"Freak Like Me"~Halestorm

It has been a crazy weekend, but I set my goals and I accomplished them.  Well most of them.  Our drill broke so I'm going to have to wait on the new blinds going up, but the rest is done.  I completely cleared out my office, got it repainted and reorganized.  Its set up so the kids can get in there to play on the computers, play games, do crafts and its a great distraction-free zone for Seth to do his homework. 
This week I want to get my hallway finished and stairwell and then I'll be done with the top portion of my house.  Then onto the next level which is the beast of the house.  Its a great room w/ cathedral ceilings...definitely going to have to call in help for that since I am not a fan of ladders anymore and I can't look up for long periods of time.
I'm also excited because I found a bunch of exercises that I can work on here at home so that I can start a new workout routine that won't throw me off too much.  I've tried  a few of them with ease.  I've noticed if I do the exercises in bare feet works better because I can adjust my balance better than when I'm in shoes.  
I look back at old posts and realize that I've come leaps and bounds from where I started almost one year ago.  Its been a constant uphill climb figuring out how to move forward with this.  I gave up on so much last year, and I want it back.  One step at a time I've been able to to do this.  I've had a ton of encouragement from everyone who surrounds me which helps.  Am I all the way back to where I was, of course not, but I'm getting there.  My good days are my favorite because I feel like I can do so much, like this weekend.  I went to bed last night with every muscle in my body hurting from working in the office, but it was a good hurt and I loved it.  
I woke in the middle of the night from pressure from the current storm coming in, but I've still gotten up this morning.  I've worked on some computer things, and now I'm off to start working on getting the hallway done.  I'm working through the pressure because I'm determined to get this done.  So I'll paint slower, I'll have to take breaks, but it will be done and I'll feel so much better. 
Taking one day at a time, looking around my home and feeling like I'm accomplishing something.  It is the best thing in the world. 

"No More Tears"~Ozzy Osbourne

Cleaning and Ozzy? Yes, please.  Nothing beats older rock music when you are cleaning.  I've been on a mission to spring clean my entire house.  Its taking time which I expected as does anything I do nowadays, but its getting done.  I've gotten our office organized, cleared out our main closet and emptied out old meds from the cabinet.  I determined to get rid of stuff that we no longer need/use.  We don't have a lot of storage space, so what we have, I'm bound to use wisely.
We bought our house 5 years ago.  Closed on it a week after Lily was born.  I wanted this neighborhood because this is where my grandfather lives and its a very quiet area.  We are in a neighborhood where you get to know the people who are around you.  We knew it would need some cosmetic work, so we've been working little by little to paint rooms, remove carpets, lay down new flooring, etc. while being on a budget.  It has been slow going, but we are doing it.  I'm finally starting to have a few good days of low symptoms so I'm hoping to get painting some this weekend.  My goal is to get our office and upstairs hallway painted.  I want to get new curtains for the office and my daughter's room, and then we'll be done with up stairs for now.  I also want to get my stairwells painted.  That's going to be fun let me tell ya!  Throwing a girl on a constant boat to paint back & forth while on steps.  Once we finish our living/dining room area I can get rid of my ugly carpet and have hardwood floors all throughout my house and that I'm excited about.
When you have to work around the good & bad days, it makes housework that much more daunting.  I like cleaning and having everything in its place.  Since I was diagnosed I get anxious when things aren't where they should be.  I've decided my best bet is to tackle my house in sections, so I'm going to finish my upstairs which is the kids area and office.  Then the main living space and then the lower level which is becoming the master suite is going to take the longest, so that will be last. These projects are on top of my normal housework and having three kids running around a daily basis is going to make it that much more fun to do.
On my good days like today where I'm pushing through and feeling good, I feel better about the tasks as hand and its going to feel good when the rooms start coming together more.  This is the part I like of owning my own home.  
Well back off to work.  Here comes "Crazy Train."

"Sexy Back"~Justin Timberlake

What a gorgeous friggin day!  I woke up and felt my "normal"!!! Can I just say how excited I am to be able to move around my house fairly normally.  This is amazing!  After almost 6 full days of getting my butt kicked, I am good!  
So what to do on a gorgeous day like this?  Well I go grocery shopping of course!  I went today because of some good deals and ended up saving almost 75% on groceries.  Heck yea!  And that's with a 5 year old asking questions and a 2 year old deciding that everything you put in the cart should then be thrown at your head.  
Got home, put everything away and now my daughter is outside playing while my niece is napping, going on 3 hours nap.  I've been able to get laundry done and started working on my kitchen and dining rooms.  
I have so much energy its crazy.  I feel like my hyper, giddy self...so watch out! haha
Helps that outside its gorgeous and every time I look out to check on my daughter all you see is sunshine.  A beautiful spring breeze moving all of the trees.  Its beautiful.  
I feel good inside and out today and that is a definite plus from how I've been feeling.  I have to push through those horrible bad days to be able to enjoy days like today.  I'm all smiles.  I'm laughing.  I'm taking things easy.  I'm shaking it around my house to JT, and life is amazing :-)

