your stereotypical emotional redhead, I have also come to learn that us gingers have a lot of things that come up that don't happen with out hues of colored hair.
First, we metabolize things differently. It takes us more anesthesia to keep us under for surgeries. It takes more Novocaine to numb us. And when it comes to medicines, well most meds that work for some, make us feel, well, different.
For me I can't take most anti-depressants or medications that help with neurological issues. This is a big issue for me because the meds that are helping some MdDS patients (i.e. Klonopin, Ativan, Clonazepam, etc.) mess with my psyche. This also goes along with all the new hormonal treatments they are trying on MdDSers. Adding additional hormones into my system is just NOT a good idea. I become the Hulk to my normal Bruce Banner (just ask the husband). And don't get me started on sleep aids! I was given an Ambien the night before I had my son Seth to help me to get good rest before inducing me the next day and I still don't remember any of the birth!
So, to get back on track, I had this horrible congestion over the weekend. I tried different meds here at home, and even Josh went out and bought some meds to try and help as well. Nothing has seemed to help. I have been drinking hot apple cider and also OJ. I've used saline spray which has seemed to help a little, and I've also taking a daytime and nighttime sinus decongestant. The night time stuff is okay because I sleep it off, but it also wears off after about 2 hours (great metabolism). The daytime stuff helped the first day, but the days after have just escalated my symptoms. I can't use products like Afrin as they cause nosebleeds for me and Mucinex makes my stomach upset. At this point I've decided to just suck it up and deal with it. Its now moved more towards a full blown cold with the non-stop coughing and sneezing, whereas before it was just the sinus congestion. I guess I would prefer the full on cold because I feel like I'm actually moving stuff in my system.
I'm keeping up with my saline spray, keeping a box of tissues on hand, and hand sanitizer in my pocket so I don't get anyone else sick.
On another note, my boy gets his permanent cast on today. He'll have to wear it for 6 weeks. This has been a trial for both him and myself. Seth is my right-hand man. He's always there to help me with his little sister and to help me when I need it. He was one of the first people to get that I can't do everything I used to and he just sort of stepped up on his own. Now he and I have both had to learn to adjust. I don't have my right hand man, well I do he just can't do everything that he could before the break. Lily has stepped up to help but of course she is only 4 (almost 5...oh my where has the time gone!) and she can only do but so much on her own. To top this off VA has had some horrible storm systems come through which have not helped my symptoms . So Seth and I have both struggled this last week. But he's an awesome kid and has been so brave through all of this.
And to finish my post for today, I would just like to throw out a big thank you to all who read my blog and respond with comments, whether they are good or bad, they are very encouraging. To struggle with something that is so far out of your hands, and to have the support system that I have, I just feel so lucky.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
"Brick"~Ben Folds Five
So apparently I need to make some clarifications to my last blog post because of some responses.
First of all it was 2 am, I have not slept in 3 days. I'm frustrated and pissed. I'm tired of always putting up a front. I started this blog to show the good days and the bad and even the worst when it comes to living with MdDS. I started writing so that I can get my feelings out of my head. Writing has always been very cathartic for me. I write better than I talk.
There are good days where I'm really am fine. I can dance around and be happy and all is good with the world.
There are bad days that I just push through and make it the best way that I can.
And then there are the worst days. The days where I am frustrated beyond my limits with everything around me. I'm in a horrible mood, not very pleasant to be around and I take all of my frustrations out on those who are around me at the time.
Now, if you are a avid reader of my blog you would know exactly how I feel about my family and closest friends. They are my world. I couldn't ask for better kids or a better husband. My mom is my rock and my sister and brother are everything to me.
I write how I feel, what's in my head whether good or bad. This doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me human. My life is far beyond perfect. I know that no one leads a perfect life. I know there are others less fortunate than I. I know that I'm lucky to have what I have and I hold all that closest to my heart.
I don't write how I feel for people to judge me and who I am. I write how I feel so that people have a perspective of what's going on in my head.
I'm tired of fighting everyday. I'm exhausted from the insomnia. I'm in pain from the pressure changes. I'm constantly nauseated because I'm on a damn boat 24/7. My heart aches for those around me who also have problems of their own and I can't do more to help.
My strength is melting more and more each day. I feel alone even though there are many people around me. This syndrome makes you feel alone, lost, out of control.
I've always been an independent person, and to have that independence taken from you breaks you on a whole nother level. I've cried more in the last year than I think I have in my whole life, and thats saying a lot.
So, I'm sorry for those who didn't understand my last post, but it was the first time that I've written on a worst day. It was what was in my head. Its still in my head. I feel broken, and thats saying a lot for me.
First of all it was 2 am, I have not slept in 3 days. I'm frustrated and pissed. I'm tired of always putting up a front. I started this blog to show the good days and the bad and even the worst when it comes to living with MdDS. I started writing so that I can get my feelings out of my head. Writing has always been very cathartic for me. I write better than I talk.
There are good days where I'm really am fine. I can dance around and be happy and all is good with the world.
