"Higher Ground"~Red Hot Chili Peppers

While talking to my buddy the other day, I realized he's coming up on it one year wedding anniversary, which means I'm coming up on my one year of having MdDS.  I found a note I made on Facebook about a week or so after I was diagnosed.  I had completely forgotten how bad that week had been.  I would have thought that I would never forget, but even as bad as my bad days get, they aren't comparable to that first week or so.  
Looking back at my very first post I had here, it shows how far I've come.  No, I'm still not working, or driving, but I am able to move freely around my home.  I walk to get my son to and from school, I cook on my better days, I can take care of my kids, and I've mastered most household chores.  I've learned my limits.  I don't push myself too hard.  
Yes I still struggle.  Just yesterday I took a normal shower.  Not too long, just enough to get and get out and I felt like someone beat the heck out of me.  Something that I enjoy, taken away, but you learn to live with it. 
I hate having to push through everything.  I want it to come naturally again.  I want to be able to get up without having to think where my feet are and where they are going.  I hate having to watch for the unknown.  Its hard to explain, but I have to focus literally on everything.  Where I am, where others are, where objects are and how everything moves.  It is almost like you are in your own chess game.  If you make this move then what happens next.  Its exhausting.  But you do it, because you have to survive.  
I just want a day, just one.  One day of a real normal.  To be able to get in my car, roll down the windows and drive down the interstate with music blaring.  To drive to the beach and board with my brother.  To go shopping with my sister without any anxiety.  To ride a roller coaster with my mom.  To go on a trip just me and my husband back to the mountains without any repercussions.   To push my daughter and niece on a swing without feeling dizzy.  To teach my kids to swim as I was taught.  To just be me and who I've always been.  
I'm better than I was, but I still have a journey to continue.  I'm still working that uphill climb, but one day I'll get to the top.