"Fear"~Blue October

OK, so this song has been stuck in my head for two days and the more I listen to it, I had to write about it.  

So first let me just talk about the video (which may be hard for MdDSers to watch)  But the fact that he is singing these words out into a really rocky ocean spoke even more volumes to me.  The lyrics talk about falling emotionally and mentally, however for us MdDSers getting back up from a literal fall is just has hard to to.  To scream these lyrics out into the world the way that Justin's voice carries is amazing.  

Alright, so the lyrics.  He basically is singing about pushing through and getting back up and moving on.  You don't have to fear anything.  You can push through and be okay on the other side.  There is light on the other side even when you feel like you are in a dark place.  Its about believing in yourself when you didn't think that you could.

"Been running from a pain in me, A feeling I don't understand, Holding me down"

To be told there is no cure, there is no treatment to make your life go back to "normal" and that you will have to adjust to your new "normal" is some of the worst words you can be told.  This goes for more than just MdDS but any chronic disorder, disease, permanent injury.  To be told that your entire life is going to change is so devastating.  Its hard not to fall into a pit of despair and not be able to rise above it all.  

"The beauty is, I'm learning how to face my beast, Starting now to find some peace, Set myself free"

To find that peace with the "new" you is so difficult to do, but you get to a point (time line may vary for each person, mine was a few months) that you realize okay, I cannot let my life pass me by.  I have to do something to "fix" my world.  So I sat with my husband and figured out all of the parts of my life I do have control over and how can I take those parts of my life back.  There are still some things that I cannot do, and that is okay (can't look straight up to the sky, can't watch the trees go by in a car, definitely can't watch NASCAR or any other fast movement).  But I can crawl up the stairs to tuck my kids into bed on my medium symptom days, I can work even on my 7-8 scale days with the help of my co-workers.  I can dance on my low symptoms days (and I be sure to do this even if I'm not in a dance move because I have to prove to myself that everything is going to be okay).  I push myself to travel, go on trips, see the world.  

"I'm staring through the I don't care, It's staring back at me"

I have had to learn to take chances.  Even if it will restart my symptoms, I can't live in the fear that my symptoms and life will go back to the way it was three years ago.  I have to live every minute of my life that I have even on high level symptom days.  I have to be able to look back and say it was totally worth it and I'm ready to do it all again.  

"I don't have to be afraid, I don't have to let the damage, consume me,"

In two weeks I'm heading to Tennessee.  Its the first time I'm traveling through mountains since I was diagnosed.  Its the first time that I will be dealing with extreme heights above sea level while going back and forth and around various mountains, but I have to do this.  I want to live my life with my husband and kids.  I want to take trips with them.  Our plan is go to a theme park, an aquarium, and maybe even horse back riding.  All types of triggers, but I have no fear.  I have to trust in myself.  

"Fear in itself
Will reel you in
And spit you out over and over again
Believe in yourself
and you will walk
Fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
like you were never enough
I used to fall but now I get back up

I'm moving on
Oh god just move on
Today,
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid....
Get back up
Get up"