There are bad days that I just push through and make it the best way that I can.
And then there are the worst days. The days where I am frustrated beyond my limits with everything around me. I'm in a horrible mood, not very pleasant to be around and I take all of my frustrations out on those who are around me at the time.
Now, if you are a avid reader of my blog you would know exactly how I feel about my family and closest friends. They are my world. I couldn't ask for better kids or a better husband. My mom is my rock and my sister and brother are everything to me.
I write how I feel, what's in my head whether good or bad. This doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me human. My life is far beyond perfect. I know that no one leads a perfect life. I know there are others less fortunate than I. I know that I'm lucky to have what I have and I hold all that closest to my heart.
I don't write how I feel for people to judge me and who I am. I write how I feel so that people have a perspective of what's going on in my head.
I'm tired of fighting everyday. I'm exhausted from the insomnia. I'm in pain from the pressure changes. I'm constantly nauseated because I'm on a damn boat 24/7. My heart aches for those around me who also have problems of their own and I can't do more to help.
My strength is melting more and more each day. I feel alone even though there are many people around me. This syndrome makes you feel alone, lost, out of control.
I've always been an independent person, and to have that independence taken from you breaks you on a whole nother level. I've cried more in the last year than I think I have in my whole life, and thats saying a lot.
So, I'm sorry for those who didn't understand my last post, but it was the first time that I've written on a worst day. It was what was in my head. Its still in my head. I feel broken, and thats saying a lot for me.
"Troubles Gonna Go"~Skye Zentz
First let me apologize ahead of time for any mispellings. I will make sure to spell check at the end, but computers suck and I'm awake at 2am. I figured I would be productive in my bout of insomnia and catch up my blog.
Second, this song is awesome. You can check out the artist on facebook HERE or YouTube HERE. She is a local artist from Norfolk, and a fellow Maury graduate. I fell in love with this song because basically I feel like its my motto lately.
Its been a crazy couple of days to put it lightly, so lets play catch up shall we? Virginia weather sucks. We literally in one week (and I'm not kidding about this) went from snowing one Friday to the following Wednesday being 77 (yes I said 77!) degrees with a massive windstorm that felt like we were suffering a hurricane and then by that Friday (note one week from the first one) we had snow again. Now normally I would be fine with crazy weather. Its one of the reasons why I love Virginia. We get 4 seasons instead of 2, and every once in a while we get thrown a curve ball with a little warm weather here or cold weather there. Its all fine and dandy, unless you have MdDS! Let me just tell you, pressure change SUCKS and it can go somewhere, just not here. With pressure changes I get migraines, with migraines I become your stereotypical red head. I get mean, emotional, and then I start cussing like a sailor (worse than usual). I become someone I'm not. I literally start to hate my life, my house, my everything. The best place for me is in bed, but as a mom you can't just go to bed, and you can't hate your kids or your house or anything, so you suck it up and move on. Simple right?! NOPE. Nothing has been simple lately. On the first day of it snowing (the coldest day so far in our winter) our furnace stopped working AND our water heater. Both are working now, and I started to feel like I was getting on track, until the weather flipped and we had the stupid storm in the middle of winter. By Friday I'm dead tired and don't feel like doing anything. Saturday we decide to have a productive day and run errands, so that Sunday can be nothing but lazy day and Superbowl. Sunday rolls around, I'm feeling slightly on a boat, little dizzy, nothing I can't handle and then...
My 7 year old jumps out of our front yard tree (approx. 5 feet in the air) and breaks his arm. Now first looking at it, I think he dislocated it, but after hours in the ER, its broken, big time. Can they do surgery and send us home same day...NOPE. We get to spend the night in the hospital and have no idea what time my poor kid will have surgery. He was put on a wait list and they were going to fit him where they could. Now I don't blame my kid by any means. He's a boy, and he's becoming more adventerous and accidents happen all, but SERIOUSLY! Can I get a friggin break! The anxiety of having to stay in the hospital, in a room that we are sharing with another kid, and then my poor son having to have surgery. Yea, lets just say that I was on all of my meds for the last 24 hours. My son is a trooper though, so brave. He never once cried. He did what the docs and nurses and techs needed to with very few complaints. His surgery went well and he's home, we're all home....
Yet here I am stuck awake. I can't sleep. I don't feel tired at all. I think the shock and adrenaline has hit me over what has happened the last few weeks and I'm just done. I'm beyond frustrated, beyond tired of crap just not going right. I feel like every turn I'm making is a wrong one. They can't change my meds around because the only ones they can switch me to are ones that will literally make me crazy, and at this point I'm crazy enough as it is. I want a friggin break! I want just one week of nothing going wrong.
My mom has always taught me to look at the positive. Find the postive, the happy points and move forward from there, but (and no offense to you momma) I see no friggin happy in all of this! I try to have my sense of humor and laugh about it. I put on a strong front more than people truly understand or know for that matter. I smile everyday no matter how I feel, but if you look, its a very rare occasion that the smile is genuine at this point. Brave faces suck!