"Song to Sing"~Hanson

So today's going to be short and sweet.  I started this list for my sister-in-law.  A playlist of songs to make you feel better about you.  A way for you to feel good about you and your life. 
Like me, she suffers from a chronic issue.  She has RSD, which basically in layman's terms, her legs feel like they are on fire constantly.  It causes extreme pain that even the slightest touch is excruciating.  No cure for it, you just have to deal with it.  There are meds you hate to take for it that you don't want to take, and again they are all pain meds so it only takes care of the symptoms, but brings on more symptoms in return.  It can be depressing just like MdDS, because you basically feel trapped in a body you just don't want anymore.  It can take over your life if you let it.  But, we aren't going to let that happen.  We are going to be as positive we can.
I made this playlist for her so she can get in a positive state of mind, but I thought I would share it.  Some of the songs are about being positive, some are about pushing through obstacles we have to face on a daily basis.  They work for me, and there are a ton that I listen to, but here are my top 10:

1.  Anna Nalick-Shine

2.  Bon Jovi-It's My Life

3.  Bob Marley-Three Little Birds

4.  Sister Hazel-Change Your Mind (I've posted this one before, but its a goodie)

    5. U2-Beautiful Day

6.  Francesca Battistelli-I'm Letting Go

7.  Idina Menzel & Christina Chenowith w/ the cast of Wicked-Defying Gravity

8.  Dave Matthews Band-Mercy

9.  Garth Brooks-Standing Outside The Fire

10.  David Guetta ft. Sia-Titanium

**All rights reserved on all videos**

"Higher Ground"~Red Hot Chili Peppers

While talking to my buddy the other day, I realized he's coming up on it one year wedding anniversary, which means I'm coming up on my one year of having MdDS.  I found a note I made on Facebook about a week or so after I was diagnosed.  I had completely forgotten how bad that week had been.  I would have thought that I would never forget, but even as bad as my bad days get, they aren't comparable to that first week or so.  
Looking back at my very first post I had here, it shows how far I've come.  No, I'm still not working, or driving, but I am able to move freely around my home.  I walk to get my son to and from school, I cook on my better days, I can take care of my kids, and I've mastered most household chores.  I've learned my limits.  I don't push myself too hard.  
Yes I still struggle.  Just yesterday I took a normal shower.  Not too long, just enough to get and get out and I felt like someone beat the heck out of me.  Something that I enjoy, taken away, but you learn to live with it. 
I hate having to push through everything.  I want it to come naturally again.  I want to be able to get up without having to think where my feet are and where they are going.  I hate having to watch for the unknown.  Its hard to explain, but I have to focus literally on everything.  Where I am, where others are, where objects are and how everything moves.  It is almost like you are in your own chess game.  If you make this move then what happens next.  Its exhausting.  But you do it, because you have to survive.  
I just want a day, just one.  One day of a real normal.  To be able to get in my car, roll down the windows and drive down the interstate with music blaring.  To drive to the beach and board with my brother.  To go shopping with my sister without any anxiety.  To ride a roller coaster with my mom.  To go on a trip just me and my husband back to the mountains without any repercussions.   To push my daughter and niece on a swing without feeling dizzy.  To teach my kids to swim as I was taught.  To just be me and who I've always been.  
I'm better than I was, but I still have a journey to continue.  I'm still working that uphill climb, but one day I'll get to the top.

"Stolen"~Dashboard Confessional

At first I wasn't going to write, I know its been awhile, but the last few days have been killing me.  Its been a very frustrating few days.  I've been taking it as easy as possible.  Resting as much as possible.  I've slept most of the day away today trying to get back to my sense of "normal."  
Yesterday I woke up feeling like I was being stabbed in my ears with an ice pick.  The pain had been so unbearable that it actually woke me from my sleep.  No amount of my regular pain meds helped,  I even laid on top of my heat blanket, only because I was told putting a heat pad on your ears tends to help with ear pain.  It gave some relief, that and my husband rubbing my head.  I was able to get out for Lily's Girl Scout event and lunch.  We got home and I just laid out for the rest of the day.  
I was hoping that once the storm system came through that I would feel better, but today was worse than yesterday.  I haven't moved.  I have just rested all day.  I kept up on my meds, and as long I took them the head pressure and anxiety was low, but the movement was really bad when I got up to move anywhere.  Days like this the best place for me to be is down, so I've laid down all day.  Its going on 11pm now and I'm still not feeling right.  
I hate writing about days like this because its discouraging, but this is why I do write.  This is why I started this, so you get the views of the good and bad.  Going from a few weeks of very little symptoms, to days where I can't move.  It makes it difficult for people to understand exactly what this does to me.  They see me and my brave face.  The only one who sees me this down is my husband and kids.  People see my better days, so they sometimes forget that I'm not 100% okay.  I just have learned to work through it.  I still try not to get down about it.  I just find things to keep my mind busy.  I spent all day yesterday with earbuds in my ears listening to music, and watching movies.  Today has been the same of music, movies and sleep.  
My kids don't understand, but they try.  Yesterday my boy helped me walk down the stairs and today my girl came to me today just to lay with me for five minutes while I rested which was nice.  She just crawled in, threw her arms over me and said she loved me.  Best moment of my day.  Best medicine in the world. 

