My niece wrote a quote from this song the other day, and it just spoke volumes to me, so I thought I would write. I haven't written in awhile and that is because of the busy life I now lead.
Am I in remission? No, not really. I'm feeling better than what I did. I have my good and bad days. I'm living the life that I have been given to the best of my ability and that's all I can ask for. "Sometimes my tries are outside the lines."
I have been working. Part-time, but still I'm working. I'm pushing through some of my tougher days to get to work and do my best. Do I accomplish all of my goals, no, not in one day, but I do get most of my work done. I have to take breaks. I can't sit and stare at a computer or print-outs for long periods of time. Thankfully the company I am working for know my work ethic and understand that I'm not at my 100% most days. They don't hold it against me and they work with me so I feel like I am doing good not only for them but for myself as well.
I am now a girl scout leader for a group of daisies and brownies. My girls range from 5-7. Fourteen girls to be precise. I have amazing moms and a wonderful co-leader who assist with the troop. The girls give push me in their own right too. I have fun with them teaching them about life, sisterhood, and become independent strong leaders of tomorrow. I feel like I have a purpose at this point in my life. On my good days we work on crafts, the Girl Scout Promise, badge work, and on my bad days we play games that the girls can do on their own together and I can just supervise.
I've pushed myself harder these last few months that I have ever pushed myself before. I find this inner strength that is needed to shove down barriers and break down walls, barriers and walls that I had not realized I put upon myself. My son, Seth, has had issues with writing since he started first grade. He's gotten better, but he has placed these barriers up of feelings that he can't accomplish what tasks he needs to do. In teaching him to say "I can" instead of "I can't," I've also pushed myself. I've realized that I placed so many barricades that its no wonder I felt worthless and no good in many areas of my life.
I've talked in the past about the wonderful support of family & friends that I have. How their love and compassion and sometimes swift kicks in my butt, have made living with MdDS bearable most days, but there were these blocks in my mind that I had to push through myself. The belief in myself that I will overcome the obstacles or I will learn how to get around them. When you have these walls up, no matter the size, you need to look at all aspects of the wall. Figure out, do I climb? dig under? is there a way to go around? or do I break through? Sometimes you can come up with the answer immediately and sometimes it takes time, as long as at some point you deal with that wall.
With MdDS, life will never be perfect, well, unless you like living on a boat 24/7. One thing it does do is make you stronger. Think about it. Sometimes its hard to remember what your life was like prior to having MdDS, especially for those who have dealt with this for years. But who you were then, is not who you are today with MdDS. Even if you don't feel like you are stronger, even when you have your weakest moments, you are stronger than you once were, because you have to fight each and everyday for your health, your sanity, your life. You become someone stronger because you have to be. Even when you don't want to fight anymore, when you are ready to give up, when you are at your lowest of lows, you are still stronger because you woke up today on a boat and you have to figure out how you are going to get up, make that cup of coffee and somehow manage to get one foot in each pant leg all while in constant motion. You will struggle, you will fall, but its the strong ones who continually get back up and say not today my friend, not today.
I have learned to embrace my MdDS. Educate those who have never heard about it. Accept what I cannot change and move forward. Because the day that I let my MdDS alter who I am as a person is the day that it wins and I lose. I'm not a loser. I will fight. I will motivate. I will survive. Not for my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, but for me. I will survive for me. (Although I do have a pretty awesome family and great friends and they are worth surviving for as well.)
"Today is where your book begins."
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