Like my husband said just the other night, we are so blessed to have what money can't buy. I am blessed. I know this, but come on! And yes my family is close by. I'm lucky to have them close by, however my friends are not. My closest and dearest friends and not really close physically at all, and with me not driving, well, there goes a day trip to go see them. I miss them. I miss them being just a dorm or apartment building away. Its hard to drop everything go visit someone. Yes, I know, I could call them right? WRONG AGAIN. Why? Because with the confusion that MdDS brings I have a terrible time talking to people on the phone. Frankly, I hate talking on the phone. I'm more of a face-to-face type person. Besides, I don't want to talk about whats wrong, if that makes any sense. I just want to go and hang out. Have dinner, or lunch. Window shop for all I care!
But alas, I'm here. And just like the song says, "And as for our stresses, we just remind ourselves they'll be over"
Thanks for reading my 2am rant! Until next time....
Second, this song is awesome. You can check out the artist on facebook HERE or YouTube HERE. She is a local artist from Norfolk, and a fellow Maury graduate. I fell in love with this song because basically I feel like its my motto lately.
Its been a crazy couple of days to put it lightly, so lets play catch up shall we? Virginia weather sucks. We literally in one week (and I'm not kidding about this) went from snowing one Friday to the following Wednesday being 77 (yes I said 77!) degrees with a massive windstorm that felt like we were suffering a hurricane and then by that Friday (note one week from the first one) we had snow again. Now normally I would be fine with crazy weather. Its one of the reasons why I love Virginia. We get 4 seasons instead of 2, and every once in a while we get thrown a curve ball with a little warm weather here or cold weather there. Its all fine and dandy, unless you have MdDS! Let me just tell you, pressure change SUCKS and it can go somewhere, just not here. With pressure changes I get migraines, with migraines I become your stereotypical red head. I get mean, emotional, and then I start cussing like a sailor (worse than usual). I become someone I'm not. I literally start to hate my life, my house, my everything. The best place for me is in bed, but as a mom you can't just go to bed, and you can't hate your kids or your house or anything, so you suck it up and move on. Simple right?! NOPE. Nothing has been simple lately. On the first day of it snowing (the coldest day so far in our winter) our furnace stopped working AND our water heater. Both are working now, and I started to feel like I was getting on track, until the weather flipped and we had the stupid storm in the middle of winter. By Friday I'm dead tired and don't feel like doing anything. Saturday we decide to have a productive day and run errands, so that Sunday can be nothing but lazy day and Superbowl. Sunday rolls around, I'm feeling slightly on a boat, little dizzy, nothing I can't handle and then...
My 7 year old jumps out of our front yard tree (approx. 5 feet in the air) and breaks his arm. Now first looking at it, I think he dislocated it, but after hours in the ER, its broken, big time. Can they do surgery and send us home same day...NOPE. We get to spend the night in the hospital and have no idea what time my poor kid will have surgery. He was put on a wait list and they were going to fit him where they could. Now I don't blame my kid by any means. He's a boy, and he's becoming more adventerous and accidents happen all, but SERIOUSLY! Can I get a friggin break! The anxiety of having to stay in the hospital, in a room that we are sharing with another kid, and then my poor son having to have surgery. Yea, lets just say that I was on all of my meds for the last 24 hours. My son is a trooper though, so brave. He never once cried. He did what the docs and nurses and techs needed to with very few complaints. His surgery went well and he's home, we're all home....
Yet here I am stuck awake. I can't sleep. I don't feel tired at all. I think the shock and adrenaline has hit me over what has happened the last few weeks and I'm just done. I'm beyond frustrated, beyond tired of crap just not going right. I feel like every turn I'm making is a wrong one. They can't change my meds around because the only ones they can switch me to are ones that will literally make me crazy, and at this point I'm crazy enough as it is. I want a friggin break! I want just one week of nothing going wrong.
My mom has always taught me to look at the positive. Find the postive, the happy points and move forward from there, but (and no offense to you momma) I see no friggin happy in all of this! I try to have my sense of humor and laugh about it. I put on a strong front more than people truly understand or know for that matter. I smile everyday no matter how I feel, but if you look, its a very rare occasion that the smile is genuine at this point. Brave faces suck!
Like my husband said just the other night, we are so blessed to have what money can't buy. I am blessed. I know this, but come on! And yes my family is close by. I'm lucky to have them close by, however my friends are not. My closest and dearest friends and not really close physically at all, and with me not driving, well, there goes a day trip to go see them. I miss them. I miss them being just a dorm or apartment building away. Its hard to drop everything go visit someone. Yes, I know, I could call them right? WRONG AGAIN. Why? Because with the confusion that MdDS brings I have a terrible time talking to people on the phone. Frankly, I hate talking on the phone. I'm more of a face-to-face type person. Besides, I don't want to talk about whats wrong, if that makes any sense. I just want to go and hang out. Have dinner, or lunch. Window shop for all I care!