"Call Me Maybe"~Carly Ray Jepson

My mom helped me out with today's blog again too.   I was originally going to write about something completely different, but when I woke this morning she had sent a message about another good way music helps you.  A little background info....My mom works for a local hospital as a medical coder.  They receive emails regarding health issues, new studies regarding medical care, etc.  This email came to her this morning:

"It turns out that singing releases pent-up emotions, boosts relaxation, and reminds us of happy times, all of which help when stress  and blood pressure spike.  Oxytocin, the same hormone that bonds mothers to new babies and that makes you and your partner feel extra close, also surges after you croon a tune--whether it's in the shower or singing along with the radio while driving in the car.  UC Berkely reports that there is evidence of improved breathing, a stronger immune system and even anti-aging effects, all from nothing more than just belting out a tune or two.  

This week, pick your favorite tune and share it with the world--or maybe just the shampoo bottle--and reap the benefits of a positive boost to your health while having a really good time!" 

So I'm choosing a song that every girl from 2-55 in my family sings to the top of our lungs when we are in the car.  Saying my 2 year old niece is addicted to this song is an understatement.  She encourages everyone to sing and dance to it, and if you don't, well be prepared for her to tap you on your leg over and over telling you to sing the song.  
 Its fun to sing as loud as you can.  I always say, I can't sing, but I sure act like I do.  I can't carry a tune to save my life, but its fun to just drive down a road with the windows down singing fun songs.  Its even better when its songs that people wouldn't expect to hear, like blaring the Spice Girls, or Wham! or my sister and I love Tal Bachman's "She's So High" (it has that high note that we can't reach, but we certainly try to).  Sing loud, look around, you'll see people laughing at you, maybe even joining you,   Have fun with it.  
Hey, add some sweet arm dance moves, get it all out.  My sister is a beast at air bongo drums, my mom does a semi-mash potato move, I can throw out a mean sprinkler or even a cabbage patch, and our girls throw up some mean spirit fingers while they are buckled in their seats.  We look all kinds of crazy when we pull up to a stop light, but we are having fun, and that's what matters.  
It's one of those moments that you can care less about what the people next to you think.  You are free to be you.  And if you aren't ready to sing loud in the car, go for it in the shower!  The acoustics are better anyway.  Happy Monday!

 

"Change Your Mind"~Sister Hazel

Thanks mom for the song for today.  Mom and I are Hazelnuts, and this is one of our favorite songs.  
If you've never heard this song, well you need to.  It's pretty much saying that if you don't like where your life is going, change it, fix it, make it your own.  There have been so many times in my life that I've listened to this song.  Its the epitome of positivity.  Hearing this song live is so much better, but I'll take the CD version as well.

With MdDS, or any chronic disorder/illness, there is so much that you have no control over.  You get days where you feel completely overwhelmed by what your brain is doing to your body.  It gets frustrating and depressing and really really annoying.  To top it of you have normal life stuff that tries to destroy you.  It gets to be too much sometimes.
What do you do?
Change your mind....
Take control of the things that are yours to own.  
Don't like your body, exercise.  With MdDS this can be tricky, but I've found that walking, even if its all over the place, that I feel really good.  I'm not a yoga person, but some MdDSers live by it, that and Tai Chi.  I do barre work that I remembered from ballet class to work on balance.  Not only does getting up and moving make your body feel better, but makes you feel like you've accomplished something.
Don't like the people surrounding you, get rid of them.  Now this may not be so easy with family.  Like momma always says, you can pick your friends, but family's for life.  So, get rid of the friends who aren't helpful.  What does it matter that you only have a handful left it in the end, that handful will be the best friends that you need.  Work really hard at those friendships, you need them as much as they need you.  As far as family goes, no you can't get rid of them, but you can stand your ground.  For me this was the hardest because I'm not a confrontational person.  I had to stand up and say, this is now who I am, if you can't handle it then please keep your comments to yourself....Okay, so maybe I wasn't that harsh, but you get the idea.  Re-connect with old friends, join a fun group that interests you. 
Don't like your diet, spice it up.  So with MdDS comes the challenges of the kitchen.  As I've talked about before, the kitchen can be a nightmare for most of us.  I've come up with a really awesome plan.  First of all I coupon.  With couponing I have a stockpile.  Not like on the show, I'm not a hoarder.  I have one large bookcase that has food on it.  I also have a deep freezer and my regular fridge.  I search for recipes that are really easy.  You know, the ones that are like 5 ingredients.  Stuff like, marinade and then throw in a pan, or crock pot!  I love my crock pot!  If you aren't like me and can't cook most of the week, the on your good days make a bunch of meals and freeze them.  If the idea is daunting to you, gather up said awesome friends or family members you love and have a cooking party.  Have them help with cutting or prep work.  
Don't like your surroundings, change them.  I'm not talking about up and moving, well unless you have that luxury.  What I'm talking about it adjusting the surroundings.  Paint a room, change pictures in your picture frames, get some help to move around furniture.  Go shopping at thrift stores, antique shops or yard sales to find a new unique piece to put in your living room.  Start a small project in your yard.  Add flowers or plants to your areas, bring life to the space.   
Feel stuck where you are?  Find a hobby or volunteer.  Again I coupon, but I also blog, research recipes and fun ideas to do with my kids.  I find new music to help not only blog, but to help me day to day.  
The point is make it different.  Bring new positivity into your life.  This life can be hard on everyone from time to time, but its how you conquer the day.  Life isn't about the day you were born, or the day you pass away, its about that line in between and what you've done with it. 

