So today I kicked back and relaxed. I slept for most of the day, which makes me wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight. It was interesting because I typically am not one to sleep during the day. I guess that is what bouts of insomnia will do to you.
The stranger thing that happened today? I was messing with my Nook Tablet to fix it for my kids. My husband bought me it for my birthday in June, but I personally haven't been able to use it to read due to MdDS. Its made me sick to read, which I hate because I love to read, and not only that but my favorite authors all released new books this summer. Anyway...back to fixing it...I started messing with the settings of the Nook. Now the Nook is very bright, which is one of the reasons I wanted it so that I could read at night without disturbing my husband, however now its too bright. I opened one of my books. I changed the font to one that spaces words out more, changed the line spacing, made the font a little larger, changed the background color to gray, and then brought the brightness down a ton. I sat and read 5 pages in a row without having to stop. It was amazing! Now granted for me reading 5 pages is nothing. I'm one to be able to read an entire book in less than a day, however I broke up my reading in between my naps today. I ended up getting through about 1/3 of my book. I was so excited.
I woke up to horrible symptoms as I was laying in bed waking up, but I got my husband pillow (the pillows with the arms on them that you lean back on...thanks honey) behind me on my couch, pulled up my snuggie (yep...hubby got me that too) and would read, then sleep. After about my 3rd 30 minute power nap I was starting to feel so much better. I even was able to make dinner tonight,which I thought it would be cereal & sandwich kind of night.
But to be able to read just gives me that much more feeling of me back. Reading was the hardest thing for me to let go, and I've been working so hard at being able to do it. Even typing my blog tonight is easier for some reason. Usually I have to take breaks, but not today. I've been here typing this whole time.
So, downside to power-napping all day? 1. I'm not tired now. 2. Dog made a HUGE mess in the kitchen. 3. Kids loaded me with toys while I was napping so I woke up scared out of my mind from a stuffed animal 2 inches from my face! 4. I don't like sleeping when the kids are awake. Granted I have wonderful kids who don't get themselves into too much trouble most of the time, but its still not something I want to make a habit.
On another note, I've decided to take this all in stride. I've finally been able to accept that this is who I am now. Its not going to change, and if by some miracle it does I'll accept that too. God has put me on this path to better myself. So far I've become more vocal about my needs. I've become stronger and more accepting of life's challenges. I've become more inventive in finding new ways to move on with life. I can't work, so I'll teach my daughter preschool at home. I will be able to research healthy meals for my family and lunches for Seth to take to school. I've become closer to my friends...mainly because they check up on me more often now (which I love guys, really, so don't stop calling me hahaha). My husband have become closer. We are more communicative because he's only face to face for so many hours each day. We have had to figure out new ways to show our love, and I love that. I've grown as a mom. I've finally realized that I'm doing everything in my power to make my kids have a happy life, even if I am literally crawling up stairs to tuck them in, or sitting on floors to be able to reach new booboos instead of bending over and making myself dizzy. I have panic attacks now, I cry a whole lot more than ever, but I also laugh more and I take more deep breaths. I still hate it, I want it to go away, but I have to accept what hasn't changed for the last 3 months.
I now need to be more understanding to those around me and remember that they have no clue with what I'm dealing with and they won't understand because they don't live it. The biggest problem is that I don't "look" sick, so therefore I must not be sick. But I am. I have an idea. My cousin said this and it gave me ideas but I'm not that mean....Let me put you on a tire swing, spin it as tight as it will go and then let it loose. Once you become untangled get out of the swing and go cook a meal for 4 people. You don't look sick, but I bet you are feeling it now. The sad thing is that this isn't the only syndrome out there that is like this. There are so many more diseases and syndromes like this that are accepting into society, but because of the rarity of it all, people just can't wrap their heads around it. So I have to cope with them learning and understanding and maybe even arguing with me about it. Believe me when I say that everything you are telling me to try, I've tried. Every type of exercise, program, medicine, doctor, I've either looked into it or tried it. I'm off to see a neurologist next week. After that I'm giving myself a break. No more rehab, no more meds (unless absolutely necessary), no more appointments. There is no cure for this. It goes away on its own. So I'm going to let it do its thing. Maybe if I stop doing everything I've been doing, and get all the meds out of my system, I can start fresh and go from there. Let me rephrase that. I'll go to the neurologist and let him try some new ideas out, but only ones that I'm 100% into trying out, other than that my new word will be "No," because frankly I'm tired of fighting and trying. I want to give myself a break.
No comments:
Post a Comment