But alas, I'm here. And just like the song says, "And as for our stresses, we just remind ourselves they'll be over"
Thanks for reading my 2am rant! Until next time....
Thursday, January 24, 2013
"Locked Out of Heaven"~Bruno Mars "Running To You"~Newsboys
That's right ladies and gentlemen! Two blogs in one week and they are one after the other! Not only that but I have two songs for today!
SHE'S GONE CRAZY! you say....hahaha
Not crazy, but really happy right now. So I chose these two songs for two different reasons....
Song #1 is "Locked Out of Heaven"
I picked this song because its the first song that I can do my kind of dancing too. As a lot of my friends know, I'm pretty good at watching certain dances and learning them quickly (i.e. Napolean Dynamite Dance,etc.). So when I was watching Ellen Degeneres and Bruno Mars was on with his band, and loved the dance his band did in the back. Why? Because they were rocking! FINALLY! A DANCE I CAN DO!!!! I was so excited, so much so that the song has been on repeat and I do the dance at least once a day! It also helps me work on my balance exercises without feeling frustrated because if I bounce around, so do they! The best song ever!!! (Just a forewarning---the video has flashing lights, which may disturb some people!)
Song #2 "Running to You"
This song comes to me every time I feel beaten down and frustrated. I'm not a very religious type person. My relationship with my God is between myself and Him. I teach my children and husband what I feel and what I know about my God, but I keep Him in my heart. Most of you know that I'm not a churchgoer, I'm definitely not a Bible thumper, but I have my beliefs. There are personal reasons, that I will not get into as to what I believe, and I'm not looking for someone to "put me on the right path." I'm not knocking anyone's beliefs, so don't knock mine.
That being said, I've prayed more in the last year, than I have in my entire life. I have felt His presence around myself, my husband, my children, my family. I know He exists because of what I have seen, because of what I have felt. He has heard my prayers and answered a lot of them. Maybe not the big ones, and maybe not the ones that I really, really want answered like getting rid of my MdDS, giving us guidance on our finances, etc. But He answered me when it came to my family and even to my little gifts He gives me. He gives me the chance to wake everyday, to see my husband, to see my kids, to talk to my best friends and my family.
When I feel like I'm broken, hit rock bottom, and can't get up, I have my husband to send out a hand to lift me up physically, and my God picks me up emotionally. This is such a great "feel good" song.
So there you have it ladies & gentlemen, two posts, two days in a row, two songs, two videos, two different sections of my life. Have a good one! I'm going back to dancing around!~
SHE'S GONE CRAZY! you say....hahaha
Not crazy, but really happy right now. So I chose these two songs for two different reasons....
Song #1 is "Locked Out of Heaven"
I picked this song because its the first song that I can do my kind of dancing too. As a lot of my friends know, I'm pretty good at watching certain dances and learning them quickly (i.e. Napolean Dynamite Dance,etc.). So when I was watching Ellen Degeneres and Bruno Mars was on with his band, and loved the dance his band did in the back. Why? Because they were rocking! FINALLY! A DANCE I CAN DO!!!! I was so excited, so much so that the song has been on repeat and I do the dance at least once a day! It also helps me work on my balance exercises without feeling frustrated because if I bounce around, so do they! The best song ever!!! (Just a forewarning---the video has flashing lights, which may disturb some people!)
This song comes to me every time I feel beaten down and frustrated. I'm not a very religious type person. My relationship with my God is between myself and Him. I teach my children and husband what I feel and what I know about my God, but I keep Him in my heart. Most of you know that I'm not a churchgoer, I'm definitely not a Bible thumper, but I have my beliefs. There are personal reasons, that I will not get into as to what I believe, and I'm not looking for someone to "put me on the right path." I'm not knocking anyone's beliefs, so don't knock mine.
That being said, I've prayed more in the last year, than I have in my entire life. I have felt His presence around myself, my husband, my children, my family. I know He exists because of what I have seen, because of what I have felt. He has heard my prayers and answered a lot of them. Maybe not the big ones, and maybe not the ones that I really, really want answered like getting rid of my MdDS, giving us guidance on our finances, etc. But He answered me when it came to my family and even to my little gifts He gives me. He gives me the chance to wake everyday, to see my husband, to see my kids, to talk to my best friends and my family.
When I feel like I'm broken, hit rock bottom, and can't get up, I have my husband to send out a hand to lift me up physically, and my God picks me up emotionally. This is such a great "feel good" song.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
"Johnny and June"~Heidi Newfield
I last week was a horrible week. I had miserable headaches, rode a ton of big waves and just felt 100% miserable. I hate how this syndrome jumps you up and down the scale in a matter of a few hours. I can wake up feeling great and by that night I'm down & out.