"Hot in Here"~Nelly

Two days in a row of temps in the 80's...yes please!  I'm loving this hot weather.  I'm such a summer baby.  I've had my windows open getting all of the stall winter air out of my house.  Going outside watching the kids play while I just enjoy this weather is a perfect time for me.  
I sat outside yesterday for about 30 minutes and it felt awesome.  I didn't want to stay out too long because I didn't want to get burnt, but it was so relaxing.  I laid in the grass with my little girl and we listened to music and took a bunch of pictures. 
This time of year is a good time to check all of the necessities for spring and summer.  The first real week of spring weather is my time to clear out the cabinet and restock my sunscreen and after sun lotions. I need to get my small travel bottles to put in my bags.  I need to find my hats and sunglasses.
Time to stock up on Gatorade and bottles of water for playtime.  
Even for someone with MdDS, you have to stay hydrated, but the MdDS tends to make those symptoms worse.  Yesterday alone I ended up downing more water than I have in a week.  It felt like everytime I turned around I was refilling my cup.  When I get dehydrated, my dizziness gets much worse and so do my headaches.  I've made a conscious effort to make sure to keep drinking, even if I don't feel thirsty.  
As long as the days are nice, I plan on trying to get outside for just a few minutes to enjoy the sunshine and even start walking more to work on my balance and concentration.  I'm going to make the most of this good weather.  

"This Is War"~30 Seconds to Mars

MdDS medications are no fun.  I've decided.  Its just not worth it at this point.  I've tried a hand full of my own, and hated every minute of taking them.  When you take them, you may get some relief of the symptoms, but once the side effects just aren't worth it.  
Every day there are tons of posts in the support groups about the meds we are given.  The side effects to most of them are so crazy that if I haven't already tried it, then I'm going to. There are meds that I've heard of through these groups, that when I approached my doctor about them, he said he wouldn't even try it because he knows that it would be bad for me.  It doesn't help me that my system does accept meds well anyway, but it gets pretty bad with certain drugs.  
So, this is where we are stuck.  You rock, sway, shift.  Almost the feeling of being drunk.  You feel sick, and some days, the nausea is worse than any morning sickness I've ever had with either of my two pregnancies.  You can't concentrate.  Its like having ADD or Alzheimers, you forget things very easily.  When you walk, its like one minute your leg is there, the next its gone.   You can't walk straight, unless, for me I've learned to concentrate really hard and can master this if all I think about is walking.  You are exhausted, but you battle insomnia, which of course makes the symptoms worse.  And lets not even get into ear pressure or headaches, they will literally blow your mind.  
The problem with most of the medications is that it takes away one or some of the symptoms, but makes the other symptoms worse or brings on new ones.  So what do you do?  Pick the one that is the worst?  For me the insomnia is killer, the nausea, the headaches.  I can't take sleep aids, they make me groggy in the morning, so I stumble more.   TI take Meclizine for the nausea, but it doesn't touch the really bad days, only Phenergan does and it knocks me out, which again, groggy when I wake.  I've also tried natural remedies thinking, no side effects, so I've tried stuff like different ways to eat, drink, smash ginger, etc.  Same with the headaches.  
What's a girl/guy to do?
Well for me, I only take my meds when I absolutely have to, for instance, bad nausea days I will make sure I take my Meclizine the day of and a couple days after.  For the insomnia, even if I'm not sleeping, I'm resting.  I take it easy.  I try not to push too hard if it is at all possible.  It doesn't replace sleep, but it helps a little.   I drink lots of water.  This seems to help keep my head clear and I don't feel like I'm dragging.  
I did do vestibular rehab for a little bit.  Even though it didn't take symptoms away, it helped me learn how to walk somewhat normal, it strengthened my relflexes for when I would start to fall.  A lot of the exercises did not work for me, but they did help a little bit, and at this point I'll take a little bit any day.
My point to all this?  This is how frustrating MdDS can be.  You not only have to deal with the symptoms of it all, but the meds as well, the exercises.  You are a perpetual guinea pig for doctors and researchers because this all is so unknown.  But if being a guinea pig, is what must be done to come up with answers, than by all means, bring it on!  One day, I hope that something breaks a door down and we can treat this properly, without adding more issues to the already existing ones.  Some one had to be a guinea pig for cancer to figure out that chemo works.  Someone had to test out pain meds to find out that the pain goes away.  Someone had to try out birth control to see if it actually worked (glad I wasn't part of that group, but thank you ladies for what you did...haha).  I was part of a research group that tried Imitrex on minors with migraines because at the time there wasn't a med available for children who suffered...there is now.  
I'll do what needs to be done to try and get rid of MdDS for good.  I'll keep working on my exercises.  If doc wants to try something new, I will try it.  If it doesn't work, I'll stop.  I try not to get my hopes up anymore when he does suggest something, but that's hard sometimes.  I'm at least fortunate that I have a doctor in my area that knows what MdDS is, and that says a lot for me.
Its a battle that we will continue to fight.  A war again MdDS.  The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

