"Watch Over Me"~Hanson

"The years go by, they're adding up
She clicks her heels but she's still stuck
She's giving in but won't give up she'll never stop
And she says please, and she says please
And she says please, watch over me
And she says please, and she is,
On her knees and she begs and she pleads"

I normally don't start with lyrics, but this song has been going through my head since last night.  I had a massive meltdown last night (hence the reason I didn't write).  What started out as one conversation with my husband ran right into my meltdown.  I couldn't stop the tears for a few hours.  Ending in me sitting on the bathroom with my head on my knees and my husband sitting across from me again being supportive.  Here is the cause of my melt down:

Everyone knows I've been battling this stupid syndrome, yes its stupid, its dumb, and can go suck it for all I care.  This crap has taken a toll on me, not only physically but mentally.  I feel like someone has traded my brain.  I have become a Nazi about my house being my clean (which I've never done ever it my life....to be honest, I didn't even know if I had Pledge or Windex in my house before two weeks ago). 

The problem is that I dealt with a lot in my life, one being an eating disorder.  Most people who know me, don't know that I had to fight this, and had to fight very hard to beat it so far twice in my life.  Since this syndrome has started I've gain a little over 10 pounds (the most I've ever weighed in my life), now granted at first I was okay with a little more weight (I felt pretty good, and I am not trying to sound conceited but with my height, I hold weight well), however starting about 2 weeks ago I would look in the mirror and see the addition weight.  Since then I've been fighting to eat each day.  I make myself eat my three meals, and I've started walking everyday.  The sight of the weight literally makes me sick and I do end up getting sick.  (I don't make myself throw up, but my body does it on its own). 

I am miserable.  In the last two weeks, I've become someone that I don't know who I am.  I am A.D.D. with EVERYTHING and I'm not over-exaggerating about that!  To write this blog, I have to put earbuddies into my ears and play music so I can concentrate.  I have become OCD about everything in my house going through and re-organizing my kitchen cabinets, clearing my fridge & freezer (including bleaching the shelves), re-organizing linen closets, bathroom cabinets and drawers.  This sounds great, but what happens is I go to brush my teeth, I see a hand towel on the counter, I go to put it in the closet and end up ripping out the entire thing, once I'm done I go back to my toothbrush and see spots on the faucet, put down my brush again clean the entire bathroom (even though I cleaned it yesterday), satisfied its clean I go to another room completely forgetting I originally wanted to brush my teeth.  Next thing I know I am out in public and my teeth feel gross.  (yes I've managed to chew gum and use the disposable toothbrushes but its not the same).  I've done this now to my utility room, both bathrooms, kitchen, dining room and half of my living room, oh and both kids bedrooms.  Every night I have to clean every dish in my sink and check the laundry before I go to bed.  I can't sleep if I don't.  I will stay awake and thinking of it. 

The other part is that I have had issues with depression in the past (but have not had issues with it since high school).  Now it too is raring its ugly head.  I'm frustrated and pissed off over it.  I don't want to try any more meds, or treatments.  For the first time ever in my entire life I am ready to just give up and quit.  I'm officially tired of fighting this STUPID syndrome.  And most of all, I'm tired of pretending that I am fine, that I'm okay, and everything is "hunky-dorey."  I'm not happy.  I'm miserable, tired, stressed out, frustrated, lonely, and just plain worn out. 

And now, I'm done...thanks for reading.