Over the weekend I decided that I would put more attention towards my husband because all last week he was by my side doing everything and anything I needed. It crushes your pride when you go to give yourself a shower and before you know it, you are on the floor and can't get up on your own. I had to call Josh in to help me last week and help me get up, get showered and then get dressed. I felt like an invalid. I'm 29 years old and I feel like I'm much older. Not that my husband doesn't try to make me feel at ease about it, he never complains, never huffs or gives attitude, he just does what needs to be done without me feeling worse about myself. He let me have my time to cry in the shower when I felt helpless. He found my special towels, lotions and pajamas. He brought me my meds, drink and made sure I was okay for bed. This wasn't the first time he's done this for me. I feel miserable when it happens. I hate it with a passion and of course when you get emotional, the symptoms worsen. All week he helped when I needed it, even if I didn't say anything.
As the week went on I started to feel more like myself. By Friday I was feeling much better and even laughing again. My kids went to spend the night with my in-laws and even though I knew we really couldn't afford it, I asked my husband to go out to dinner. We hadn't had a date night in a really long time. I think we even forgot what those were, but we went out. We decided on Wasabi which is a hibachi grill place. (Obviously, I didn't think this through.) When we sat down and did think it through, before we even ordered, my husband says "We can leave, its okay." "No," I said, "I want to stay, I want dinner with you." We had a relaxing morning and hung out with my mom and niece and then went to a hockey game with my kids & brother & sister-in-law.
I've been looking forward to this night hockey, its my favorite of the entire season. Norfolk Admirals has a night called "Pink in the Rink." on this night everyone dresses pink, the turn the ice pink and they raise money for Susan G. Komen Tidewater Chapter. This night is special to me because I have wonderful women in my family who have battled cancer. The downside...its hockey-meaning trying to follow 10 players back and forth on ice, trying to follow a puck, all while sitting in a mass crowd elevated above the ground. I've always loved hockey games, but they've gotten worse and my MdDS has been around. I've learned some tricks though. I, of course, have my music. I learned that I cannot sit at the highest level, the middle level is best. I also make sure to get up in between periods and rock or move however I need to. I focus on the game, but if I can't watch then I talk to those around me. Looking at one person vs. every thing else helps. It was a lot of fun to get out and just be a "normal" person for once.
Sunday rolls around and things were still good for me. I spent some time snuggling with my husband, did some laundry and then had family dinner at my sister's house. All-in-all a great weekend. But, I also discovered something, maybe not discovered, maybe just realized how lucky I truly am. I have this amazing person who all last week and this weekend was there the entire time. Through good and bad, happy or sad, sick or well, Josh was with me. My partner, my best friend. I have to keep remembering that he didn't ask for me to get sick, he didn't want this and he doesn't want this for me. He wants me better too. I know in his heart he wants the marriage that we looked forward to, like traveling with our kiddos, planning monthly dates and getaways, a marriage where we were financially comfortable and every day life was good. I want that marriage too, but if this weekend was any indication, we still have that marriage, we just need to adjust a little, and if we lose everything, we still have our marriage and our kids and our family. I'm a lucky girl, even if I am on a permanent cruise.
Over the weekend I decided that I would put more attention towards my husband because all last week he was by my side doing everything and anything I needed. It crushes your pride when you go to give yourself a shower and before you know it, you are on the floor and can't get up on your own. I had to call Josh in to help me last week and help me get up, get showered and then get dressed. I felt like an invalid. I'm 29 years old and I feel like I'm much older. Not that my husband doesn't try to make me feel at ease about it, he never complains, never huffs or gives attitude, he just does what needs to be done without me feeling worse about myself. He let me have my time to cry in the shower when I felt helpless. He found my special towels, lotions and pajamas. He brought me my meds, drink and made sure I was okay for bed. This wasn't the first time he's done this for me. I feel miserable when it happens. I hate it with a passion and of course when you get emotional, the symptoms worsen. All week he helped when I needed it, even if I didn't say anything.
As the week went on I started to feel more like myself. By Friday I was feeling much better and even laughing again. My kids went to spend the night with my in-laws and even though I knew we really couldn't afford it, I asked my husband to go out to dinner. We hadn't had a date night in a really long time. I think we even forgot what those were, but we went out. We decided on Wasabi which is a hibachi grill place. (Obviously, I didn't think this through.) When we sat down and did think it through, before we even ordered, my husband says "We can leave, its okay." "No," I said, "I want to stay, I want dinner with you." We had a relaxing morning and hung out with my mom and niece and then went to a hockey game with my kids & brother & sister-in-law.
 | |
| "Pink in the Rink" with my number one supporter and my music |
I've been looking forward to this night hockey, its my favorite of the entire season. Norfolk Admirals has a night called "Pink in the Rink." on this night everyone dresses pink, the turn the ice pink and they raise money for Susan G. Komen Tidewater Chapter. This night is special to me because I have wonderful women in my family who have battled cancer. The downside...its hockey-meaning trying to follow 10 players back and forth on ice, trying to follow a puck, all while sitting in a mass crowd elevated above the ground. I've always loved hockey games, but they've gotten worse and my MdDS has been around. I've learned some tricks though. I, of course, have my music. I learned that I cannot sit at the highest level, the middle level is best. I also make sure to get up in between periods and rock or move however I need to. I focus on the game, but if I can't watch then I talk to those around me. Looking at one person vs. every thing else helps. It was a lot of fun to get out and just be a "normal" person for once.