   

"Sound of Music"~Julie Andrews from 'Sound of Music' soundtrack

I've been on a roll with posting.  The being up late at night has helped with that, it gives me something to do. 
I had a request of what my playlist looks like and what items I use to listen to my music.  As you all know, music is a huge part of me.  With my MdDS it gives me something else to focus on besides the floor moving and shifting.  It also helps with anxiety in large crowds of people.  It keeps me calm.
 So here we go:

So first, the equipment I use.  So I have my cell phone, mine is a Droid HTC One VX, my Nook Tablet from Barnes and Noble, and my computer.  The one pictured is the newest addition to our family, but I have another that is hooked to our tv so I can enlarge print while working online and writing.  I can also play music through the tv. 
I also use ear buddies that fit inside the ear.  I have looked everywhere for different ear pieces that work for me.  This was the hardest because my ears are sensitive with the MdDS.  We do have a set of large noise cancelling headphones that I love (not pictured).  They are made by Sony and are very comfortable, but they are not very portable.  I had the earbuds that I come with the IPhone, but they are hard, and only sit right inside the ear.  The way the vibrations came through bothered my inner ear.  These earbuds fit inside the ear canal.  The ear pieces are soft and can be replaced easily if need be.  I actually have two different sizes on mine because of the comfort aspects of how they fit in my ears. 
I use Rhapsody for music.  I use Pandora if I'm home or somewhere with free wifi, but I don't like using up my data plan for it.  I pay a monthly fee and have unlimited downloads of music.  This is one of the few items that we pay for each month that is not a household bill, but we keep it because it helps keep me sane! haha.  With Rhapsody I make playlists that I can download onto my Nook and can listen to it without using any wifi.  This helps in places like at the hockey games, when we go to Busch Gardens, etc.  Also with Rhapsody i have access to my entire library on each device.

Which leads me to my current music choices.  As you've noticed with my titles I have an eclectic taste in music, so here we go, in no particular order:
1. "Watch Over Me"~Hanson
2. "Cruise (remix)"~Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly
3.  "Locked Out of Heaven"~Bruno Mars
4.  "Same Love"~Macklemore ft. Mary Lambert
5.  "Thrift Shop"~Macklemore ft. Wanz
6.  "Your Touch"~Blake Lewis
7.  "Trouble's Gonna Go"~Skye Zentz
8.  "Titanium"~David Guetta ft. Sia
9.  "I Knew You Were Trouble"~Taylor Swift
10. "She's Country"~Jason Aldean
11.  "Sweet Thing"~Keith Urban
12. "Closer"~Tegan and Sara
13. "This Is War"~30 Seconds to Mars
14. "Hold On"~Alabama Shakes
15. "Airplanes"~B.O.B. ft. Eminem & Hayley Williams
16.  "Rope"~Foo Fighters
17.  "Stubborn Love"~The Lumineers
18.  "Learning to Breathe"~Switchfoot
19.  "Blown Away"~Carrie Underwood
20.  "Remind Me"~Brad Paisley duet w/ Carrie Underwood

My playlist tends to change daily, but these are the songs that are on repeat right now.  My playlist is actually a lot longer, but I figured I'd stop at 20 songs. 
My music is with me everywhere I go.  Its kind of like my invisible cloak.  It helps me to concentrate on the necessary details of life, like walking straight, staying calm, and moving forward. 

