Writing has been tough lately. Its taken time to get this blog to you, mostly because I have not been home to write, but also because I haven't been in a writing mood.
I made my trip to Richmond okay. We left Friday night kinda late and got up there really late. The next day we prepared for my girl Drea's 30th! I wouldn't have missed it for anything! She had a black & white soiree and it was a blast. We decorated her house so cute! I was doing so well that, with help from my hubby, I was able to hang decorations up high on a wall with a chair! I was so stable feeling on Saturday with only a few times that I felt slightly dizzy. Then the party started, and as people started pouring into the house I decided to hide out in the kitchen were it was slightly less chaotic. As I became used to the crowd, I was able to move around and converse normally with the guests. My husband was by myside the whole time. I know I pushed myself way too much, but I will not let this control me. I will not let this takeover my life and tell me what I can and cannot do. I refuse to miss out on my best friends birthday. I put on a brave face and I tell people that I'm fine. If I'm not fine, I sit down or move to a less crowded area. Sunday I woke feeling dreadful. I took a nap before we had to start the trip back home and I slept most of the way back.
I have become stubborn with this. I've put my foot down and told myself that no longer will this make me miss out on what I want to do, so I push hard. Sometimes I push too hard, but I want to live my life. There are days where even me pushing myself isn't enough and I'm stuck laying around the house, but I do what I can.
On a side note, I love that my kids love music as much as I do. They dance for me when I can't. They sing my favorite songs when they think I'm not listening. They are at a good age to appreciate all types of music. Lily informed me that she loves the girl music, however her favorite song at the moment is "We Are Young" by Fun. She loves to dance to anything. It cracks me up that I watch Ellen everyday and she has to dance with Ellen. We even have to rewind the recording so she can dance some more. Seth is into LMFAO. He's learned all the words to "Party Rock" and "Sorry for Party Rocking."
Music is healing for me and I'm glad to see that my kids ask for the volume up so they can rock out. I zone out and they rock out!
**I would like to note that I started this blog earlier this week. I was in the process of editing it, when tragedy hit today on the news. I originally wasn't going to post today, but decided that I needed to.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected by the shooting in Connecticut. It is a horrible tragedy and my heart goes out to those children, teachers, parents, school officials, families, and community members. I cannot wrap my head around how all of this has happened, as most of the country feels this pain. To talk to my son about what happened was so hard, but he asked me questions and knows that I am always honest and will answer what I can. I brought the details down to his level, told him what I felt was appropriate information to an extent. What brought me to tears again today was that he said, "Mommy, God was ready for those babies to go home. Can we pray for them so they can look out for other kids like me and my friends?" Out of the mouth of babes!**
Let me just start by saying that I am not one to blast my religion onto anyone. My beliefs are mine alone, those close to me know how and what I feel. I hear all of the time, "How come we do not see modern day miracles?" I say that its all in how you look at the world and your perspective. We wonder, "Why me?" but forget to look at our neighbors who suffer worse. In the last year I will state that I have seen two wonderful miracles, two acts of my loving God who has been looking over my shoulder and my family's. I will not go into details of these miracles because they are very personal, and over time I have changed my perspective. At the beginning of this summer when I was first diagnosed, I selfishly thought "Why me?" However, now looking at the bigger picture, yes I have MdDS, but two wonderful people in my family have been blessed more than I can ever imagine, and if I have to carry this burden, but they have been helped, then I will say my prayer of thanks. I would gladly live every day with MdDS for the rest of my life thanking my God that I have my family by my side. Its all in how you look at it. Its a struggle more ways than one, but I will push through, we will push through.
This week has been so stressful. I won't go into much detail because it is extremely personal and not my information to pass along, so I won't. BUT! I plan on ending it on a fantastic note with a short trip to see the besties!!! I'm leaving for Richmond for the weekend to get away and have a relaxing time with some friends. My girl, Drea, is turning 30 and for the last 10 years I've celebrated her birthday either by her side or over the phone! I'm not missing this year for anything! We are leaving in just a few minutes and I've never been more excited to get away.
I've taken a few day trips, but we haven't done an over night trip in quite sometime so this will be good for me and my family. We definitely need it. So off we go!
These last few days have sucked! I have felt miserable. I've put on a brave face, but its been extremely hard, and last night I really started to crack. I've been taking my Valium at night more often than I have in a long time. My insomnia has kicked back in so hard. I've also started getting severe joint pain. The last time I hurt this bad was in the very beginning of my MdDS.
Emotional I'm tense. Every little thing aggravates me. I have been trying my eyes closed counting, but I'm tense. I'm snappy towards my kids and I don't want to be. I've even snapped at my husband. When he asked me what was wrong, but I just broke down in tears.
I don't know if this is from lack of sleep, hormones, or the valium that is screwing with my head. The Valium is supposed to calm me enough so that I can sleep, but it hasn't been helping. I've been sleeping in 1-2 hour increments. Its frustrating.
My house is a wreck. I'm supposed to be getting ready for Christmas. I have a living room & dining room full of packages that I need to wrap and all I do is look at them with frustration because I haven't even been home to touch anything. I feel like I do nothing but dishes all the time, yet anytime I need a friggin fork there are no clean ones! Who gets mad over a dirty fork! Seriously! I have baskets of laundry that have been clean for weeks and yet they aren't folded or hung up and after I use up all my energy to move things from the washer to dryer, I don't have energy to fold & hang. So the baskets sit there, and then they get dug through because people need clean clothes and then they end up all over the floor out of the baskets. I had a good system going with my laundry, but lately I've had no energy to do anything. I clean one bathroom and I'm done for the day.
I hate feeling like this. I would love to have one "normal" day, hell at this point I'll go for one low-on-the-scale kinda days! There is so much to be done, and no time at all for any of it.
My goal for this week will be to get at least the laundry finished, presents wrapped, and all the dishes done before I head to Richmond this weekend. I hope I even make it to Richmond, but that's a different story.
So now I'm off to bed with another Valium in my system hoping for some rest. Good Night all!