Sunday rolls around and things were still good for me. I spent some time snuggling with my husband, did some laundry and then had family dinner at my sister's house. All-in-all a great weekend. But, I also discovered something, maybe not discovered, maybe just realized how lucky I truly am. I have this amazing person who all last week and this weekend was there the entire time. Through good and bad, happy or sad, sick or well, Josh was with me. My partner, my best friend. I have to keep remembering that he didn't ask for me to get sick, he didn't want this and he doesn't want this for me. He wants me better too. I know in his heart he wants the marriage that we looked forward to, like traveling with our kiddos, planning monthly dates and getaways, a marriage where we were financially comfortable and every day life was good. I want that marriage too, but if this weekend was any indication, we still have that marriage, we just need to adjust a little, and if we lose everything, we still have our marriage and our kids and our family. I'm a lucky girl, even if I am on a permanent cruise.
Monday, January 14, 2013
"As Easy As Breathing"~Howard Shore
Today's blog post is a little scattered because well my brain is scattered. Welcome to MdDS. You have your normal, everyday wife/mom scattered brain and then you throw that on a boat! Here we go:
First, It's official. I've started the process to file for disability. I've been out of work since May of last year. I still can't drive, still can't work with computers for a long time, can't stand up on my feet for long periods or even sit up straight for long periods. I can't work. I've tried working on my exercises to get myself back to the possibility of working, but its not helping.
From working at a doctor's office, I know this process is hard and tedious, but I have to do it. I have to be able to get my family in a safe place financially. So, I filed the paperwork online, and now I have to gather up all of the info they need and drop it off at the office.
Second, I've found humor in this. You have to. You don't have a choice. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can, and if you don't laugh it off then you'll get stressed out and that makes your symptoms worse. Now I'm not saying, don't get upset, don't get frustrated, etc. That's normal, and will come along with MdDS. But on your good days if you have an "MdDS Moment" as I like to call them, then laugh it off. For instance, my little brother always asks me questions like "How's the water today?" "Are we going up or down?" or my favorite as I go to leave him "Happy Sailing!" Then there are those times that I'm walking and out of nowhere I start to fall over, but I'm able to catch myself, I just look at my husband and say "Whoa! That was a big wave!" There have been many times I've gotten on the floor with my little niece and can't quite get up because of the motion I'm feeling, so I just stay there. Eventually someone will walk by and ask why I'm there, I'll just say, "I got stuck, so I figured I'd check out the floor."
Like I said, I do have my bad days, I get frustrated, tired, upset and I have my meltdowns. I allow this for myself, but I don't allow myself to stay that way. I give myself my days of let down, but I hold dear those good days when I feel good about myself, my situation, and my life.
Next. People have been asking me about my couponing and how I do it. Now, let me start by saying I'm not a hoarder! I'm not as crazy as TLC, but I would say I'm decent. I only buy what I know my family will use over a period of time. Couponing is great if you know what your family uses. It also allows you to try things for free or cheap. You also tend to eat more at home instead of going out to eat because you have such good food in your house. It leaves extra money around for meat and fresh produce as well.
The first step was that I got together with a friend of mine who already coupons. She taught me everything I know, and I'm still learning. There is a lot of info to take in, so I'll give you the best tips she gave me:
1. Get a binder and baseball card sleeves. These are the perfect size for coupons. Organize your book to your specifications. Mine is set up by aisles (i.e. dairy, frozen, pantry, baking, baby, pet supplies, etc.) Like I said before I'm a little OCD, so having my extremely organized helps me when I'm in the stores. The key is to keep your book up to date! Make sure to keep an eye out for dates, whether the coupon can double, etc.
2. Get the newspaper, or two or three. I personally get two Sunday papers and the Wednesday paper. These are the days that my local paper has coupons and ads. The more papers, the more coupons. Also use online sites such as coupons.com. Check out social media sites like facebook & twitter, they will post about new products and you can sometimes receive free samples or coupons. (Alot of times if they send you a free sample, they will send a coupon of that particular product)
3. Know your stores. Know their policies. Print off their policy and keep it with you. Just because a person works at a store doesn't mean they know their own policies. Watch for the number of coupons you can double in one trip. For instance, my local places only double up to 20 coupons at a time. Go back later if you have to :-) Also check with their store cards, for example Harris Teeter has an e-vic card, Food Lion has MVP, etc, and Kroger has their VIP program. Some stores allow you to put coupons digitally on your card, and some stores even allow the store coupons to be stacked with manufacturing coupons!
4. Find locals in your area who are couponing. Here in my area we have a group on facebook. We post about items we see around our area that will help each other save money. There is also a local blogger who posts up price matches with the ads and coupons! You can check her out at HERE She gets the ads and matches them to the coupons that we have so that we know just by looking at her site what items are free or discounted! The other great thing about finding locals is you can barter items or coupon swap! For example, let's say I found an item that would be free but I have no use for it, I would then swap the item with someone in my locals group that may need it for something they have. The other great thing is you can donate to your local food banks and food drives if you don't want the items.