"Don't You Forget About Me"~Simple Minds

This post is inspired by a young woman who I've known since she was 2.  I used to babysit her and now she takes care of my kids.  Lately she has posted a few things up on her facebook that make me so proud.  Lessons that it took me awhile to learn, she has seemed to learn them her junior and senior year of high school.  As a young woman in today's society, she has a good head on her shoulders.  She is so intelligent.  She may make mistakes her and there, but that's allowed as you grow.  She's had her heartbroken, not only by boys, but my friends as well.  She doesn't let this break her though, she becomes stronger.  She accepts herself for who she is, for who God made her to be.  
As a teen you have your insecurities, and in today's world we unfortunately have bullies in this world who want to put you down and make those insecurities worse.  They make you feel worse.  But does she let this get her down, no she doesn't.  She retaliates by posting a handwritten letter of how she won't let anyone affect her judgement of her own self worth.  Amazing.
She's had to learn already that there are people in this world that are here for the here-and-now, some will hang around for a little bit of time, and then there are those who are there for a lifetime.  She has her family, her extended family, and has a few of those lifetime friends.  She has an inner strength so strong.  I can't wait to see what she does with her future.

Friendships that you gain help you move through life each day. I learned how precious those relationships are when I hit college. It has been 16 years since I started high school.  During that time I had a lot of the here-and-now, the few that last awhile and a handful that have been around for the lifetime.   But what has been interesting is that some of those awhile-friends have come back into my life.  I've been able to reconnect, heal, move forward.  Some relationships have been ones that I really missed having in my life.  
I've learned that friendships are hard work just like any relationship.  Some of them you can't move on until you open old wounds.  You find that somethings were misunderstood, somethings were helpful, somethings were hurtful, yet you can heal and move forward.  You find support in those you didn't think you would.  They need time, nurturing, care.  
I've had some emotional conversations with some old friends.  Peeling back old layers to make new foundations.  You realize that if you really want the friendship, you will take that time.  You come back more honest, truthful, and trust that if your heart is in the right place and theirs is too then you can rebuild.

My heart has expanded these last few weeks.  To be so completely honest with a lot of different conversations.  Knowing that I don't have to hide, I can be just me.  If I'm not accepted that's okay, I have those lifetime friends.  But if I gain another lifer, well more power to me.  :-)    

"Livin' On The Edge"~Aerosmith

I think I'm a glutton for punishment.  My kids have been asking for a sleepover with their cousins.  I finally gave in and gave the okay for it.  I decided to have them all over at one time.  Tonight we'll have my two and three other cousins.  I figure though that I survived the other day, that a night won't be so bad.  I can handle it.  We'll have three boys under the age of 9 and two girls at age 5.  They definitely will keep each other busy that's for sure.  For one of the cousins, it will be his first sleepover.  He's 5 as well.  This should definitely be interesting.  Pizza for dinner it is.  My husband informed me that he'll see me tomorrow as he left for work this morning.  
So my biggest concern is the weather.  Its been rainy, actually it was icy yesterday (I know, where the heck is spring!)  Me and weather like this don't mix, but I've kept up my meds (which I hate, but you do what you have to do). 
It is definitely going to be interesting to see how everything goes.  I have a feeling that the insomnia that I've been dealing with might actually come in handy tonight.  
__
In other news....
I've been reading a lot of articles on MdDS.  There aren't that many, but they are out there.  I've come to the conclusion that this disorder is baffling on so many different levels. 
First of all, let me just say, I get so ticked when I read the headline "Person suffers from chronic 'seasickness'"  Its not seasickness! Just because most get this disorder from being on a cruise or boat, its not the only way.  After meeting people and talking with people, so many of us have come by this disorder in so many ways.  I personally was diagnosed after a car trip through mountains.  
Its not vertigo!  Yes, as far as the medical field goes, when they use coding for billing they have codes under vertigo. Vertigo is an umbrella diagnosis, MdDS falls under that umbrella.  
Symptoms for MdDS vary for just about every patient with the common ground of a rocking bobbing sensation, like you are on a boat.  It affects balance, coordination, and even concentration.  For me personally, my symptoms change almost daily.  You adjust to these symptoms.  You find your limits.  
I understand that when the news media reports on MdDS, they try to simplify it.  You can't.  Its not simple.  If it was simple, we would understand what exactly starts it, how to prevent it and how to fix it.  The news tries to understand it the best they can, just like anyone who doesn't have the disorder.  Don't get me wrong, I love that word is getting out.  It needs to be.  Its just sometimes when I'm reading the articles, I feel like the last line the author wants to right, "so that's it, this person just needs to get off the boat."
The more research that I do on the disorder, I'm finding that there are few doctors who have even heard of it, which is sad.  But even those doctors have different ways of going about treating it.  As I've said before, I hate meds.  I don't like taking them at all, and only do so when I absolutely have to.  I refuse to take any meds that are anti-depressants, because they alter my personality, and my personality is crazy enough as it is.  I'm not judging those who do, it works for you and that's so awesome, but I just can't do it.  My doc and I are stuck with what to do at this point, so I work on some different coordination exercises, and push for ways to figure out how to work around the symptoms.  
I rock.  And by that, I mean literally, I rock.  It makes me feel better.  I rock in chairs that don't.  I stand up and shift back and forth.  My family and friends have gotten used to it.  If it gets really bad they'll stop me.  What throws me off is when people start rocking with me.  
Its baffling, and I hope that one day we can find out what is the root cause of it all.  If we can get to that point then maybe we can figure out why we all have different symptoms, how to prevent it, and how to fix the problem.   

