So I'm going to lay this all out. I know that I'm not the only one who has these troubles. I know most married couples do, however, with MdDS it makes it so much worse. I swear this syndrome tries to test even the strongest of relationships.
Now before I go any further, let me please say that my husband is a wonderfully strong, supportive, loving, understanding man. Josh and I have been together for over 8 years, and next month will be our 5th wedding anniversary. We have had our trials and tribulations, but we've made it through and come out stronger and love each other more when its all said done. With that said, these last 3 months have been the hardest months.
Our family dynamic has changed a lot for us. We went from a two income family to one. My husband works 13-14 hour days Mon-Fri and also works on Saturdays and some Sundays just so we can stay afloat. Without him working like the would have lost everything. Now, I know that a lot of married couples out there deal with this on a daily basis, but for us it is not the norm and its very difficult for my children and myself to not have him around more often. I also have a ton of co-pays, medical bills, not to mention paying for forms to be filled out by the doctors for my job. Its a daily struggle to make sure that every bill is paid. We went from being comfortable again to pulling out all the stops to save our home, car, and feeding our family.
MdDS also causes so many types of emotions to arise at a moments notice. You have panic attacks, bouts of uncontrollable crying, irritation that makes you say so many things that you really don't mean, frustration, and mostly anger for losing part of who you are. These emotions put a toll on the person suffering plus those around her/him. Those people who are not around you don't understand what is wrong with you. You have a select few who talk you through it or give you your time to hash out the feelings, but you truly begin to feel like you are crazy and that maybe "all this is in your head" when you know damn well its not. Luckly a lot of my family is used to my severe mood swings, but I haven't been this bad since I was a teenager. My poor husband never knows what type of emotion he'll have to face when he gets home. I could be OCD and cleaning, so happy I can actually dance around, so miserably ill that I'm falling asleep on the couch or in the bathroom, so angry that he could say "Hi honey" the wrong way and he'll get castrated. But everyday he's taking it in stride and putting me back in my place and keeping me grounded.
Now for the part that most don't want to talk about, and I usually don't, but its driving me crazy not to, so here goes. Your love life sucks! At least for me. I know I'm not the only one with this problem, but here goes anyway. When you are already moving around like you are on a boat, the last thing you want to do is make it worse. And here comes the love life. Any additional rocking sucks. Its miserable when you want to be intimate with your partner and it literally makes you sick. Your partner knows whats going on, yet telling him/her, "sex is making me sick," really doesn't come off well. It makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel like another part is taken away. You try everything you can to not make your symptoms worse, but it doesn't help. You feel like such a lousy spouse. I want to be with my husband. I want to show him how much I love him, yet there are so many more times than not that I just CAN'T!
Again, let me repeat how wonderfully patient my husband is. He has been with me every step of the way. He has been my rock, my punching bag (no I don't actually hit him), my tissue box, my support beam. He has taken everyday in stride, as I know a lot of the spouses and partners with this syndrome have. I know that this is just another test to our marriage and we are fighting every step of the way. And when I'm tired of fighting, Josh rubs my shoulders, swipes away the sweat, gives me water, and pushes me right back into the ring to keep going.
I know that I am doing the best that I can. That none of this is my fault. But sometimes I just have my own pity party and feel miserable for everything my family is having to go through. Everyday is not only a struggle for me but for my family too. But we will get through this as well, and we will keep pushing forward and come out much stronger than ever before.
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