At first couponing seemed stressful to me because let's face it, I hate math. But I've come to enjoy it. Its an exercise that I can do to work on my focus and motor skills. Its helping my family when we are in a situation where money is a big issue. In a way its calming, which is odd to say I know, but it is. The focusing on cutting the papers and the practicing of reading items, its nice.
Lastly, I would like to just throw out how frustrating explaining my situation to people can be. Its not that I don't like talking about it, because the more I talk, the more people will listen and the more word will spread about MdDS. What I mean is that I'm tired of explaining my situation to the same people over and over again. Its finally hit me that no one understands what I'm dealing with except those who are dealing with it as well. I have my supporters, those few people who accept that this is what is going on in my life and who try to understand. Then there are the doubters, those few people who don't believe me at all. But then there are those few people who support and accept but just can't wrap their heads around it. Telling the same person over and over again "No I can't drive" "No I can't work" "Yes I'm sure there is no cure" "Yes I'm sure there is nothing they can do about it" Its ANNOYING. Just listen to what I'm saying to you and move on, accept it or don't, but don't keep asking me over and over again.
Ok, I think my brain is empty now....I'll write later....Until the next time :-)
First, It's official. I've started the process to file for disability. I've been out of work since May of last year. I still can't drive, still can't work with computers for a long time, can't stand up on my feet for long periods or even sit up straight for long periods. I can't work. I've tried working on my exercises to get myself back to the possibility of working, but its not helping.
From working at a doctor's office, I know this process is hard and tedious, but I have to do it. I have to be able to get my family in a safe place financially. So, I filed the paperwork online, and now I have to gather up all of the info they need and drop it off at the office.
Second, I've found humor in this. You have to. You don't have a choice. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can, and if you don't laugh it off then you'll get stressed out and that makes your symptoms worse. Now I'm not saying, don't get upset, don't get frustrated, etc. That's normal, and will come along with MdDS. But on your good days if you have an "MdDS Moment" as I like to call them, then laugh it off. For instance, my little brother always asks me questions like "How's the water today?" "Are we going up or down?" or my favorite as I go to leave him "Happy Sailing!" Then there are those times that I'm walking and out of nowhere I start to fall over, but I'm able to catch myself, I just look at my husband and say "Whoa! That was a big wave!" There have been many times I've gotten on the floor with my little niece and can't quite get up because of the motion I'm feeling, so I just stay there. Eventually someone will walk by and ask why I'm there, I'll just say, "I got stuck, so I figured I'd check out the floor."
Like I said, I do have my bad days, I get frustrated, tired, upset and I have my meltdowns. I allow this for myself, but I don't allow myself to stay that way. I give myself my days of let down, but I hold dear those good days when I feel good about myself, my situation, and my life.
Next. People have been asking me about my couponing and how I do it. Now, let me start by saying I'm not a hoarder! I'm not as crazy as TLC, but I would say I'm decent. I only buy what I know my family will use over a period of time. Couponing is great if you know what your family uses. It also allows you to try things for free or cheap. You also tend to eat more at home instead of going out to eat because you have such good food in your house. It leaves extra money around for meat and fresh produce as well.
The first step was that I got together with a friend of mine who already coupons. She taught me everything I know, and I'm still learning. There is a lot of info to take in, so I'll give you the best tips she gave me:
1. Get a binder and baseball card sleeves. These are the perfect size for coupons. Organize your book to your specifications. Mine is set up by aisles (i.e. dairy, frozen, pantry, baking, baby, pet supplies, etc.) Like I said before I'm a little OCD, so having my extremely organized helps me when I'm in the stores. The key is to keep your book up to date! Make sure to keep an eye out for dates, whether the coupon can double, etc.
2. Get the newspaper, or two or three. I personally get two Sunday papers and the Wednesday paper. These are the days that my local paper has coupons and ads. The more papers, the more coupons. Also use online sites such as coupons.com. Check out social media sites like facebook & twitter, they will post about new products and you can sometimes receive free samples or coupons. (Alot of times if they send you a free sample, they will send a coupon of that particular product)
3. Know your stores. Know their policies. Print off their policy and keep it with you. Just because a person works at a store doesn't mean they know their own policies. Watch for the number of coupons you can double in one trip. For instance, my local places only double up to 20 coupons at a time. Go back later if you have to :-) Also check with their store cards, for example Harris Teeter has an e-vic card, Food Lion has MVP, etc, and Kroger has their VIP program. Some stores allow you to put coupons digitally on your card, and some stores even allow the store coupons to be stacked with manufacturing coupons!
