I know that my last few blogs have been a little depressing. This is not my typical self. Obviously things have been a little strained lately. Many people have told me that this is strange for me to be this way because this is not who I am. My mom, who learned from her mom, taught my siblings and I how to always stay positive, persevere and push through, find the good in all that comes your way.
Depression runs hard in my family. Many people don't believe in depression. They believe that its all in your head and its all your perspective. Well, as a survivor of it I can tell you that it does exist. Its a difficult disease to deal with, its complicated and yes it is in your head (duh!). Depression, in layman's terms is a misfiring of signals in the brain. Sometimes good therapy can help, and in some cases you take meds to help the system to get back on track. I used to have to take the meds when I was in high school and the start of college, but I've been off of them for awhile. I contemplated going back on them last summer when things started crashing down last year, but I fought against it. I haven't felt like things were that bad since, until recently.
The night before last I had another bought of insomnia and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake staring at my ceiling in my room contemplating my choices. As I mentioned a few days ago, I still see no good in all of what has happened in the last few weeks. I don't see a reasoning behind all of this. For the first time in awhile, my husband came up to me and just wrapped his arms around me and said, "It will all be okay. We will get through this together just like with everything else. I love you." Now my husband kisses me always. He tells me he loves me everyday on multiple occasions, but for him to just see that I needed his shoulder even for a minute meant the world. Even though I still feel weak, it gave me a little of my strength back. I've decided that its okay for me to be down about all of this. If I ignore it, then I will become even more depressed. I need to be more open about how I'm truly feeling.
Then yesterday a dear friend called me. I broke down on the phone when I told him that I hate talking to people anymore because the first thing they ask is how I'm feeling and I'm tired of telling people I'm fine. I'm not fine. I feel broken and weak. I'm tired of fighting. Most of my friends know I hate crying. As I child I always cried, I was known as the cry baby of my family and over time it made me shut down the tears in front of people. I don't want to cry to people about what I'm dealing with. I also told him that I don't want to talk to my friends about it because none of them live close. Its not like they can do anything to help. No one can be here with me and even if they were its not like they can fix it. So then I feel like I'm making my friends feel bad or guilty and I don't want them to feel that way towards me.
Out of everything I have dealt with in my life, this is the thing that has broken me down. This syndrome doesn't just affect your physical abilities but your mental as well. Its difficult to put into words how it screws with your head, with your emotions, with your mental state. It felt good to cry to my friend. Last week I was brutally honest with my husband about how I'm feeling and then to tell a friend the same yesterday, its like weight has been taken off my shoulders. To be so raw and open-hearted. When I was saying everything, I felt like a horrible human being. I couldn't believe how harsh my feelings were towards this whole situation and to the people around me, but to be able to voice those feelings out loud felt amazing. My own version of standing on a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs.
Of course I was terrified at how they would react, but they surprised me. My husband said, "I'm sorry you are so miserable, but you are the strongest person I know. You are not weak." My friend said, "You are not broken. You are a great mom. Your husband loves you. You are good." So for me, no more "I'm fine" if I'm not. Its time for me to stop lying to myself. I'm suffering on multiple levels, and that's okay. I have a great support system and I will get through this. So maybe that's my good? Maybe me realizing that I am not superwoman, supermom, superwife, superfriend. I'm me. I'm human. I have my good days, I honestly do, they just aren't around right now. I'm having a bad time and that's okay by me. I'm getting myself back on track day by day. This week alone I've scrubbed my kitchen, meal planned for two weeks, couponed and then shopped for groceries. I cleaned my dining room and picked up my living room. I know this sounds like something that should be so easy, but its not. These are great accomplishments for me. I have about 2 weeks worth of laundry and I'm getting it at least cleaned. No its not folded or hung up but the clothes are getting cleaned. Baby steps.
The song that I picked today is perfect to how I feel.
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