"Cruise (Remix)"~Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly

So first, the song has nothing to do with the post, but i love this remix, so there. :-)  Second, I had to change the format again to the blog.   If it causes visual issues for anyone please let me know, I did okay with it, but I also do better with reading now.
AND THIRD......
I'm still alive this morning~WOO HOO! GOOOO ME!  At one point yesterday I had in my house my two kids, my niece, two cousins and three neighborhood kids.  Three 5 year olds, one 2 year old, a 7 and 8 year old, and two teens.  WOOO!
Honestly, it wasn't bad.  The kids mainly played outside all day.  Thank goodness for good weather.  We had a few minutes of where the noise level broke barriers, but it was under control.  I was even able to get Kiwi down for her nap for 2 whole hours!  
I thought I would be nice and take everyone for Slurpees at 7-11.  There is a store that is walking distance.  Everyone got a buddy and we walked together as a big crew.  It was a lot of fun.  We also had a good laugh at my expense.  As we walked out of store (so far only two kids out), a man was walking up with his daughter, I apologized that we were taking a few minutes to get out the door.  Our conversation went like this:
Me:  Sorry, I've got a crew with me. (the rest start flowing out the door)
Him:  Oh wow.  You do have a crew.  Are they ALL yours? Because you look good for that many!
Me:  Ummmmm, uhhhh.  No they aren't mine! HA!
My teenage cousin thought this whole situation was hysterical.  I'm sitting there thinking WTH man!  The teens are almost half my age.  There were at least four different races of kids.  Not to mention the three 5 year olds are only months apart in age.  Ok, so either I get around A LOT!  Or I decided to adopt the neighborhood....where's the child support?!  HA!  I got a great laugh out of it, and so did the teens and parents of the kids that I had.  I called my mom because it was so funny.  She said that that's how her mom used to be with them & their friends, and I remember my mom adopting many a cheerleader, and friend from school.  Everyone called her mom, heck they still do. 
By 6:30 everyone was picked up.  I didn't lose a shoe or coat or kid.  I still got dinner on the table by a reasonable hour.  
The unfortunate side, I thought running after everyone I would be able to sleep, but alas a low pressure system started coming in late at night which triggered a bout of insomnia.  The weird thing though is that I don't really feel it this morning.  I have a headache still from the system and my ears feel like they may explode, but other than that I'm doing pretty good with it.  May need to take a nap with my girl Kiwi this afternoon.  
Now, excuse me while I go listen to my new favorite song...

"My windows down, my seats back, my music up and we ride,
Her legs up on my dashboard, and that's just the way I like
Hey country girl this country boy likes everything about 'cha
Don't change a thing, no way, you stay the same, I gotcha
I like all that, all that, head to toe you all that
Tell old boy he can call back, send a text say fall back
Cause I can see you got a thing for the fast life,
So come on shorty let me show what the fast like"
~Cruise Remix ft. Nelly~Florida Georgia Line