4. Find locals in your area who are couponing. Here in my area we have a group on facebook. We post about items we see around our area that will help each other save money. There is also a local blogger who posts up price matches with the ads and coupons! You can check her out at HERE She gets the ads and matches them to the coupons that we have so that we know just by looking at her site what items are free or discounted! The other great thing about finding locals is you can barter items or coupon swap! For example, let's say I found an item that would be free but I have no use for it, I would then swap the item with someone in my locals group that may need it for something they have. The other great thing is you can donate to your local food banks and food drives if you don't want the items.
At first couponing seemed stressful to me because let's face it, I hate math. But I've come to enjoy it. Its an exercise that I can do to work on my focus and motor skills. Its helping my family when we are in a situation where money is a big issue. In a way its calming, which is odd to say I know, but it is. The focusing on cutting the papers and the practicing of reading items, its nice.
Lastly, I would like to just throw out how frustrating explaining my situation to people can be. Its not that I don't like talking about it, because the more I talk, the more people will listen and the more word will spread about MdDS. What I mean is that I'm tired of explaining my situation to the same people over and over again. Its finally hit me that no one understands what I'm dealing with except those who are dealing with it as well. I have my supporters, those few people who accept that this is what is going on in my life and who try to understand. Then there are the doubters, those few people who don't believe me at all. But then there are those few people who support and accept but just can't wrap their heads around it. Telling the same person over and over again "No I can't drive" "No I can't work" "Yes I'm sure there is no cure" "Yes I'm sure there is nothing they can do about it" Its ANNOYING. Just listen to what I'm saying to you and move on, accept it or don't, but don't keep asking me over and over again.
Ok, I think my brain is empty now....I'll write later....Until the next time :-)
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
"Safe and Sound"~Taylor Swift w/ Civil Wars
I know its been awhile since I've written on here, so I have some catching up to do.
The holidays were really tough. I definitely pushed myself beyond a breaking point. I know now not to do to much, and I also need to learn to say no to myself. I can't do everything. I couldn't do everything even before MdDS. Christmas was great. The kids had a wonderful time and so did myself & my husband. It was leading up to Christmas that was when I pushed too hard. I've learned my boundaries and I've known them for awhile and yet I pushed. Even after days of relaxation, I still ended up having an emotional breakdown. A breakdown that even to this day scares me. I never want to feel that out of control again. I've learned from it though and plan to move on and grow from it. I'm never going to push myself that hard again.
The New Year holiday was tough as well, but not because of MdDS but because I lost a great friend. My boss from NSA passed away, but she was more than a boss to me. She was part of my family. I was honored by my girls from the office to be chosen to speak for the group the day of her funeral. The anxiety from all of the emotions swirling were horrible, but I had to do this for myself, for Janet. I loved her, we all did. I was proud of myself for being able to stand up and speak about her and what she meant to us, but that night I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't rest my head enough even with my meds.
Yesterday and today have been really tough to be able to get moving. I'm not sleeping very well and the sleep that I do get is very light. It drains me. It frustrates me. I was to a point that I could take showers on my own without anyone home, but that's changed again. I'm back to waiting for someone to be here with me. I can't move around the house too much because my boat is out at sea right now and it sucks with a capital S.
So here I am, I am pushing forward, because I dare not go backward. I've found my inner strength though and I have been able to take my son to scouts last night and tonight its off to girl scouts with Lily. Its that inner strength that I never knew I had until last year.
I'm going to continue to write, it may be frequent, it may be sporadic, but I'm going to write because its a good outlet for me.
The holidays were really tough. I definitely pushed myself beyond a breaking point. I know now not to do to much, and I also need to learn to say no to myself. I can't do everything. I couldn't do everything even before MdDS. Christmas was great. The kids had a wonderful time and so did myself & my husband. It was leading up to Christmas that was when I pushed too hard. I've learned my boundaries and I've known them for awhile and yet I pushed. Even after days of relaxation, I still ended up having an emotional breakdown. A breakdown that even to this day scares me. I never want to feel that out of control again. I've learned from it though and plan to move on and grow from it. I'm never going to push myself that hard again.
The New Year holiday was tough as well, but not because of MdDS but because I lost a great friend. My boss from NSA passed away, but she was more than a boss to me. She was part of my family. I was honored by my girls from the office to be chosen to speak for the group the day of her funeral. The anxiety from all of the emotions swirling were horrible, but I had to do this for myself, for Janet. I loved her, we all did. I was proud of myself for being able to stand up and speak about her and what she meant to us, but that night I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't rest my head enough even with my meds.
Yesterday and today have been really tough to be able to get moving. I'm not sleeping very well and the sleep that I do get is very light. It drains me. It frustrates me. I was to a point that I could take showers on my own without anyone home, but that's changed again. I'm back to waiting for someone to be here with me. I can't move around the house too much because my boat is out at sea right now and it sucks with a capital S.
So here I am, I am pushing forward, because I dare not go backward. I've found my inner strength though and I have been able to take my son to scouts last night and tonight its off to girl scouts with Lily. Its that inner strength that I never knew I had until last year.
I'm going to continue to write, it may be frequent, it may be sporadic, but I'm going to write because its a good outlet for me.
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