"Kings and Queens"~30 Seconds to Mars

It is spring break around here in good ol' Hampton Roads.  All the kids in public school are out for the week.  This has brought on new challenges that I wasn't quiet ready for, but I'm pushing through the week.
Here's the challenge.  On a Monday or Tuesday, it is just me and Bug once Bubba is off to school.  Wednesday thru Friday, I add on Kiwi, my niece.  Throughout the week I might add a kid or two before and/or after school depending on who needs me to grab kids after school or send them off to school.  This is not a challenge for me.  I've gotten used to this routine.  
My son is old enough to get himself ready for school.  He knows how to get himself drinks and breakfast.  I help with the packing of lunch, but most days he buys.  My daughter can handle somethings on her own.  She's always been very independent and taught herself how to do a lot of things on her own because she hated asking for help.  Kiwi is 2, so she needs help which I am happy to give her.
So a normal week and I'm good to go...Spring break is a different story.
For instance, today I have my kids and Kiwi, plus two more cousins.  One of the cousins turns 14 this week, so he's actually considered extra hands, not so much me babysitting.  I just have to keep him alive and fed until his dad gets off work.  Haha.  
Dilemma, lots of kids means lots of running around and loud noise.  Good thing my entire upstairs is pretty much free rein for kids to play.  Two large rooms full of all kinds of toys to keep little people busy.  Also i have well over 100 movies for them to watch if the noise gets to be too much.  I'll just throw them all on the couch and make them sit.
Dilemma, can't drive.  And the closest park that my kids like to go to has been fenced off because they are working to replace all of the transfer power lines in our neighborhood.  Unfortunately a large set of lines go right by the park, so they fenced off the area.  We have a fairly quiet neighborhood for the kids to go outside to play, however, we have no sidewalks, so no riding bikes safely.  My kids have been here for the last two days, so they have become bored with sidewalk chalk, jump ropes and balls.  So....Pinterest here I come!  haha.  Time to find fun ideas to do with the kids.  
The helpful thing is that I do have the older cousin who doesn't mind hanging with 8 & 9 year olds.  He's willing to sit and play Pokemon cards, or take them out on his skateboard and let them coast.  Nap time for Kiwi might be a challenge getting everyone to chill out, but I think we can handle it.  I got this!
So its, 8:30 in the morning.  Two of the cousins have made it.  I have my two kids, and I'm waiting on the arrival of my little niece.  Fingers and toes are crossed.  Lots of prayers.  And if I survive, I'll be glad to write again soon.  

"It's Time"~Imagine Dragons

This weekend has gone by very quickly and so much has happened.  My baby girl turned 5, so we celebrated all day together as a family.  Seth's spring break started and shockingly my husband was able to get the day off from work.  We had my niece with us, so we all traveled together to go to Build A Bear (Lily received a gift certificate as a present for being the flower girl for my bestie's wedding).  We also hit up Barnes & Noble to get two books that Lily had been asking for.  Then while the hubby was switching out games at game stop with Seth, the girls and I headed to Bath & Body Works with my freebie coupon (love those things!).  Afterward we headed to Chuck E. Cheese.  Now, ever since being diagnosed with MdDS, being in big crowds (especially where a ton of kids are involved) and flashing lights and noises, I don't handle them so well.  So, hubby took all three kids around to play and when the toddler area cleared out, I was able to take my niece over to play so he could take the big kids to the bigger games.  We came home to a dinner of chicken nuggets, shells & cheese, strawberries and broccolli (Lily picked it out herself).  All-in-all a really good night.
Saturday came and went with a few errands to run and also to a hockey game.  Unfortunately a low pressure system started coming through about half way through the first period and I started to not feel great.  By the end of second period, we left.  The mix of the system and the large crowd, the loud noise and trying to concentrate on a small puck flying around a rink, just wasn't a good for me.
Sunday was Easter, and I was nervous.  I still had some residual yucky feelings, but I pulled through.  I refuse to let the MdDS controll my day-to-day, so if that means that I have to sit on a floor or a couch the entire time with my family, then so be it.  The good thing?  There were toddlers EVERYWHERE! And I was stuck on the floor with all of them!! I was so in my element!  If you know me, you know I love kids.  The toddler age is my favorite.  There are like little sponges and they are so funny.  I had a blast even though I wasn't 100%. 
We headed to my in-laws who have the most comfortable couch....side note...this couch is like a sleep trap!  If I'm not really careful and don't move every few minutes, I almost always crash on this couch.  I love it.  I didn't fall asleep on Sunday because I was catching up with my father-in-law and mother-in-law.  By the time we left there, I was definitely feeling some symptoms.  My hubby got me and the kids home safely, he tucked the kids into bed, and then made sure everything was good for me. 
Today I'm feeling so much better.   I pushed myself a little too much I think, but I got a lot done with the house that I had been slacking on for the past few weeks. 
On another note, at the end of last week I received a card.  At first I thought it was for Lily, but it was for me.  And it was a "Just thinking about you" card.  First off, I haven't received a card like this since I was in college.  It was awesome to get an actual card from someone I love dearly.  I call her my other momma.  She came into my life when I was in high school, and over time I've come to lean on her, depend on her, trust her.  I hadn't spoken with her in awhile and for her to send me that note, it just filled my heart.  To be honest, it has never crossed my mind to send anyone a note like that, but I think I'm going to put out a bigger effort.  I love to write.  I love to bring smiles to people.  What better way than with a note or a card, just to say hi? 
My new challenge....send a card out to someone each week.  I feel that it is very important to show those people in your life that are still around that you care.  With technology the way it is today, its so easy to just send a quick text or e-mail, plaster something on Twitter or Facebook, but an actual handwritten note is so much nicer.  Yes, this will be my new challenge.  It starts today.